GSL trivia challenge garners wild answer: 2009 is Year of the Pervert, prophecy

Op-ed: Special to GSP, Tim-Tim Horton. Akron OH (GSP).

The lunar new year was celebrated by Asians around the world January 26, 2009. As a business committed to secular diversity, GSL Enterprises honored the holiday with a moment of silence during the company's morning prayers. To increase enjoyment of the celebration, Asian employee Cho Sung-Chan posed a company-wide question as part of a trivia challenge: What Chinese zodiac sign is celebrated for 2009?

Given the high profile of company principal and blustery embalmer Dr. Amar Pastel, the majority of workers said that 2009 is the Year of the Pervert. With several comments along the lines of, "Pastel is so base, he has no place to go but up" and "If Pastel didn't have bad luck, he'd have no luck at all", it was clear GSL employees were rallying behind Pastel, looking for the reviled and notorious GSL CEO (chief embalming officer) to increase his social capital. Furthermore, in an eerie coincidence, several GSL Asians consulted their chinky almanacs and reportedly discovered an ancient prophecy touting 2009 as indeed the Year of the Pervert. The prophecy predicts that in 2009, perverts everywhere will increase the publicity of their perverted acts, regardless of scandal and social norms, only to implode on themselves in a twisted mess of outrageous perversion. There are allusions to a perspiring Indian chap leading the charge of perverts with aplomb. The prophecy was discovered in a code of Chinese characters found in a book of ancient spiritual sayings and food recipes entitled "The Hidden Saying of Confuscious and Cookie: The Dawn of Sorrow and Tears."

While all GSL employees hope that Pastel curtails his perverted lifestyle and can relate to normal people, they do not expect that to happen. The majority encourage the continuing coverage of Pastel's public acts by GSPress as a celebration of diversity and tolerance, despite the inherent scandals that accompany each press release. Others worry about the threatening nature of Pastel's perverted actions, particularly among GSL employee robots who have claimed to catch Pastel doing much more, and worse things, than is currently reported.

While GSP seeks to provide objective and groundbreaking news coverage, even the editors agree that 2009 is indeed the Year of the Pervert. Editor-in-chief Sam Smithello says, "we will continue to publish and report on Dr. Amar Pastel through 2009 and beyond, as long as he remains a pervert-at-large. We do not doubt he will continue his ways, and until we see otherwise, his life will be under extra scrutiny. We have nothing to lose keeping him honest and exposing his demented way of life."

That is good news, and relief, for faithful readers and bad news for Dr. Amar Pastel and his family.

Tim-Tim Horton is Human Resources Manager for GSL Robot Division, specializing in internal conflict management. He claims to have several boxes worth of complaints about Dr. Amar Pastel, the subject of the above editorial.

GSL Enterprises applies for federal bailout, efforts to deport Pastel

Washington DC (GSP). GSL Enterprises announced Monday that it will be asking for federal funds to help buoy the company's financial woes. Asking for a bailout is an unprecedented, but not entirely unexpected move by GSL, which was built on free market principles. A previously staunch fiscal conservative, CFO Russel Dalrymple, stated that such a move was necessary to allow him to keep his job managing the business practices of GSL. He acknowledged several business mistakes including bad investment decisions, shoddy products and innovations that were simply not grounded in reality. Dalrymple passed the proverbial buck on to Dr. Amar Pastel, saying, "If Pastel had focused on his job as embalmer-in-chief and remained in his isolated TV room where all the boxes are, then none of this would've happened." Dalrymple claims Pastel insisted on investing heavily in sub-prime mortgages as a "way to ensure the future and stability of our company." Furthermore, Pastel made illegal business decisions to outsource the entire "Baby GSL Chamomile Formula and Diaper Rash Cream" product line to China, where every item became contaminated with lethal amounts of lead. GSL agreed to a multimillion dollar settlement for families of 152 dead babies. In official statements, GSL pinned all the blame on Pastel and his "perverted" tendencies.

Dalrymple defended his decision to ask for federal bailout money: "Firstly, we do not consider this a bailout, but rather a loan. We intend on paying back every cent to the government. GSL continues to provide the best possible chamomile and death services to the American public. We just need an opportunity to prove it, which is what this bailout is all about. We would like some tax money so sexy housewives can continue to grease themselves up with our patented GSL chamomile lotion, and that the hard working American family can bid their grandfather a fond farewell by dressing up his dead body like an astronaut." When asked how taxpayers will see their money spent if a bailout is approved, Dalrymple said, "first and foremost, we will pay to have INS review the immigration status of Dr. Amar Pastel and do our best to get him deported." When told there is evidence that Pastel is actually an American, Dalrymple replied, "Impossible. He is an Indian and very brown. GSL is committed to employing real Americans, like Clint Eastwood, Chris Cornell and Zach Braff."

The Federal Treasury said they have not received an application for a bailout from GSL Enterprises at the time of publication.

Dr. Amar Pastel enjoys Casa Bonita, gets kicked out

Denver CO (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel visited the popular theme-restaurant Casa Bonita in Denver with his mother last Saturday. Stating he had a "good time", Pastel proudly showed off a souvenir picture snapped by restaurant photographer. He and his mother enjoyed chimichangas, taquitos and, of course, lots of scrumptious sopapillas. However, despite the unlimited gimmick of the restaurant, the Casa Bonita floor manager, Rex McHarlene decided to cut off the Pastel family for fear of running out of food. Pastel claimed no knowledge of this and said he was well sated and satisfied with the service.

Pastel loved the cliff divers and the mariachi band. However, the night was not without controversy: Pastel was caught masturbating in Black Bart's cave by surveillance cameras and removed from the premises by 10pm. Pastel claimed full knowledge of the presence of surveillance cameras and said it was "the reasons why I did what I did." When asked to respond to the public humiliation Pastel said, "Am I sorry I got caught? Absolutely - anyone would be! Am I sorry I did it? That's a different question and I refuse to comment on that." When pressed, Pastel said, "No. I am not sorry I did it."

Pastel and his mother are now blacklisted at Casa Bonitas with a 5 year complete ban, the maximum penalty instituted by the National Theme Restaurant Association - Mexican Chapter. When asked how this will affect his lifestyle, Pastel simply said it won't. "I get most of my ethnic food from Hop Sing's. Those Asians would never blacklist me there, " Pastel deadpanned.

Casa Bonita has since placed several signs indicating "masturbating on-site is strictly prohibited", in what is being dubbed in Denver as "The Pastel Restriction."

Photo courtesy of Mama Pastel, 2009.