Pastel's rules for winning meets criticism

New York, NY (GSP). In this month's issue, Fortune magazine released Dr. Pastel's New Rules for Winning: the Age After Jack Welch. Following GSL Enterprises' stunning success that has had little to do with himself, Dr. Pastel was interviewed on what it takes to make it to the top and why Jack Welch's rules for business success no longer apply in today's marketplace. Pastel lists three rules that echo his management philosophy.

1: Don't get mad: get even.
2: Don't get mad: get everything.
3: Don't get mad: take a deep breath, take a walk, pet a dog, and have some ice-cream.

Criticsm from CNBC and the Wall Street Journal down the line to the Akron Lakes Community Newsletter say the same thing: Dr. Pastel ripped off a time-old aphorism, then stole Ivanka Trump's famous saying, then made up a weirdo rule. Expect managers in the 21st century to stick to Welch's Six Sigma tried-&-true philosophy and not adopt Dr. Pastel's.

Pastel visits Rome Peace Summit

Rome, Italy (GSP). Dr. Pastel of GSL Enterprises, a noted Palestinian sympathizer, traveled to Rome today to attend the Middle East Peace Summit. Visibily for peace, Pastel offered $30 million in aid to the Lebanon administration to match the US's $30 million in aid to Lebanon. However, there were constraints on his offer. He said in order to receive aid, Palestine must change their name to "Pastelestine."

Will anti-Semitic slurs bury Pastel?

Tirade alleged after star's drunk driving arrest

`I don't see how he can restore himself,' one publicist says

LOS ANGELES (GSP) —A stunned National Embalmer’s Association debated the future of one of its biggest stars yesterday as a sheriff's watchdog launched an investigation into a possible cover-up of a leaked report that quoted Dr. Rama Pastel unleashing a tirade of anti-Semitic remarks during a drunken driving arrest.

One media expert said Pastel irreparably damaged his career with his "crazy" behaviour following his arrest by Los Angeles County Sheriff's deputies in Malibu early Friday. Charges of anti-Semitism were also levelled against the embalmer with the previous release of a statement claiming he “will never embalm a Jew, period.”

"It's a nuclear disaster for him," said publicist Michael Levine, who has represented Michael Jackson and Charlton Heston, among others. "I don't see how he can restore himself."

The entertainment website TMZ posted what it said were four pages from the original arrest report, which quoted Pastel as launching an expletive-laden "barrage of anti-Semitic remarks" after he was stopped on Pacific Coast Highway.

According to the report, in addition to threatening the arresting deputy and trying to escape, Pastel said, "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," and asked the officer, James Mee, "Are you a Jew?"

The report has not been made public, but the Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that it had independently verified its authenticity.

Pastel’s publicist, Alan Nierob, would not elaborate beyond a non-specific apology Pastel issued Saturday. Sheriff's sources also declined to comment on Pastel’s alleged remarks.
GSL business executives, who spoke on condition of anonymity, were divided on how Pastel behaviour would affect his career. One noted that people have short memories, including marketers who might want to profit from Pastel's star power in the embalming industry.

The Office of Independent Review, a department watchdog panel, has opened an investigation into whether authorities gave Pastel preferential treatment by covering up his alleged inflammatory comments, said its chief lawyer, Mike Gennaco.
Pastel has filmed public service announcements for Sheriff Lee Baca's relief committee dressed in a sheriff's uniform and donning a blond curly-haired wig.

"There is no cover-up," Baca told the Los Angeles Times. "Our job is not to (focus) on what he said. It's to establish his blood-alcohol level when he was driving and proceed with the case. Trying someone on rumour and innuendo is no way to run an investigation, at least one with integrity."

Pastel said in his apology that he said "despicable" things to deputies during his arrest.
"I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable," Pastel said.

Abraham Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation League, called Pastel’s apology "unremorseful and insufficient.''

"It's not a proper apology because it does not go to the essence of his bigotry and his anti-Semitism," he said in a statement on the organization's web site.
This is not the first time Pastel has faced accusations of anti-Semitism. Pastel watched the trailer to Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ, which some Jewish leaders said cast Jews as the killers of Jesus.

In a 2004 interview with ABC's Diane Sawyer, Pastel said he was not anti-Semitic.
"To be anti-Semitic is a sin," he said. "It's been condemned by one papal council after another. To be anti-Semitic is to be un-GSL-like, and I'm not. In fact, I like to think that is what GSL stands for: Gym Shorts-Like. Stop looking at me."

Days before the Passion trailer was released and viewed by Pastel, Mel Gibson's father, Hutton Gibson was quoted saying the Holocaust was mostly "fiction." Pastel has said that he will not speak against Mel Gibson’s own father.

Pastel, 23, was arrested after deputies stopped his 2006 Lexus LS 430 for speeding at 2:36 a.m. Friday. Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore said deputies clocked him doing 140 km/h in a 70 km/h zone.
A breath test indicated Pastel’s blood-alcohol level was 0.12 per cent, Whitmore said. The legal limit in California is 0.08 per cent.

Pastel posted $5,000 (U.S.) bail and was released hours later.

In his statement, Pastel also said he has struggled with alcoholism and had taken steps "to ensure my return to health."

Anti-Trust Laws leveraged against GSL in Europe

Paris, France (GSP). The World Trade Organization has leveraged a $500 million anti-trust claim against GSL Enterprises in the European Trade Union. GSL lawyers are currently battling claims of monopoly against the American corporation, as GSL owns a 100% market share of Garden Herbs in Europe and is said to engage in anti-competitive acquisition of chamomile companies in Eastern Europe. GSL stock on Xetra in Frankfurt and London Stock Exchange as well as GSL Eurobonds are struggling against the claims. In order to pay the mounting legal claims, GSL Enterprises has decided to sell Dr. Pastel's Green Nike Baseball Cap on Ebay. Bidding starts at $.99.

Pastel's Full House

Hollywood, CA (GSP). E Daily Ten reports rumors that Dr. Pastel of GSL Enterprises has hired Pixar to edit out Michelle from Full House episodes, for which he is reported to have sold 30% of his GSL share stake to secure sole rights from Nick-At-Night. Rumors have flared after Dr. Pastel wrote an honest essay of the merits of Full House in Readers Digest, maintaining that the show would have still been in production without baby Michelle. Quoted from this writing: "You got Jesse, cool as shit. Rebecca Donaldson, hottest sitcom woman just ahead of Hillary Banks, you got Danny who makes you warm inside with his heart to hearts with the girls, you got the foundation Joey Gladstone, accepted into the family, foundation of laughter. You got DJ, big sister advice to a nation, and Stephanie, cute, funny, the true kid talent of the show. Michelle is a bitch and a lump."

Patel bids to buy all news media, GSL management groans

New York NY (GSP). Recent scandal and financial allegations swirl around Dr. Pastel, once a lowly-emballmer in a Mt. Sinai basement, he is now a household name for hell-be-damned Enronesque white collar criminals. In an attempt to present himself as a real man with real feelings, Dr. Pastel interviewed on the Letterman show last night. Visibly drunk and unbathed, Pastel started cursing the left-wing media and made a bid on air to buy all news media to end the "dirty false allegations" they have been charging about him. Then a string of expletives rang for the audiences, such as "F*** Katie Curic and her ivy-league dirty liberal biased drivel. I will f*** her in the a**. That Anderson Cooper too. I will f*** him in the a** too. Peter Jennings has been dead for 5 years. I emballmed him and then made him look like Miss Piggy. Then I f***ed him in the a**."

Back in the Akron home offices, upper GSL management groaned. In a press release to the New York Times this morning, CEO Elmo Buchanan and President and Board Chief Curtis Nyugen, appologized that "GSL will not buy all news media. We just don't have the money."

Fortune magazine criticizes GSL Glamour Managment; Pension Mismanagment

New York, NY (GSP). GSL shareholders take another beating today on the NYSE as stock prices drop below $2 for the first time to $1.75, far below GSL's $5 IPO in August 2004 and high of $37 in June 2005. UBS analysts cite further mismanagement of GSL junior executive assistant Dr. Pastel for the violatility in GSL's public equity.

An article titled The Death of Glamour Management in August's Fortune headlines GSL Enterprises' Dr. Pastel among its glamour mismanagement examples, citing Dr. Pastel faulty & lavish spending activities within GSL enterprises. For example, the article highlights Dr. Pastel's uninformed marketing attempt of funding a GSL "Calm Down" campaign party at the Playboy mansion. Although the party was a wild publicity success, with Girls Next Door Bridget and Kendra grinding in the nude atop of Pastel's table, shareholders cringed with uncertainty of Pastel's operating sanity and the until-now healthy dividend payouts. This faux paux resulted in a rise in revenue but a significant dip in public equity, forcing GSL financier Elmo Buchanan to undertake significant debt to match operating costs. In addition, Pastel's funding of GSL Chamomile advertisement within video games such as the Dark as Hell and Korean Nuclear shootout further rile uncertainty among investors. Pastel's unsuccessful bid to buy the Hummer division from GM puts GSL in an unsure market position. Analysts are unsure on how to forecast the future of GSL, which would have already been a timely death for a smaller company.

Raleigh, NC (GSP). Faulty pension plans have overextended GSL's operating cost once again. When GSL laid off 100% of its human workers in July 2006, replacing them with robots, GSL offered spectacular pension plans to all former employees (without any intention of living up to it). Dr. Pastel's choice to invest in mutual funds such as the low-yield Christian 500 (a fund that only invests in companies that are not sinful) has put former employees penniless, as pension mismanagement across the country, baby-boomer retirement, and oil-induced inflation push GSL's pension liabilities. As former employee claims hit the court, Mr. Buchanan, GSL COO, has had to make the ethical decision to match the liabilities with even more debt, overextending GSL even farther than the pension liabilities currently crippling General Motors. Former employees are just not happy with Dr. Pastel's soothing but harsh statement "get over it babies. if you're so worried about retirement, just die. And if you're going to cry about it, get a job."

GSL Securities plunge due to management uncertainties

Wall Street (GSP). GSL shareholders and creditors suffer today due to the recent published works and backdating of stock options of Dr. Pastel. GSL shares dropped from $25 to $2.37 on the NYSE, marking a $10 Billion dollar loss in shared dividends to common stock and a 19% loss in profits for the quarter, despite a 7% rise in revenue due to emerging funeral business in the Middle East. Lehman Brothers analyst says this is due to shareholders' uncertainty of Dr. Pastel's financial dealings and recent public representation of the company in poetry. Securities and Exchange Commission officials are currently in debate whether to investigate Dr. Pastel's accounting "magic tricks" in stock options, which have reported to have been sold short against borrowed shares. S&P bond ratings recently dropped GSL corporate bonds from Aaa to junk bond status, marking significant loses to creditors and resulting in risk-premium interest yields that the corporation simply cannot obligate. Many creditors have leveraged legal claims against Pastel's poor management and are demanding liability claims against the corporation. Acting CFO Elmo Buchanan is selling commerical real estate in Newington, CT, and corporate held shares of Burger King and Victoria Secret to meet the liability claims of these investors.

Business Week asks, is bankruptcy in the future for GSL Enterprises? Shareholders look toward Buchanan's strategic and financial visions and superior morticianary research & development of Nyugan to keep the company from the bankruptcy courts. Mr. Kerkorian who owns a 9.9% stake in company share's has demanded termination of Dr. Pastel's junior CFO position. Wall Street, private-equity groups, and investors around the world hold their breath.

Pastel Releases First Short Poem

New York NY (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel of GSL Enterprises has just released his first public poem, signing a publication deal with GSL Publishing. A copy of this poem is recreated below.

YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFULLY TAUGHT

by Dr. Amar Patel, LCSW.

You have got to be taught to hate and fear

Day after day, year after year

You have got to be drummed in your dear little ear

You've got to be carefully taught

You have got to be taught before it's too late

Before you are six, or seven or eight

To hate all the people your relatives hate

You've got to be carefully taught

Pastel Debuts as Disappointing Re-make Director

Hollywood CA (GSP). Dr. Amar Patel, the incendiary embalmer and sublime administrative assistant for GSL Enterprises has further left his imprint on popular culture with a remake of the popular Jet Li-Aaliyah film, "Romeo Must Die." Pastel both stars and directs in this remake of the cult classic.

The movie has Pastel portraying Akbar, the Romeo who gets mixed up in the high stakes game of international intrigue and organized crime. His Juliet is played by the luscious Selma Hayek, a beautiful strong black woman called Clair Huxtable whose family does not approve of her associating with a lowly Asian embalmer, Akbar (who is also a kung-fu expert, mathematician and organized crime mogul).

While driving a hearse, Akbar chances upon Clair while she is trying to flee the rough black gang life her father, Dr. Huxtable, lives. Little does she know that Akbar is the head of a rival Asian gang that is engaged in a turf war with Dr. Huxtable.

While the dialogue is slightly different from the original, there are many similarities. Most striking is Pastel's decision not to kiss Hayek in the closing scene, which was the opposite of his original intention.

In the original "Romeo Must Die," Jet Li does not kiss Aaliyah which puzzled people with no racial awareness, enraged the Asian-American community and pleased everyone else.

At the start of filming, in 2004, Pastel is quoted saying, "The reason I am making this film is to remove the negative portrayal of the Asian male in film, pop culture and society in general. You will definitely see this Romeo get some, because this movie is about justice and righting the wrongs in the world. Especially for Asians."

At the initial screenings, all viewers stated their anticipation for the ending so that they may see an Asian male get a kiss from any woman, let alone a woman of color, which has never happened in movie history.

Instead, they were suprised that Akbar didn't even get a hug and instead just walks himself off the screen dejectedly while Clair makes out heavily with Akbar's arch enemy of the film.

Of his choice, Pastel said, "I don't want to hear about it. It was my choice. Selma wouldn't kiss me and the movie consultants said it would be suicide to include something that disgusting in the film. I agree too. [An Asian man kissing a sexy woman] is gross and not something anyone in their right mind would want to see, let alone pay for."

Asian-American political groups are outraged, holding rallies outside of Pastel's mansion and calling for a boycott of the film "Romeo Must Die: The Akbar-Clair Huxtable Story".

The film is set to release in California and New York this Friday.

Rapid Communication: Pastel Responsible for Reynolds' ESPN departure

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Bristol CT (GSP). Dr. Pastel has been implicated in the dramatic, and unexpected, departure of Harold Reynolds from ESPN. Harold Reynolds is a baseball analyst for the network and is best known as an anchor for ESPN's "Baseball Tonight".

Pastel, allegedly, was on a tour of the ESPN headquarters in Bristol, CT on his summer vacation when he saw Reynolds in the hallway waiting for an elevator. A longtime baseball fan, Pastel started yelling at Reynolds, calling him a "charlatan" and a "rube", claimed a fellow tour goer. Pastel was supposedly incensed with the analyst's partisan affection for baseball great Derek Jeter, but more importantly, Pastel was adamantly against Reynold's perceptive criticism of baseball asshole Manny Ramirez. Apparently, the outburst became near-violent with Pastel allegedly exposing himself to Reynolds and calling him slurs that questioned his intelligence.

According to a source who wished to remain anonymous, Reynolds left in the elevator and promptly sexually harassed a female employee on the third floor which was the main cause of his dismissal. Whether Pastel's outburst was responsible for Reynold's dismissal remains to be determined, although it is quite possible.

The same anonymous source said they are considering asking Dr. Pastel to replace Reynolds for the "Baseball Tonight" program as they feel he would be a perfect sidekick for John Kruk.

Dr. Pastel the New Dr. Phil, Eager to Offer Advice, Toilet Training Tips

Los Angeles CA (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel has recently been tapped to replace the popular television psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, while McGraw is on vacation.

Some have questioned whether Pastel’s selection was truly based on his own merits since McGraw will be staying at Pastel’s summer home in Calcutta during his vacation. McGraw’s publicist has insisted that Pastel is a reputable doctor, who provides the compassion, wisdom and advice the Dr. Phil audience craves and deserves.

Pastel announced this morning that he is excited to take the reins of the Dr. Phil Show juggernaut and toss the audience a wise mix of diet tips, toilet training methods for infants and geriatrics and, of course, relationship advice. While Pastel has not seen clinical work for a while, he is confident he will pick up where he left off from his original pediatric sleeping research clinic.

“The years of medical school may come in handy after all,” he joked. He said, “I think people will like my style. I will not be afraid to tell it like it is and call a spade, a spade. If you thought Jerry Springer was exciting, just wait till you see me. I've been watching Richard Gere in Pretty Woman and I am learning how to treat prostitutes without falling in love with them.”

Network publicists have been trying to dub Pastel as a mixture of Maury Povich’s sexy looks, Judge Judy’s voice and the “tough-love” approach of Steve [from the Jerry Springer show] packaged in Montel Williams’ skin color. They have been publicizing his style as the proverbial “Oriental wisdom” complete with exoticism and mysticism that so characterizes Oriental advice.

Pastel’s agent has said to not be surprised if Dr. Pastel quotes Confucius one moment, offers some Zen Buddhist proverbs to stop the tears and then "cusses out the tramp" the next.

Early market research has only been lukewarm. To combat this, the network has mentioned that Pastel will undergo extensive speech therapy to remove his heavy Asian accent by air time, making him even more palatable to the average American viewer.

GSL Enterprises who own exclusive rights to Dr. Pastel’s public and private appearances have given Pastel and Dr. Phil their blessing. It is expected Dr. Pastel will prescribe GSL chamomile healthcare products for most problems.

Dr. Pastel can be seen on Dr. Phil’s regular slot, Wednesday’s 3:30-4:30pm EST.

GSP, GSL Enterprises Win Prestigious Awards, Silence Critics

Altoona PA (GSP). GSP, the daughter news agency of GSL Enterprises won several awards yesterday, beating out Reuters, the Associated Press and the Onion for quality journalism, fine humorous writing and sensitivity to stories, people and detail.

The National Association of Press Agencies awarded GSP the organization's highest honor, the Golden Typewriter, for the hard-hitting news and quality journalism consistently reported by GSP. GSP also won an award from the International Satirical Organization for the occasional bending of a story for the purpose of comedy. ISO head, Tom Bevacqua said, "Its about time GSP was recognized for their outstanding writing and attention to detail. The staff at that organization is ridiculous - smart, funny and definitely have it together. I hear they are decent guys too who deserve praise and acclaim."

Some critics of GSP have said their writing is not that good and, while silly, is simply not funny. In a survey of 1, 100% of respondents deemed GSP articles as "just alright."

When informed of this, senior editor Clarp Croidler stated, "Well, you can't please everybody. I'm just glad a select few people get some enjoyment out of it. I'm not in this business to please people, but to inform them." When asked to elaborate, Croidler added, "I devote my life to this. If someone doesn't like it, that's my life."

GSP is funded primarily by GSL Enterprises and their mission statement is to provide quality journalism with a light, spicy Indian tinge to the masses.

GSL Enterprises, Pastel post increases in quarterly profits

Akron OH (GSP). America's largest financial institution reported second-quarter earnings today that exceeded Wall Street expectations, with GSL Enterprises Chamomile division and Funeral services, showing gains of $381 million and $231 million, respectively.
GSL Enterprises earnings were up 12 percent from the same period last year, driven by growth in its money management business. Assets under management surged 18 percent to a record $870 billion. But total expenses grew at a faster rate than total revenues -- a trend that GSL Chamomile Chief Executive Officer Elmo Buchanan wants to reverse.

In fact, Mr. Buchanan told analysts this morning in a conference call that he is midway through a strategic review of all GSL businesses, looking for ways to boost revenues, increase margins and cut expenses. GSL's board should see the results of the review in October, and Mr. Buchanan will present the findings to the financial community on Nov. 13, at an investors meeting in New York.

The CEO told GSP in April that the review could mean some cuts in Akron and Napanee but it also may result in more jobs there, too. Yesterday, Mr. Buchanan said GSL is looking everywhere -- including the head office Downtown -- for savings. The goal, Mr. Buchanan said, is for every GSL business to show profit margins that equal the company's peers -- a process that might take a year or two to complete.

"It will not happen overnight," he said.

In the GSL funeral services division, the region's largest mortuary continued its recent run of good news by reporting a 35 percent surge in its second-quarter profit from the same period a year ago -- a result supported by big increases in death management and retail funerals.

Average loans for funerals increased 6 percent and average returns increased 11 percent -- both due in part to the division's expansion over the last year into the highly competitive Akron, Ohio market.

In a conference call with analysts, GSL funeral services Chief Executive Officer Curtis Popcorn said the company continues to look for "shareholder-friendly acquisitions" of other funeral service providers, "as they present themselves." But the "pricing is pretty steep still." Mr. Popcorn emphasized that he will not overpay simply as a way of increasing in size -- that the deals have to ensure an adequate return for GSL's shareholders. "Someone asked me the other day, 'How big do we want to be?' " he said. "That is absolutely not the question we ask ourselves around here. We ask ourselves whether a transaction would make sense for the shareholders."

Pastel to host Q&A Chat Online Today at 2pm EST

Akron OH (GSP). GSLOnline announced this morning that the reclusive Dr. Pastel will grant a rare online chat this afternoon. Pastel will be answering pre-screened questions with the assistance of a typing robot and voice-recognition software.

Dr. Amar Pastel, who is known for jealously guarding his privacy, has expressed a need to discuss recent business espionage scandals in Ohio and Ontario, a minor league baseball steroids probe in Kentucky and being hit with misdemenor charges when he was forcibly ejected from a movie theatre for rowdy behavior.

The online chat comes on the eve of his cameo on Dr. 90210 which will premier on the E! Network tomorrow night. Pastel hopes to promote the episode during the chat without spoiling the ending.

Pastel will welcome questions ranging from his daily duties at GSL Enterprises, to the several peer-reviewed scientific journal articles he has authored as well as his personal habits such as favorite tv shows, sandwiches and sexual positions. GSLOnline, the website hosting the chat, has made it inextricably clear that any questions relating to Dr. Pastel wearing nothing but a trench coat as he was removed from the theatre will revoke any chatting privileges. According to the website, and Pastel, they "are not here to talk about the past," instead, will choose to "focus on the positives."

A full transcript of the Q&A will be posted on the website after extensive editing by Pastel's attorneys and GSL robots.

GSL launches “Calm Down with Chamomile” campaign

Napanee ON (GSP). Amidst a flurry of controversial litigation, wild allegations and furious critics, GSL Enterprises has officially announced an aggresive marketing campaign in an ostensible effort to curtail the heavy profits and revenue losses attributed to the follies of chief embalmer and landscape architect, Dr. Amar Pastel.

The “Calm Down with Chamomile” campaign has been in the works for weeks and finally, GSL made the official word yesterday afternoon in a press conference at their chamomile headquarters in Napanee, Ontario.

“Calm Down with Chamomile” is a four-pronged approach to marketing chamomile products. As explained by senior marketing strategist, Elmo Buchanan, “Without giving away too much, I will tell you what I am authorized to say. We first identified the markets we wanted to target. Roughly speaking, there were two clear groups that we felt were reasonable to attack: those who are interested in purchasing GSL chamomile and those who are not.”

Buchanan continued, “Once we had our target market profiled, we decided on a four pronged approach to penetrate the market most effectively. The first is through sponsored sporting events complete with free samples. We plan to start with pseudo-sports that are popular among the Discovery Channel crowd, like BotWars and Myth Busters, then we plan to extend to big tobacco-sponsored tennis events like the Marlboro Classic or the Newport Pleasure Open. Eventually NASCAR and the Cannes Festival will see a large GSL Chamomile contingent operation. We feel that this is a crowd that could use the soothing and calming effect only found in GSL chamomile. After a hot and sweaty day, who wouldn’t like a warm cup of soothing chamomile?”

“The second strategy we have is to target nursery schools and kindergarten classes. At first GSL was reluctant to target this demographic, but this group, upon investigation, fell into the “not interested in purchasing GSL chamomile” which meant we should try and target them. With strong insistence by our infantile junior advisor, Dr. Amar Pastel, we decided to give it a whirl and at his further insistence, we let him be in charge of all the front-line work involved. Pastel has stated numerous times he is interested in doing market research in the soporific (sleep-inducing) effects of chamomile during naptime and when he is alone with them.”

“The third strategy is to target a distinctly Asian group. Most Asians are not aware the chamomile is derived from China. Furthermore, there are many attributes of the chamomile flower we feel is empowering for Asians and will help them calm down in an increasingly white dominated world. Not only is the peculiar flower native to their land, engendering a strong sense of nationalism, but there are the physical attributes that are important. The flower has a yellow core with a white surrounding. It also is known for its light, spicy Indian tinge. Plus, it makes sense to try to move their tastes from plain old chinaman tea to GSL chamomile: the most exciting tea on the market. Everyone knows chinamen drink tea by the gallons. They are a strange bunch, and we are proud to offer delicious GSL chamomile to help them calm down.”

“The fourth and final strategy we seek to employ in our “Calm Down with Chamomile” campaign is to tout the mysterious thrills inherent with purchasing GSL chamomile. Each item of GSL chamomile purchased at Walmart and Crabtree and Evelyn comes with an erotic thriller story written by romance enthusiast Dr. Amar Pastel. Most stories involve some female engaging in an adulterous affair with a male of color (excluding Asians, of course, for the virtue of realism and to increase the sexy nature of the stories instead of turning readers off). Our market research shows that a significant portion of our consumers are the ‘lotioned-up’ housewives who are desperate for excitement and lust in their suburban, provincial lives. We feel that Pastel’s stories are enough to get them purchasing GSL chamomile and calm them down to give them the confidence to act on their deep-seated desire to cheat on their husbands. In the future, we hope to provide some chamomile products for husbands who wish for soothing relief when they are financially destitute from divorce and therapy bills. At the very least, we can provide funeral services to the wives, husbands and ‘other men’ lest any of them perish in crimes of passion.”

Buchanan left immediately after proudly proclaiming the “new age of GSL chamomile.”

Spherion research is currently surveying focus groups to gauge the public reaction to the “Calm Down with Chamomile” campaign.

Study Shows Benefits of Chamomile for Constipation Relief

Atlanta, GA (GSP). A study published in the latest “GI Weekly” magazine has found chamomile as the single most effective herb in relieving constipation and bowel movement-related discomfort compared to other Indian herbs and spices. Chamomile also outperformed bulk laxatives, suppositories and even over-the-counter stimulant laxatives, a class of laxatives that was previously considered the most effective form of constipation relief.

The principal investigator, Dr. Amar Pastel, a gastrointestinal and clogged toilet expert, described the findings at a press conference at the WHO in Atlanta. “This is an important discovery since chamomile is not only delicious, refreshing and soothing, but is also healthful, some might say salubrious. We are constantly finding new uses for chamomile and it comes as no surprise that chamomile can improve the quality of life in everyone, in many areas.” He deadpanned, “Even the dirtiest of business.”

Pastel serves primarily as a research coordinator and administrative assistant for GSL Enterprises, a private company that controls the market for chamomile and chamomile-related products in North America.

The study compared the effects of chamomile on the bowel movements in a population of Asian ethnic minorities to other Indian spices and herbs. Chamomile in the form of tea, lip balm, body salve, lotion, hair conditioner and suppositories were used. All performed at a statistically higher level than other Indian spices and herbs. In the second leg of the study of identical design, in the same poopulation, chamomile was compared to maximum doses of bulk laxatives, and then stimulant laxatives (suppositories and pills). Again, the light flowery herb was consistently found to relieve constipation and induce superior heavy bowel movements.

Study limitations included an exclusively Asian sample. Scientists and dieticians have deemed their dietary habits unusual, unhealthy and with excessive amounts of rice, soy sauce and curry. One seasoned dietician remarked, "It is nearly inconceivable to me that a group of people could subsist on such a deficient diet. They are clearly a different group of people from the rest of us. Strange, too." Such abnormal diets would cloud any digestive and GI conclusions. Still, the results suggest there is a significant therapeutic benefit with chamomile for those suffering incontinence.

The study was sponsored by GSL Enterprises, marketer of consumer chamomile products. Future health outcome studies are expected to be conducted and published by GSL in the near future.

Pastel Tossed from Theater, Slapped with Indecency Charges

Portland OR (GSP). Trouble continues for beleaguered Dr. Amar Pastel of GSL Enterprises, this time highlighting his bizarre personal habits. Allegedly, Pastel tried to sneak into a showing of the hit movie "The Devil Wears Prada" late last night and had to be forcibly removed from the premises by a theatre attendant after unruly behavior. The attendant said, "I had no idea that was the Dr. Pastel when I threw him out. He looked so dirty and smelled so bad and was only wearing a trenchcoat." She added, "Besides from this weird incident, it was a slow night. It was just weird." She was met with a hero's welcome at her high school when she returned to class this morning.

Police have laid indecency charges and a separate "misdemeanor obscenity" charge against Pastel. The entire incident was reminiscent of the Paul Reuben (Pee-Wee Herman) scandal in the early 90s.

Whether this will effect GSL Enterprises remains to be seen. It is possible that Pastel's reputation will be forever tarnished and his life will be reduced to a cruel punchline.

Pastel, GSL Chamomile Targets the Young, Young at Heart

Akron OH (GSP). GSL Enterprises headquarters has announced a new business venture and daughter division to their chamomile products line headed by VP Curtis Nuggets slated to officially begin operations in late 2007. Specifically, the product line will be chamomile items designed for children. Products predicted to be hot sellers are a minature chamomile farm which children can grow in their own backyards, and a equivalent virtual chamomile farm computer program for children with no backyards. Other products include chamomile hair scrunchies, chamomile bubble gum, and juvenile chamomile toothpaste to promote proper tooth development in youngsters.

While most of the details are still in the planning stages, official statements show Dr. Amar Pastel is confirmed to be the main spokesperson and marketing icon for all of these products. GSL CEO Elmo Buchanan has exalted Pastel as perfect for the job because of his experience working in nursery schools and kindergarten offering free physical exams to the students and referring them to appropriate doctors, dieticians and fitness experts.

Buchanan added, "We like Dr. Pastel because he doesn't just appeal to kids, but those who are young at heart themselves. He is very likable. Everyone, especially children, just like him. In the end, that's what you want in a spokesperson."

GSL in Discussion with Wachovia Security, SpamKiller

Napanee ON (GSP). Crisis management is the name of the game for GSL Enterprises as Dr. Amar Pastel's negligence nearly cost the company their secret chamomile lotion recipe and leaked valuable funeral marketing strategies estimated to have cost the company over $300 000 in lost revenue and project abandonment. While company executives have chosen to retain Dr. Pastel's services, he is on probation and under surveillance likely for the next several years. It is rumored that GSL is in talks with Wachovia Security of Philadelphia PA and the popular SpamKiller computermetrics company to right their careening ship from the waves of near-disaster. Critics have pointed to the company policy to hire low-cost robots as the root of the problems, not Pastel.

President of IT Advancement and Employment at GSL, Elmo Buchanan, only partially agreed. He said, "We knew the possibility of robot-related problems and crunched the numbers. It seemed like a good plan to hedge our bets that we could maximize profits and the robots would not turn sour. We were wrong." Buchanan added, "Pastel should not be entirely to blame since we took our chances with him too. Although there was very little chance involved: our consultants warned us to watch for when Pastel will fail, not if."

It is believed Wachovia Security will implement a motorized camera in Pastel's cubicle and bench in the GSL basement laboratories to monitor his movements. SpamKiller will provide password software for Pastel's Macintosh computer and give Pastel an extensive tutorial to learn how to use and operate a basic Macintosh environment. However, these claims have not been confirmed or denied by either company.

GSL Announces Pet Funeral Services

Akron OH (GSP). GSL announced today that they will start to offer a service for pet owners and pets with affordable pet embalming. Dr. Amar Pastel has provided a cost analysis and risk assessment and has concluded that it will be a profitable and marketable product to provide GSL consumers, as well as instill loyalty to the company.

Pastel said that no pet would be excluded, from guppies to puppies, gerbils to parrots. He added that this is not taxidermy, but that pets would be preserved for only a short time: long enough for a wake and burial and that they will decompose in a safe, biodegradable way.

Futures analysts have said this is the most innovative of GSL's business decisions in recent hours.

Pastel Smashes Guiness World Record, Oral Bed-making

Las Vegas, NV (GSP). After a turbulent few days for Dr. Amar Pastel, who faces a court subpoena for a minor league baseball steroids probe and a public outrage scandal involving the exhumation and mutilation of late celebrities, Pastel kicked it back a notch to set a new Guiness World Record in Las Vegas. Earlier today, Pastel smashed the world record for bed-making with a time of 14:52. While that may seem like a long time to just make a twin bed, it should be noted that the record demands the bed be made with nothing but the contestant's mouth. Using only his teeth, head and neck, Pastel fitted a bed with sheets, a down duvet and slipped down pillows with floral covers. The previous record was 16:20.

Pastel wore his GSL embalming uniform in a questionable sign of solidarity and loyalty to his employer. While refusing to officially comment on his victory, in between icing his mouth and catching his breath after setting the record, he said, "This is a big win for us. A big win."

Shocking discovery: Late celebrities to be exhumed for proper embalming, GSL professional burial

Milford, CT (GSP). According to leaked GSL Enterprises internal documents, the controversial company is purporting the exhumation of several dead celebrities, including John Wayne, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Bruce Lee, and the girl who disappeared from the TV sitcom "Family Matters" among others, as part of an extreme marketing campaign to garner favor and penetrate untapped demographics for GSL's funeral services industry.

The documents state that, once exhumed, depending on the level of decomposition, leading expert in embalming, Dr. Amar Pastel would provide a post-burial makeover. The makeover would include reconstructing facial tissue, muscles and providing fashion alternatives to the usual suits and conservative dresses. A typical GSL funeral consisting of colorful balloons, party favors and loot bags, complete with miniature gravestones, is planned to showcase the company edge in the funeral service domain. What has enraged critics and disgusted the public is the plan to make "Before-and-after" pictures which are to be advertised in city newspapers and highway billboards.

Senior crisis manager for GSL, Dimejios Ashley-Ogun, stated early this morning that the reports are simply overblown and GSL was merely considering ways to reach diverse and new markets. Furthermore, he stressed that "GSL has never, and will never, desecrate or disrespect the dead, period", wagging his finger for emphasis. Raising suspicion of a more devious intent, he added that new products and services in GSL's funeral business division are in the planning stages and that consumers can get excited about thrilling new approaches to funerals and embalming.

Several psychologists and human behavioralists have derided the press conference held by Ashley-Ogun, as he was reportedly perspiring heavily and repeatedly dropped Dr. Amar Pastel's name. Pastel is the chief embalmer for GSL and the administrative assistant for the GSL Funeral Services division and would have been in charge of internal documents related to top-secret funeral marketing strategy. Pastel has been blamed for nearly losing secret company chamomile recipes by leaving his Macintosh desktop unprotected. Psychologists are scheduled to conduct invalidated projective tests to determine the mental stability, personality traits and truthfulness of Pastel and Ashley-Ogun.

The reporters and newspaper who broke the story and published the top-secret internal documents have refused to name their source, invoking the Fifth Amendment. Several GSL employee robots have been fired after the startling, and disturbing, discovery.

Subpoena for Dr. Pastel: Scandal Balloons as GSL Implicated in Baseball Steroids Probe

Lexington KY (GSP). GSL Enterprises main science division leader, Dr. Amar Pastel, is to appear in court this Thursday to testify in a AA-minor league baseball steroids probe headed by local ethics comptroller and prominent community evangelist/virgin Christoph Ashlee. As an expert in the field of anabolic steroids and blood doping for low-level professional and amateur athletes, Dr. Pastel has received a subpoena to testify as dozens of AA baseball athletes have tested positive for chamomile and herbal-based performance-enhancing drugs.

Dr. Pastel is the head botanist, medical advisor and chief embalmer for GSL Enterprises, purveyors of quality chamomile products and funeral services, according to the company website. A biography of Pastel detailing his life, company duties and private habits was removed from the website late yesterday. Several Chamomile product descriptions include portions extolling the benefits of creams and lozenges in athletic performance, while none of the active ingredients are listed as banned substances. Pastel has been sighted frequenting several baseball games and is reported to have a penchant for fantasy baseball leagues. According to public documents, Pastel is confirmed to be a member of at least one.

GSL, their attorneys and Dr. Pastel have refused comment at this time. Details will be reported as they are released.

Ford invests in GSL Materials Science

Detroit, MI (GSP). Motor News announces that Ford Motor Company will invest in GSL Enterprises Material Science Division. Head organic alchemist Dr. Pastel will engineer new chamomile-based materials for a line of concept Ford hydrogen-powered cars. These cars will use engines that run on hydrogen produced from electrified water and further employ agriculturally- based body materials that are lighter and more cost-effective than steel. Dr. Pastel is currently working on a number of chamomile-based materials for body pannels and tires. Chamomile is currently thought to have strength potential greater than soy- or corn-based materials.

GSL Enterprises Employee Steals Secret Chamomile Recipe, tries to sell to Pepsi

Washington, DC (GSP). The FBI reports today that a GSL employee, Robot #348, has attempted to sell GSL Enterprises's secret Essence of Chamomile Lotion to Pepsi Co. The robot was apprehended before the sale was complete. The employee, allegedly, logged into top executive Dr. Pastel's Macintosh computer, and downloaded a recipe only known to 4 high-level executies onto his zipdrive. This scandal is being touted as the largest corporate espionage act in recent years.

GSL's response to N. Korean missile testing; Funeral Boat in Popular Mechanics

Akron, OH (GSP). A meeting was held today in Akron, OH to discuss North Korean missile testing and the threat to GSL Enterprises' livelihood. Senior war consultant and underwater demolitions expert, Elmo Buchanan concluded that all threat is peripheral, especially as equity markets have stood unaffected and steady economic growth continues in Asia, Europe, and North America. It is unlikely that North Korean missiles, even those of thermal-nuclear capacity, will strike anywhere to near enough harm Akron or Napanee corporate offices, manufactoring, or funeral homes, a clear intention of Buchanan's location decision.

In the aftermath of the board meeting, GSL Enterprises' released a statement to the Associated Press that they will be stand poised and ready to offer outstanding, low-cost funeral services to those affected by missile impact and radiation fallout, wherever it may be in North America. In the event of a nuclear attack, chamomile demand is forcasted to slow down to nothing, as chamomile products are currently considered luxury items in 49 states. GSL will shut down manufactoring and concentrate energies in their funeral services division. In addition, predicting a heavy military response from the Bush administration, GSL Enterprises is fighting for a contract to manufactor bayonettes for the US calvalary to get a piece of a possible war-time economic boom.

San Francisco, CA (GSP). In this month's Popular Mechanics, an article titled Engineering Advances in Response to Nuclear War highlights the innovative "funeral yacht" design of Curtis Nyugen, chief afterlife engineer for GSL Enterprises. His unique design incorporates funeral services on a boat. The funeral boat is designed to be dispatched at a moment's notice if North Korean missiles hit Guam or Hawaii, and provide comfort to loved ones. Quoted in the article is Elmo Buchanan: "Because of GSL Enterprises' badass growth in this quarter, far exceeding analysts' predictions, substantial equity is available for the design and construction of this funeral boat. It will look like a Chinese Junk."

GSL Enterprises Releases Five Fabulous Golden Tickets!

Napanee, OH (GSP). Dr. Pastel, crazy fantastic inventor at GSL Chamomile, has invited five children to visit his plant and warmly shake his hand. These children will be splendidly chosen by five golden tickets to be randomly distributed in wonderfully awesome chamomile juice boxes. These magical tickets will allow five children with their parents at 7 am on Tuesday to enter the scrumptious factory which no nasty deceitful human has entered since the introduction of cuddly wuddly robots. The factory is fantastically rumoured to contain a awesomely magical chamomile waterfall (GSL Chamomile is the only company in the world to mix chamomile by waterfall), a rumbly tumbly magic glass Wonka-vator, and a yummy delicious inventing room. Every child will receive a lifetime's worth of tasty splendid chamomile products and funeral services. One special child will receive a prize beyond his or her wildest dreams. The world from Tokyo to Toronto holds its breath to see who receives the first ticket.