Pastel Models Innovative GSL Diapers for India

Stratford, GBR (GSP). GSL Enterprises, as predicted, is set to penetrate the adult diaper market in mainland India. Announcement of the plans came in England today, as GSL posterboy, Dr. Amar Pastel, modeled the adult underwear before a sea of reporters.

Pastel was unusually happy and seemed to enjoy spreading his legs to demonstrate the superior flexibility and moisture control of GSL’s newly designed adult diaper. When asked about why he was so proud to model geriatric undergarments, he said he played a major role in the research and development. GSL heads Elmo Buchanan and Curtis Ng confirmed this claim, saying that “we couldn’t have developed this cutting edge absorption material without Pastel’s blood, sweat, tears, [urine] and [fecal matter]. Literally.”

Pastel concluded his fashion show by soiling himself and rolling around on the catwalk to show that no feces can leak out, and that those proud of their smelly mess can indulge themselves with GSL’s unique and patented “AromAmplifier”.

Few reporters made it to the end of Pastel’s fashion show.

Shocking Photo of Dr. Amar Pastel, MD Fighting Off Paparazzi

Bollywood, INDIA (GSP). In this disturbing photo, Dr. Pastel MD is seen fighting off a paparazzi photographer while attempting to give candy to a minor.

The photo was sold to GSPress for exclusive publications rights. Reprints or reproduction are strictly prohibited without express written consent of Andia Winslow.

Pastel, Ashley-Ogun Refusing to Speak to Each Other

Nashville TN (GSP). In a rare instance of GSL Enterprises dissention, it was leaked this morning by an anonymous source that Dr. Amar Pastel, chief embalming consultant, and Mr. Dimejios Ashley-Ogun, Attorney General for GSL, are not on speaking terms. According to the source, the two are not returning phone calls, Pastel has sent nasty mass company emails critical of Ashley-Ogun's choice in women and Ashley-Ogun has circulated incriminating photos of Pastel in compromising positions, most of which involve the affable embalmer in revealing gym shorts.

The causes of this rift are unclear, but some have linked the animosity to Ashley-Ogun's constant criticism of Pastel's dietary habits, or to Pastel's absolute domination of Ashley-Ogun on the basketball court. What is certain is that disciplinary action will be determined by CEO Elmo Buchanan and President of Punative Affairs, Curtis Ng. Past GSL employees have been known to be fired under suspicion of espionage, or for leaking oil on the building rugs. Several former GSL employee robots have refused to discuss the grounds for their dismissal.

Dr. Pastel, GSL Dismayed with N. Korea Nuclear Testing

Albertville, NORTH KOREA (GSP). Senior GSL administration and middle-management embalmer Dr. Amar Pastel expressed their sadness and disappointment with the news of a nuclear bomb test conducted by North Korea. The company, whose CEO Elmo Buchanan is Korean, proclaimed this a “bleak day for the world, nation and company,” citing the disastrous effects of nuclear war on humanity and the GSL business model. Stock shares for GSL are expected to plummet with the news, but CEO Buchanan and President Curtis Nyugen attempted to reassure stockholders not to make any rash decisions.

Nyugen said, “Our research and development team, under the expert embalmer Amar Pastel, will be working day and night until we come up with a satisfactory and lucrative solution to the problem of embalming vaporized and radiated corpses. We hope to address our shareholders concerns about the embalming of nuclear bomb victims. Furthermore, we will work to provide an excellent funeral experience for survivors and the deceased alike. In fact, if nuclear war occurs, we can assume an enormous increase in business.”

Top GSL executives also announced the construction of a new fallout shelter for the company that will have a large sign that reads “No Pastels Allowed” and alluded to potential products such as nuclear bomb-resistant coffins, custom-fitted lead vests for corpses and life-sized ceramic Dr. Pastel mannequins for target practice.

Congratulations GSL Enterprises: 500 hits and counting!

Harrisburg PA (GSL). It is with pleasure that GSL Enterprises announces their online newswire service has just broken through 500 hits. GSP senior editor-elect Tom Bevacqua said, "It is our commitment to continue to provide the best quality news and updates for our parent company GSL Enterprises. We work hard. So you don't have to."

The continuing contest to determine the GSP website slogan will end next week. Current frontrunners include: "I'm lovin' it." (74%); "Have it your way." (12%); "Do what tastes right." (4%); "Hungry? Grab a Snickers." (2%); "Betcha can't eat just one." (2%); "All the news that's fit to eat." (2%); "You got the right one baby! Uh-huh!" (4%).

Voters may place their online ballots here.

GSL Enterprises to Undergo Sweeping Reform

Coconut Grove FL (GSL). GSL Enterprises, after a late night meeting with CEO Elmo Buchanan and President Curtis Ng, is set to undergo immediate changes to their business model and practices. Citing stagnation in research & development and marketing & sales in their primary fields of death care and herbal skin care/thirst quenching, the company heads decided to reinvent the company to reflect the dynamic opportunities abroad and at home in household commodities. Buchanan and Ng, in a press conference this morning, claimed the stagnation was due in part to Dr. Amar Pastel’s lackadaisical approach to business strategy, but also took complete ownership of a setback they called “intimidation by the corporate leeches, both real and imagined.”

In this monumental internal meeting, new loftier goals were set that reflect the ambitious minds at the top of GSL Enterprises. These goals include conquering markets and domains at an absolute level. Buchanan said, “We want to take GSL to new heights. We will except nothing less than excellence and complete influence.” Ng agreed stating, “We have no intention of keeping GSL Enterprises small market. We want to give our shareholders confidence that we are going to take GSL to the top.”

What precisely this means is uncertain and it appears Buchanan and Ng are keeping it secret. When asked what specifically GSL is going to embark on, Ng said, “We are planning on opening a chain of White Castle-style burger joints in Bangladesh.” Buchanan paused, looked at him and said laughingly, “Well, I don’t think we can actually do beef in India, Curtis. But something like that.”