Pastel Patents Peeling Product, GSL Derides as “Useless” Banana Device

West Palm Beach FL (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel, cutting-edge embalmer and budding entrepreneur/ inventor has patented a unique banana peeling device, equipped with razors and pins to get you to the meat of the torpedo-shaped fruit fast. The machine is described by Pastel as, “The first automatized banana-peeling platform ever created.” Designed to remove the skin of the banana “doucement” and slipping it off easily and smoothly, Pastel has said his peeling machine is the “best in the business.” He continued, “if you are like me and you want to have that banana in your mouth fast and now, waiting around is unbearable. With my special peeler, you can have the skin off and the fleshy fruit in your mouth and be swallowing its goodness in seconds!”

Pastel has self-reportedly positioned himself to receive investments from GSL Enterprises to get his product off the ground. However, representatives for GSL have claimed otherwise, saying they only have a contract with Pastel as an “embalming consultant.” The contract has never included any clauses about investing in banana peeling inventions. CEO Elmo Buchanan has said this product is “useless” and “looks like it was designed for a school assignment by a student who was too unimaginative to come up with a practical invention.” Studies have shown that increased television watching may lead to a decrease in creative imagination.

Pastel though is confident that his peeling machine will be on the market soon. “It has to be,” Pastel said, “this is my brain child and I want to make sure everyone gets their fruit. Fruits don’t get enough respect anymore, and I feel it is my duty for people to understand what being a fruit and nourishing people is all about.” He slowly peeled a banana with his invention, took a bite and thoughtfully added, “My goodness this banana feels so good in my mouth.” Then he swallowed and smiled as the thick banana juice dribbled down his chin, sparkling in the Florida sun.

Bizarre garbage letter penned by Pastel to roommates; not appreciated

Anchorage AK (GSP). Yesterday an email was leaked to the pressed, apparently written by Dr. Amar Pastel, embalmed embalmer for GSL Enterprises, castigating his roommates for their inability to put the trash out. Interestingly, Pastel even included pictures to prove his point. Pluralistic-living psychologists agree that this is a very strange approach and likely a very bad strategy to encourage roommates to comply. They recommend for individuals with problem roommates that the exact opposite approach is needed: a frank discussion devoid of awkward attempts at humor.

Below is a letter with actual photos attached.

Hi Gents

I've noticed we've been collectively neglectful of our trash duties, so this is a friendly neighbourhood reminder that we get trash picked up every morning except Sunday and that if it needs to be taken out, please just bag it and put it outside the door. I know no one likes to do it, but it has to be done (has anyone else been reading about the dangers of rodents in buildings like these?? I have - it is really disgusting).

May I propose a solution that should keep the garbage flowing out of here? I suggest that if you put garbage in the bin and it sticks out above the rim, it is time to take it out. I don't know how anyone can argue with this, but if you think this is unfair please let everyone know. As I said no one likes to take it out and it is only worse if there is a huge stack of greasy trash that is delicately placed on top of an already unsteady pyramid of garbage that protudes above the rim like a giant pimple. Yes, we can all imagine the disgustingness as the weeks-old decomposing junk tumbles down at the slightest gust of wind, and how much worse it is when one of us has to actually compact it with our hands and tie it up. Let's just keep in mind that if we don't take out our trash, one of our kind and generous roommates will have to.

This is not a castigation and I hope you find it a bit humorous that we all let it get as bad as we did. It is out now, so hopefully we can abide by the "sticking above the top" rule. There are bags under the couch to use.

And for even more laughs, I've included the "never-will-happen-again" picture.

Also, I would also recommend that for spoiled milk that is to be thrown out, it should be dumped down the toilet and flushed, and not left in the plastic container for it to rot even more. Apparently it is better for the environment and the good people that recycle those plastic bottles to flush the old milk down the toilet. I'm less picky about that, so it is just a suggestion.

Yours in perverted manhood,
Dr. Amar Pastel