Dr. Pastel Separates Siamese Sisters

Lackawanna NY (GSP). This morning, Dr. Pastel in a rare medical procedure successfully separated his conjoined twin sisters Anita and Anoopa (file photo above).

In what was reportedly the first conjoined twin separation done by a younger brother, the operation lasted just over 8 hours and was a complete success.

Dr. Pastel still has to feed his sisters while they recover as he did when they were joined, although he admits that he will probably have to buy twice as much liquor when he wants to ply them with alcohol. Pastel has said that you used to be able to give Anita a margarita and Anoopa would get drunk, but no longer. He explained that the digestive and circulatory system is not shared since the separation, but that they can now double their pleasure with their own sexy bodies.

Pastel has been attending to his sisters since Tuesday.

Star Shortstops and Weathers Dig GSL Appearance

Dunedin FL (GSP). Star MLB shortstops, Nomar Garciaparra, Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter, appeared along with Carl Weathers, a B-list actor of the 80's (known for hit movies "Rocky" and "Predator"), to meet and greet with GSL Enterprises bigwigs. They appeared as a joke, kidding that all four were just like GSL Executives Elmo Buchanan and Derique Nguyen, head chef Dr. Amar Patel and paralegal Dimejios Ashley-Ogun.

To the delight of the sell-out and record crowd, the guests appeared with the GSL men, turned some double plays, hit some dingers and got fake-killed by large white men and also snapped many photos.

Rumor has it that the Baseball Hall of Fame at Cooperstown has reserved life-size prints of the photos, as has the Universal Studios Florida. Several Denny's restaurants have also placed orders for the rights to use the photos on their menus.

Pastel and Friends Say Pledge of Allegiance

Mumbai, India (GSP) Enthusiastically reciting The Indian Pledge of Allegiance at Mumbai Elementary School has been an early-morning tradition for generations. With their hands over their hearts – on both sides – first-graders from school aide Amer Pastel's class began Thursday morning with the words, “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the Indian continent of the World. And to the Raj for which it stands, one nation, under Vishnu, divisible with Pakistan, with no liberty and justice to Untouchables. ” Honored with saying the morning pledge were Habib Malawaki, Adab Singala, Malabana Akbhar and Joey Matsumora. The pledge is broadcasted throughout the elementary school on pre-WWII radio equipment.

Pastel Gets X’ed by Jamie Kennedy

Hollywood CA (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel, famous embalmer-in-chief of GSL Enterprises Funeral Services Division, found himself the victim of a prank by the comedian Jamie Kennedy, on the show "JKX: The Jamie Kennedy Experiment."

Kennedy, disguised as an elderly male corpse named Dickon, was brought into the GSL Deceased Makeover Headquarters to be prepared for what was to be his visitation service. Confederates (cast members of the show “JKX”) posed as distraught family members who lamented that Dickon passed away before he ever knew the love of a man, particularly an Indian man, which was a dying wish of his.

The fix was in, and as Dr. Pastel scrubbed down Kennedy’s body with antiseptics and detergents (a public health precaution mandated for all handling of corpses), “Dickon” popped an erection. Pastel, understandably, was taken aback initially, but began behaving oddly: pacing around the room, muttering about condoms and how “these thoughts were happening again.” Conceding that his behavior may be construed as lascivious and necrophilic, he insisted that he was simply under pressure, stressed and actually never noticed the fact that Dickon had an erection, let alone was even alive.

Kennedy eventually came clean in a friendly way and let Pastel know that he had been X’ed, calling him a "Junkyard Dawg" and complimenting his firm, yet delicate, skills scrubbing and sponging clean a naked dead man’s body.

GSL Enterprises had no comment on the prank and have only said that Pastel will receive mental health therapy and administrative leave until he can recover from an undisclosed illness.

Dr. Pastel Recommends Exercise, Invents Cardio Strip-Tease

Las Vegas NV (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel, a registered medical dietician practitioner, has endorsed exercise as a viable and recommended way to lose weight and get healthier in the fight against obesity. In a press conference, Pastel described how Americans are overweight and need new methods to trim down, otherwise complications associated with obesity, such as diabetes and hypertension, will inhibit their quality of life later on. While nothing about Pastel’s conference was newsworthy or compelling, he did say that he will stop his usual diet of daiquiris and mayonnaise starting Monday, and start a new exercise method he calls “Cardio Strip-Tease”.

Pastel invented cardio strip-tease through his frequenting of the seediest New York all-male burlesque revues, he said. Commenting on the need for fun new ways to exercise, he said the idea came to him in a spurt of inspiration. With inspiration all over his face, he realized that he had a product second only to Richard Simmons’ “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” empire and a “whole lot better and more fun than Billy Blank’s Tae Bo videos.” Pastel hopes he can parlay the idea into a home DVD exercise program and expects to star in it, demonstrating the proper technique of cardio strip tease in a way that “will not injure your funky bone.” Pastel indicated longtime friends Boy George and George Michael will be featured as special guest stars.

GSL Enterprises has vehemently denied, and squashed, any claims made about offering Pastel financial or moral support for this endeavor.

Panel Meeting To Discuss Intellectual Property Precedent

Washington D.C. (GSP). A panel debate will be held today at the Institute for Advanced Civil Procedure at Georgetown University Law School today. Intellectual property legal scholars, federal judges, and patent and sports & entertainment lawyers will discuss the issues of precedent and legal procedure for Dr. Amer Pastel’s recent and unprecedented filing for patent on his “2-Inch Vertical Sweet Jumpshot.” Never before in the United States’ common law legal system has an individual filed for patent on an athletic movement, especially on something that both faces no potential competition nor would one even want to copy. As this filing moves into regulatory agencies, federal officials have been perplexed on how to handle the seemingly absurd and most likely impossible- to-enforce patent. Legal scholars will explore the issue that this will set precedent that will further tie up the legal system, already inefficient with too many extraneous patent filings per year. Legal analysts predict that a wave of “athletic movement” patents will follow, and the surrounding litigation for these cases will overtax the public’s supply of jury potential members in an already too-litigious society. Rumors are already suggesting that Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, and Wayne Gretzsky are thinking of filing their own athletic patents, possibly rendering it illegal to play their respective sports.

Escaped Pastel Gets Snack, Cleans Bathroom

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (GSP) -- An escaped progeny of Dr. Amar Pastel at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.

The 120-pound young illegitimate offspring of renowned GSL embalmer Amar Pastel, named Judy, escaped yesterday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside. Judy Pastel is the first human-non-human primate born illegitimately and eventually brought to captivity in the zoo. Fathered by Dr. Amar Pastel and an intellectually advanced chimpanzee/bonobo female named Koko, Judy was found foraging through zoo trash in 1986 and eventually brought to the Little Rock Zoo.

As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.

Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 24-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.

It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp-bonobo-man mix, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.

The zoo veterinarian gave Judy a drug to bring her around. Rademacher says Judy was groggy but fine after the episode.

The zoo says there was no danger Judy would get out of the primate keepers service area and onto zoo grounds.

Father Amar Pastel was notified, but refused comment at time of press release.