Curtis Ng, GSL President of Post-death Affairs, to visit Queen, vacation

Monson, MA (GSP). Curtis Ng has announced through his spokesperson at GSL Enterprises that he will take a one-week hiatus from his duties at the company and daughter operations involving chamomile products and funeral services.

Company representatives have stressed that GSL funeral services and chamomile production and distribution will not be affected by Ng's departure. They added that the same great services and products will be available at the company's usual value and low price.

Ng has alluded to meeting with a Queen of country unknown. He has requested respect for privacy and has warned any papparazzi that there will be serious consequences should he and his female companion be harrassed in any way. Ng added he is looking forward to a much needed vacation and break with the Queen, given the recent GSL relocations and the company introducing new products to new markets. He is expected to return July 9, 2006.

GSL Enterprises has been the purveyor of quality funeral services and chamomile products since 2003.

Study, Pastel Conclude Picking At It Makes It Better, Not Worse

Silicon Valley, CA (GSP). Mothers everywhere may have to hold their tongue - and get their kids to start scratching - thanks to Dr. Rama Pastel and head researchers from an independent research organization.

In a landmark study, sponsored by GSL Research Division, examining the benefits or harms associated with picking at it, researchers have concluded that, contrary to popular beliefs, there are no harms and picking at it actually makes it better.

While the study focused nearly exclusively on scabs and sores, there is reason to suggest the findings apply equally well to noses and ears, but not the anus, said Dr. Rama Pastel, Chief Dermatologist for the University of Minnesota Music School.

While the precise mechanism of why picking at it is beneficial has not been mapped, Pastel offered clues as to what scientists think what may be going on.

"The general consensus is that the scratching and digging effect of fingernails on scabs, sores and boils may provide a means to bring blood to the surface and deliver nutrients to the affected area. It is also possible that the psychological satisfaction of picking at it despite your mother's insistence to stop can increase the immune system and speed healing. But there are limits. There is no need to scratch so hard as to get black stuff under your fingernails. That is certainly not beneficial and should be avoided at all costs."

At first rejected from several top journals because of the conflicting financial interest by Pastel and GSL in Chamomile-based skin care, the study will finally be published in September 2006. Pastel and GSL eventually disclosed the nature of their chamomile business venture and research after several months of denying any association or conflict.

This article will be published in The International Journal of Dermatology. Pastel and GSL have announced plans on conducting further studies, specifically looking at the hedonic response to biting fingernails and profiling the peculiar, but popular habit of wiping so hard on the toilet that it hurts.

Dr. Pastel joins the cast of Dr. 90210

Hollywood, CA (GSP). Dr. Rey, move over. In an effort to stop rehashing old material, the E! Network has announced that Dr. Pastel will join the cast of their hit reality television show Dr. 90210. This is in response to a marketing survey that concludes Americans are tired of watching breast implant surgeries and are looking for new innovations in plastic surgery. The show will track Dr. Pastel through his Akron, OH practice, as he shows the hungry American public the intricacy of post-death celebrity plastic surgery. The first episode will show him making an 89 year old corpse named Ruth look like Bette Midler, a dying wish of hers. He will perform drastic facial reconstruction, liposuction, and showcase his mastery of hiding scars on non-healing dead flesh. The episode is also humorous, as it shows the charismatic personality and joking demeanor of Dr. Pastel as he cracks jokes in the operating room and manages his mortgage at home during his free time. Expect new things this season from this popular show.

University Recruitment Program announced at GSL

Akron, OH (GSP). GSL Enterprises has announced a university recruitment program for entry-level executives exiting top universities including Caltech, MIT, and Carnegie Mellon. This 3-year program is designed to locate and train young talent in multiple industries and groom them for management. GSL University Recruiter, Dr. Rama Pastel, has stated that employees in this program are sometimes accepted to their second-choice, non-accredited professional schools, including Barry University Business - Orlando, FL, St. Mary's Paralegal Certification Program - San Antonio Texas, ITT Tech (multiple locations) in accounting education. Requirements for this are: must be a robot with a 2.0 or better in an engineering or related business field. must prefer a fast-paced environment. must be authorized to work in the US.

Dr. Pastel Nominated as GOP's Presidential Candidate

Washington, DC (GSP). CSPAN today televised Dr. Pastel's acceptance of the GOP's Presidential Nomination. Political analysts say this nomination is due to Dr. Pastel's involvement with Enron and Haliburtan. Campaign funding will be provided by... April Fools from the Gymshorts Press! Happy holidays from all of us at GSP.

Random House Releases Buchanan's Book on the Modern Man

London, UK (GSP). Random House United Kingdom announced today that Elmo Buchanan's book "The Rules of Manhood: Nature not Nurture" will be published and distributed in August 2006. Buchanan's book is a disturbing but true look at how man's insticts have been inhibited in a matriarchal world that emphasizes unnatural womanly nurturing virtues. He meaningfully examine's how instinctual Nietzschian ideals have been supressed and that manhood is on the verge of collapse forever. Topics examined include the death of the American muscle car, government's regulation of manly big business, the man's salad, the castration of men by ice cream and sugar manufactoring, and how woman should not get time off to have babies. Timeless quotes from this book include "We are a nation of men raised by women" and "Any man who has ever eaten a blondie is a woman. I like my brownies and cookies and ice cream made out of beef" Random House has awarded the largest book contract in the history of publishing on the basis of 10 pages of this book. The book is currently being translated from its original German.

GSL Awarded Title of Merchant Bank

New York, NY (GSP). GSL Enterprises has learned today that it's application for certification as a merchant bank was accepted. GSL Enterprises will now be called: GSL Enterprises, Certified Merchant Bank. High risk junk bonds are now available for investors.

IT Consultants Recommend Aggressive Technology Restructuring

Boston, MA (GSP). Senior IT stategy consultant, Elmo Buchanan has recommended today that GSL Enterprises should utilize robots in all areas of production and service. Never an old-fashioned company, GSL Enterprises is constantly abreast of technology developments that increase efficiency and cut down on human resources. Operation analysts are working around the clock to determine which areas robots can replace people. The goal stated by Junior CFO, Dr. Pastel, is to eliminate 95% of human jobs and replace with cuddly robots. Robots will receive competitive benefits packages, including medical/dental, 2-week paid vacations, guaranteed raise of 3% annual. At the end of the stack-o-cards presentation, Buchanan stated "If robots work for Intel and the Ford Motor Company, they will work for us, as long as they don't develop a conscience and intelligence of their own and create a Terminator 2-Matrix world. GSL Enterprises: Where Robot Capital is #1."

Study shows statistical methods seriously flawed

Pittsburgh PA (GSP). A recent study by Carnegie Mellon statisticians has concluded that nearly all statistical methods are flawed with heavy bias towards the views of the researchers and investigators.

The metanalysis examined over 20 000 scientific studies published by peer reviewed journals, ranging from basic biology research to environmental sciences to psychological articles. The analysis found that a statistically significant proportion of the studies could be explained by manipulation, or mining, of the data. Moreover, the researchers found that the manipulation of the data could not be accounted for by chance, but rather is due to a self-promoting agenda by the labs or principle investigators conducting the study.

Igemidalo Alosnugo, leader of this landmark study, has said, "there is really no surprise here. Someone once said there are lies, damn lies and statistics. We have only shown that in a scientifically sound way."

While this news is expected to rock the scientific community, there is likely to be little impact on the daily life most Americans. CNN Scientific Correspondent, Alfredo Perez has said, "People for the most part do not care. Who cares if an infant fears a visual cliff, or newborns have a conception of numbers and simple math? Does it matter to anyone if a protein is involved in staving off depression? Does it make a difference if scientists have been lying about these things from the start? These things are simply not important and should not be concerning the general population."

Response to the paper by the public has been surprisingly apathetic. One college graduate from a prominent university said, "What's new about this? I've been saying for years you can make statistics show what you want to show."

It appears like a day of triumph for those who have decried the use of government and university grants for useless research. One study profiled a sample of college students who responded favorably to the article. About 82% of those who liked the paper have said at one point in their life, "I just don't believe in all those claims (referring to science results)" and nearly 96% have once said, "that kind of stuff is just pseudo-science." Most of these students initially thought the analysis only looked at psychological studies and were surprised to hear it included biological, chemical and social sciences and economics studies too. The same study profiled a group of students who did not like the paper and found that most of them (erroneously) considered science an important part of life. The survey authors added that a statistically significant proportion of these subjects were of low intelligence and of poor social adjustment.

The article by Alosnugo and colleagues will be published in the August 2006 issue of the Journal of Research Sciences and Statistical Methods.

When will Dr. Pastel's goodness ever stop!

Encino, CA (GSP). In the "Neighbors" section of the Encino Tribunal today, an article was published on Dr. Pastel mentorship of a local teenager in Encino. The teenager, named Amar Patel, was taken to the zoo, helped with SAT's, and given financial advice on his myspace group. Dr. Pastel has changed this kid's life. Once a loner and social recluse, Amar Patel will now go to South California State College - San Carlos to study criminal justice. Amar Patel's mother, Anita Patel was quoted as saying, "Dr. Pastel is a regular fixture at our house. He comes over to watch television with the children and regularly eats at our table. Dr. Pastel does what he does out of the goodness of his heart. What makes him rich is not money, but goodness."

Dr. Pastel is also not stingy with his paycheck. He has also joined One Voice, an organization that supports children in war-torn Africa. Reportedly, Dr. Pastel gives $0.30 a day to help an African child named Manuel eat, go to school, and pay rent for a studio apartment in Nairobi. Manuel is reported to want to pursue acting.

GSL Environment friendly; Impact of Pennsylvania floods; Dr. Patel lauded for philanthropic gestures

Alton, IL (GSP). GSL Chamomile announced today to BBC news that they will embrace ethanol fueled transportation vehicles, utilizing the surge of ethanol pumps throughout the midwest. Following a move to transport all chamomile in Toyota Hybrid Yaris coupes, GSL further follows through with its committment to alternative fuel. Environmental lobbyists on capitol hill have used the GSL example to support their cause of a less-petroleum dependent USA.

New York, NY (GSP). Senior risk managment consultant, Elmo Buchanan was consulted today on the impact of Pennsylvania floods on GSL Enterprises livelihood. He was quoted as saying, "The deaths in Pennsylvania are unfortunate. But it is unlikely that the 12 people dead would want celebrity post-death makeovers at this point." He also concluded that GSL Enterprises will not beef up its natural disaster insurance policies. This is based on the simple strategy philosophy that GSL Enterprises does not learn from others' mistakes, GSL doesn't make mistakes. After number crunching, Buchanan concluded that there will be no impact of the floods on the GSL Chamomile's livelihood, as most of GSL production is in rural Canada and most sales are to desperate "lotioned-up" housewives in Orange County, California.

Akron, OH (GSP). In a bold philanthropic move, Dr. Pastel has offered $1000 of his own money to the Gates Foundation to match Warren Buffet's $40 Billion. Dr. Pastel has stated that he would offer $1 for every $40,000 Buffet donates to charitable organizations. An exit poll at the Akron Piggly Wiggly concludes that 53% of Akron locals think Dr. Pastel should be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor, or at least a Purple Heart.

Dr. Pastel, GSL Launches Post-Life Makeover Service; Criticism Swirls

Los Angeles CA (GSP). Renowned controversial embalmer and pseudo-doctor Amar Pastel has issued a statement late last night describing a unique technique of post-mortem plastic surgery, he has been experimenting with the past several weeks and has now claimed to have perfect.

The procedure has been dubbed a post-life makeover. In other words, plastic surgery on corpses, primarily to make the deceased resemble their favorite movie star.

In Pastel's statement, released through GSL Enterprises' PR division, he says that the several late individuals he has done have been to the delight of the family, especially offering the low cost for the then-experimental procedure. Pastel hopes to implement this technique on a large scale in all GSL Funeral Services outlets with the use of low-paid apprentices, medical students and robots. Pastel has claimed to have done several Donald Trumps, Glenn Closes and even a John Voight. Although not formally disclosed, the statement hinted that males of Asian origin are generally not considered eligible for such a procedure, simply because they are inherently too disfigured.

CNN medical analysts have denounced the statement as a hoax, stating that is not physiologically possible to perform successful facial plastic surgery on a corpse since a dead body cannot repair or regenerate itself. GSL representatives have pointed out that this is part of the business appeal of offering a service to the consumers. Citing low overhead attributed to not needing anesthetics, anesthesiologists, sterilization and costly medication in addition to a balanced risk management plan: there is no harm, or pain, to the deceased and low-to-no risk for any long-lasting problems. Criticism has been launched against Pastel and GSL, claiming that this is another scheme by the company to take advantage of a low-income population who are obsessed with celebrities and makeovers.

Elmo Buchanan, LCSW, President of Business Operations for GSL is quoted, "We feel we are offering a great service at a great value for the consumer. For any of you who have always wanted to get the plastic surgery, or look like a movie star, and you couldn't afford it, now you can finally have it: pain-free, no hassles and no worries about bills or insurance. Especially with funerals today, you end up being the center of attention, so you might as well look great. I have seen several final products personally and I am confident that we are providing a service that will be of great appeal. In fact, I was a little envious seeing Pastel's final Bob Sagat on an elderly gentleman." Asked whether he would do it himself, Buchanan replied that he would really like to look like Hong Kong action star Jackie Chan, but that Pastel has still refused to perform a post-mortem makeover on Asian males.

Financial analysts at FOX are uncertain what impact such a business move would have on GSL stock. Initially thought to be a very poor decision that would negatively impact quarterly reports, doubt in this prediction was cast as the pattern of GSL's smashing success in all "questionable" business ventures was reviewed. As one analyst was quoted, "GSL can do no wrong right now."

According to the company website, GSL Enterprises, LLC has brought the consumer quality funeral services and chamomile products since 2003. GSL is based out of Akron, Ohio and has a daughter company location in Napanee, Ontario.

Market Research Shows: The American Consumer Prefers Some Interracial Couples But Not Others

Boston, MA (GSP). Spherion, a leading independent market research company concluded that the American public prefers interracial couples in advertisement. This was concluded after the major success of the "Take A Hike" television commercials by Volkswagon, in which a white male is taken to his Asian girlfriend's parents home and told to take a hike. Volkswagon manufactoring requests rose 3% after the release of the commercial. Spherion also provided limitations to their conclusion. The American public does not like advertisments featuring Asian males when paired with women of any race. When asked why, they responded that it is simply not realistic.

GSL Enterprises is currently developing a television commercial in which an Asian female in the company of her friends at a cafe enjoys Chamomile-based biscotti and comments favorably on the white, shirtless construction worker across the street.

Dr. Pastel Heads to Kitchen Stadium

Los Angeles, CA (GSP). Dr. Pastel of GSL Enterprises will head to the Food Network's Kitchen Stadium for an episode of Iron Chef America. He will compete against Katzi Katsumodo, French-Trained Japanese Chef who owns Dashi, a top Japanese restaurant in New York. Although the ingredient of the day is still to be announced, speculations surround Kraft Singles as the choice, due to recent marketing Kraft has focused on the Food Network. Expect Kitchen Stadium to fill with the smell of grilled cheese from two renounced chefs.

In similar food news, Giada De Laurentis of Everday Italian on the Food Network has invited Elmo Buchanan of GSL Enterprises to display the wonders of chamomile in everday, healthy cooking. The natural chemistry between the two promises good programming, but keep in mind this is for adult audiences only.

Rapid Communication: Dr. Pastel to embark on college speaking tour, sparks outrage

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

NEWINGTON, CT (GSP) - GSL Enterprises representatives and the attorney for Dr. Amar Pastel, CPA, have announced a college speaking tour among top business programs in the continental US set for the fall of 2006.

The controversial doctor will be visiting the top 25 schools in America to speak about a variety of topics, ranging from business strategy and risk management to an autobiographical portion about his rise from a small town notary public to the number one embalmer in America.

Known for his charsimatic speaking style and ability to incite passion in his listeners, Pastel will reflect on the state of funeral services in America and also his unique position as one of four South East Asian-American embalmers in the country. It is unclear how he or his audience will respond to his recent indictment on alleged insider trading and questionable relations with homemaker mogul Martha Stewart.

Senior PR analysts at FOX call the timing of his announcement and tour puzzling, given his legal problems, recent relocation and spotted history of unethical business practices with GSL. Several colleges, including Wharton, Harvard and MIT, have been adamant that Dr. Pastel will not be welcome at their campus, claiming the man a charlatan. Several Forbes financial education analysts predict that many more will follow suit and it is quite likely Pastel's tour will falter before it even begins.

GSL is a private herbal tea and funeral services company that has frequently used Pastel as a spokesperson and representative for all health- and immigrant-related queries. The company principals, Elmo Buchanan MBA and Curtis Ngynoco MPH were refusing to comment on Pastel's tour. Attorney for GSL and Pastel, Dimejios Ashley-Ogun, only said, "it's cool, dawg" when asked whether Pastel was insulted by being snubbed by top-tier business schools.

Estimated tour revenues generated for GSL and Pastel are predicted to exceed $150 000. Investigative correspondents for the AP will report further figures as they are disclosed.

Chinese Typhoons Disrupt Chamomile Supply Chain

Hong Kong (GSP). CNN reports news of major typhoons hitting Southeast China, the main supplier of Chamomile to American businesses. This weather system will seriously disrupt supply of chamomile to American distributers, causing Indian Chamomile bushell prices the to rise sharply. All major American chamomile distributers will be forced to buy Indian Chamomile, raising prices of chamomile products and causing price sensitive consumers to buy Aloe products instead.

Head Futures Trader at GSL Enterprises, Elmo Buchanan, predicted the coming Asian typhoon season and wisely bought 10 million bushells of Indian Chamomile just before the typhoon hit. Profits made on this wise investing will absorb some of the rising supply costs GSL Chamomile. Although GSL prices will be predicted to rise slightly, GSL Chamomile will remain the lowest-cost Chamomile on the market. Industry analysts predict Sleepy Time Herbal Teas, GSL's main competitor, to lose major profits in the next quarter.

Dr. Pastel: new sector penetration, stars support, controversy surrounding late Hall

AKRON, Ohio (GSP) - Dr. Pastel, despite his recent legal troubles in alleged insider trading and disruptive indictment, has not let his work suffer. Refusing to compromise his GSL Funeral Services work in light of legal distractions, he has tapped into, and cornered, a new market sector that has previously not been reached by any company, much less an individual.

In a statement released through his lawyer, Dimejios Ashley-Ogun, Dr. Pastel has apparently chosen to focus primarily upon celebrity funerals, using the deceased star's movies as inspiration for creating that last image they, or their families, wish to present to the world, in particular their peers in Hollywood. MSNBC financial analysts predict a significant impact in GSL Enterprises stock, and have extolled it as a bold, and excellent, business decision.

News of Dr. Pastel's innovative celebrity death service has spread like wildfire amongst the industry elite. Paris Hilton is quoted, "I hope when I go, Dr. Pastel can make me look thinner. After all, caskets can make you look so fat. Not to mention the nightmare of rigor mortis. You really need a good embalmer you can trust if you're going to go out in style." It is speculated that GSL has already order a specially designed casket for Hilton, likely to be pink, feathery and of similar size to a pen shaft.

Even Jared Fogle, a C-level celebrity of Subway sandwiches fame, released a statement that he wishes Dr. Pastel to be an important part of his funeral arrangements. Creatively specifying a casket designed like a submarine sandwich, a Subway sandwich artist uniform as his final outfit and a specially preserved Chipotle Chophouse Steak sub, his favorite, that he intends to clutch during his visitation. Arrangements have already been made with Curtis Nguyhen, MPH, Director in Chief of Mortuary Services and Subway to provide low-fat Subway sandwiches in a buffet style/a la carte brunch during the wake.

Conservative evangelist Pat Robertson and Focus on the Family president, Dr. James Dobson, have both decried the services of Dr. Pastel claiming that this is further exploitation of Hollywood's low-morals and low-intelligence in an effort to take advantage of the "one-upmanship" that has so characterized celebrities in the 21st century. They have called for a boycott of GSL products and services by all celebrity Christians. The ramifications of such a request are likely to be low or nil, given the high proportions of Scientologists in the celebrity community who are eagerly awaiting their own deaths in order to get Dr. Pastel's coveted care.

Dr. Pastel's business statement was released shortly after news was leaked that he was providing embalming services to the late Arsenio Hall. When revealed that Hall, a personal friend of Ashley-Ogun was directed towards GSL Funeral Services with insistence, criticism arose from Hall's family and friends directed at Ashley-Ogun, Pastel and GSL Enterprises, ranging from extortion, to nepotism, to despotism. Financial statements dating back to 2003 have shown Ashley-Ogun to be financially dependent on GSL revenue, as GSL is a significant portion of his client and business base.

Controversy has swirled over whether Hall's last wishes were indeed to have his service in Akron, Ohio at the former Scalzo's Home, instead of under a soggy log where he has resided for the past several years. Ashley-Ogun released a statement through a spokeswoman, "Arsenio was a dear, dear friend of mine. From teaching me how to effectively swear as a young lad in the wee hours of the night, to showing me how to dance: he was always there, as a best friend. Likewise, I just want the best for him, and the best is, without a doubt, Dr. Amar Pastel."

It is anticipated that Dr. Pastel will attempt to recreate one or two of the personalities that Hall portrayed in the hit film "Coming to America", possibly the elderly evangalistic preacher or the drag queen in a seedy bar.

Hall's funeral will be held this Saturday at the former Scalzo's Funeral Home in Akron, Ohio. Family has requested, in lieu of flowers, donations be made in the form of cash donations to the GSL Philanthropic Fund or bottles of HPNOTIQ to Ashley-Ogun's Urban Culture Awareness Society.

GSL Urban Culture Consultant to buy Chicago Bulls

Chicago, IL (GSP). In an effort to increase visibility of GSL Enterprises and to satisfy his own personal attraction to Michael Jordan, Dimejios Ashley, chief urban culture consultant for GSL Enterprises has offered $1 Million to buy the Chicago Bulls. He has borrowed $300 Million from GSL Enterprises' investors, with a legally-binding IOU stating "I'll get back at u dawg, one." The new owner of the Chicago Bulls, Dimejios, will require all players to shave their heads, wear #23, and be like Mike. He is currently meeting with National Basketball League lawyers to make this possible.

Apprentice-Style Reality Television Show Announced; Lost Dog

Hollywood, CA (GSP). Capitalizing on the rapid growth of GSL Enterprises, an Apprentice-stye reality television show focusing on GSL business strategy is announced by Nickelodeon to air in 2007 on Nick-At-Night, with host Dr. Pastel, CPA, the charistmatic Junior CFO of GSL. This program will combine the business-elements-success of the Apprentice with around-the-world frantic screaming of The Great Race. Celebrity Co-hosts will also frequent the show. Bill Cosby, Will Smith, & Ray Romano have been announced for the first season.

Birmingham, AL (GSP). Dimejios Ashley, JD, chief paralegal for GSL Enterprises has lost his female chihuahua named Tinkerbell. He is offering a $500 reward and a hug to the finder.

Akron, OH (GSP). Legal proceedings have been taken against Us Weekly for publishing photos of Curtis Nyugen, Mph, Head Funeral Director for GSL Enterprises, dumping motor oil in a storm drain. Environmental activists are outraged and have been picketing outside his Akron, Ohio mansion. His lawyer, Mrs. Butterfly JD, has responded to the Mexican Associated Press, that he was merely pouring coffee out.

The legal team at GSL Enterprises says they will prevent defamation from ratty tabloids at all costs, after a previous scandal resulting from photos of Elmo Buchanan, Director of GSL Investment Banking in Africa, and Nicole Richie together peeking out of a slit curtain were published in Home & Garden as "The Curtain Stylings of Wall Street Giants."

Scandal Rocks the Business World; Dr, Pastel Indicted

Washington, D.C. (GSP). US News reports indictment proceedings against Dr. Rama Pastel, CPA, on allegations of insider trading. Reportedly, Dr. Pastel took a stock tip from Martha Stewart, with whom he is said to have relations, securing $50,000 in his illegal activities. Dr. Pastel is currently under house-arrest in his hill-side mansion in Akron, Ohio. His attorney Dimejios Ashley, JD, has responded with no comment.

Legal and financial analysts for Fox News are unsure on how these allegations will affect GSL Enterprises, of which Dr. Pastel is Junior CFO. Allan Greenspan has been called to an emergency meeting to possibly raise federal bank reserve requirements to head off rampant inflation this scandal is predicted to drive. Despite the disturbing turn of events, stock for GSL Enterprises rose another $.02 today on the NYSE, contributing to this quarter's wave of bullish market activity. More news to follow.

Marketshares skyrocket as news of GSL transition hits Tokyo; Dr. Pastel elated, stolid

TOKYO (GSP) - News of the enormous GSL Enterprises shake-up hit Tokyo about 4am on June 27, prompting marketshares to skyrocket.

Recent GSL Enterprises movement has included relocating the Chamomile department production facilities to Napanee, Ontario, and company headquarters, along with burgeoning funeral services outlets to Akron, Ohio.

The large-scale financial impact of these moves, as projected by Bloomberg investment analysts, have sent brokers, traders and investors reeling. The NASDAQ, Dow Jones and least surprisingly, the Toronto Stock Exchange (TSE), have been influenced by these moves and, in particular, the response by Asian financial centers (Tokyo, Beijing and remote provinces of China).

In an unprecedented jump from a little known tea and death care venture, to a key market leader of herbal tea products and cutting edge funeral services, GSL has been the talk of the analysts and investors for several minutes now.

With groundbreaking thinking about market strategy lead by President of Business Strategy and Senior Director of Strategic Communications Elmo Buchanan, MBA; President of Business Operations, Senior Director of Health Policy and Development and Director-in-Chief of Mortuary Services and Undertaking, Curtis Nguya, MPH; legal exploitation and urban culture consultant Dimejio Ashley, JD; and front-line embalmer and key opinion leader in industrious Asian spirit, Dr. Rama Pastel, CPA; GSL Enterprises is poised to take control of significant, if not all, market shares of the herbal tea and death care domains.

GSL Enterprises became incorporated in late 2004. Starting out as a grass-roots organization, GSL quickly rose to prominence as their malicious exploitation of employees, investors and clients earned excessivelyl lucrative profits by 2005. Despite stringent government employee and customer protection policies at the time, GSL singlehandedly caused the review, and modifications of current practices by early 2006. Their innovative and strategic legal interpretations, as dictated by Dimejios Ashley JD, put GSL outside the realm of US protection policies, and the cold, calculating bottom-line philosophy that has characterized Elmo Buchanan, MBA, and defined GSL from its inception awarded GSL with the distinction of being the most profitable company in modern history.

So successful is the company, that Fortune magazine described GSL as a near-miss from their top 100 companies to work with, and the single worst company to work for. Critics and supporters of GSL's business model can agree on one thing: there should be two eras recognized in the business world: The Pre-GSL era, and the Post-GSL era.

With the final financial impact of GSL services on the global scale uncertain, it is clear that this is only the beginning. Developments will be reported as they occur.

Stock Rises, Curtis Ng mentioned in Forbes, Insiders take a look at new "Calm Down" campaign

(New York, NY) Investment Bank JP Morgan has successfully introduced shares of GSL Enterprises, LLC, to the NYSE. GSL Enterprises will sell 10% of its shares to investors in order to generate equity for structural expansion and developments in emerging markets. Stocks rise $.02 in the first 5 minutes despite CNBC investment analysts losing predictions.

Head Funeral Director for GSL Funeral Services Curtis Ng, MPH has been listed in Forbes July Issue as the funeral services seventh-leading entrepeneur of the year. His response to the Akron Advocate, "I am deeply honored to receive this nomination. I can only thank the tremendous hard work that my colleagues have done in helping me calm down."

Senior Strategy Consultant, Elmo MBA, has concluded against entering the white-cloth industry. A memo sent out on Thursday says "The consumers of white-cloth are very cost-sensitive, making differentiation of our product difficult to a very poor, stupid, and racist market segment. The product durability of existing costumes make our market dependent on growing membership and not existing consumers. Although a large network effect could be generated by increased propaganda, the low-growth potential despite a large market share developed from aggressive marketing makes our investments moot and zilch."

Insiders at Fox News substantiates claims of a new marketing campaign by GSL Enterprises, called simply "Calm Down." News of this will air on Friday at 11am/10 Central on Financial Today with Murphy Brown.

Corporate Offices Established, Dr. Pastel relocates

Corporate offices for GSL Enterprises, LLC, have been declared to be located in Akron, Ohio. This location will contain all financial operations for the company. Dr. Rama Pastel, CPA will be declared Junior Chief Financial Officer next Tuesday, and he will relocate to claim his position by Fall. Forcasting this announcement by Bloomberg investment analysts, GSL Enterprise's stock should rise due to Dr. Pastel's demonstrated postive leadership in the garben herb and funeral services industries.

Due to the low tariffs on products between the USA and Canada, Senior Strategic Consultant Elmo, MBA, concluded that manufacturing of GSL Chamomile, a daughter company of GSL Enterprises, should be located in Avril Lavigne's hometown. The competitive advantage of unskilled labor and corollarly low human capital bargaining power made this choice a no brainer. In addition, supply of Chinese-grown Chamomile distributed through Toronto's large Chinese suppliers will provide stable supply costs for the next year. GSL Enterprises is currently selling larger stock shares in order to finance new strategies in cutting supply costs further by researching Canadian-grown Chamomile. Within one year, GSL Chamomile should undercut competitors by offering low-price, high-quality Chamomile products. Aggressive marketing strategies have also been announced, but are still under development.

GSL Funeral Services, another daughter company of GSL Enterprises, has recently acquired Scalzo's Funeral Home in Akron, Ohio. Market analysis looking at the target's market position, the Net Present Value of the acquisition, and rising death rate in the USA, forcasts a favorable outcome for this move. Curtis Ng, MPH, was appointed Head Funeral Director due to his innate knowledge of the industry and demonstrated talent in offering soothing relief to loved ones. GSL Enterprises will finance an aggressive restructuring of Scalzo's Funeral Home, laying off all present employees just to be mean. Because of its mature product life, funeral services at the new GSL Funeral Home will offer be the lowest priced funeral services in Ohio but still provide effective differentiation through thoughtful and innovative embalming, superior drafting of Wills by The Law Offices of Dimejios, JD, and a 24 hour customer service phoneline. This is thought to attract new market segments and undercut any potential entrants into the Ohio funeral services industry.

Amar embraces embalming apprenticeship; increases respect, earning potential

AKRON, OHIO (GSP) - Despite the initial gross-out factor experienced by our intrepid Dr. Amar Pastel in the field of corpse embalming, Pastel has come into his own after only a few days. Due in part to knowing that his only chance of financial success is in an alternative occupation in a white-dominated business world, and part in his genuine growing affinity for replacing old non-circulating blood with various preservative liquids and fluids. Regardless, Pastel has taken to this new career with unbridled enthusiasm matched only by his exuberance for stealing other people's hobbies.

This new apprenticeship endeavor is a good thing, since his earning potential has increased (he was originally planning on becoming a doctor - and we all know how successful Indian/Asian doctors are.... they make no money!) and the respect from females has improved (since they are now aware that he has his hands inside dead people for a living). There is no question his quality of life has improved since beginning this apprenticeship under the world-renowned master-embalmer Dr. Koleen McGrink-Cronkler. With her DSLs, Pastel has been known to stay a little longer than he has to in the morgue/mortuary.... and who could blame him?

The rest of the GSL operation is running smoothly. Dimejio is busy creating playlists, Curtis is in negotiation and Alfred is still searching. Business as usual for GSL.

Reminder: Home Improvement is on at 5:30.

Calm down,
GS-One

GSL explodes onto the Internet, webspace; Amar furious

GSL has launched its brand new weblog amid Amar Pastel's concerns and fears.

Despite the so-called problems identified by Dr. Pastel, GSL has boldly moved forth in their venture to dessiminate the message and product due to public demand. Never an organization to rest on its laurels, triumphs of the past or uncertain futures, GSL has charged forward with ostensible passion and the intention on making the world, and skin follicles, a better place.