Pastel Challenges No-Liquid Airplane Rule

LAX, Los Angeles (GSP). An expose aired on Weekends with Maury Povich and Connie Chung highlighted the new Liquid Ban on international carry-on flights. The chilling insights from the program stirred up the real inconveniences this causes to airplane travelers. One notable incident covered was that of Dr. Pastel, flying into Los Angeles from his annual 2-week vacation to the Taj Mahal in Chandaghar, India. When asked to remove and discared two large plastic bottles protruding from his blue Jansport backpack, Pastel became visibly irritated. He started chanting that no airline has the right to discard the wonderfully delightfully refreshingly taste of Red GSL Rasberry-Infuzed Zero Calorie Chamomile sport drink. When asked what the yellow liquid in the other bottle was, Pastel said "none of your business" and tried to escape LAX security. He was tackled and arrested on the charges of "transport of bodily fluids not of your own."

GSL Bank Serves New Market Segment

Lower Manhattan, NY (GSP). The Wall Street Journal today released news of the charter of the GSL Bank by the Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland, a school-based, full-service bank serving elementary-school-aged children throughout the nation. First branches will open up in Akron (Headquarters), New York, Boston, Philadelphia, and Cleveland, and will be insured by the FDIC. The brainchild of mastermind Dr. Pastel who venerates the one and only JP Morgan and JP Morgan Jr., the bank will offer checking, savings, deposit security, and loan services to children between the ages of 4 and 7. In addition, never to offer less than full-service, GSL Bank will offer free financial advising and planning from Dr. Pastel himself, following GSL Bank's time-true wealth management model called "Take Out a Loan, Buy Ice Cream." Savings will yield an APY of 3%, and consumer loans will charge 75% APR. On a limited basis, mortgages will be granted to elementary students with good credit for the financing of playpens . Debtors must pay interest, or parents could be held liable. The kickoff bash will be held at Founders Memorial Park in Akron, Ohio. Rumors are that Dr. Pastel will dress up as a clown.

Pastel School of Management

Mumbai, India (GSP). Dr. Pastel of GSL Enterprises fame has donated 300 million Rupees to fund and chair the new University of the Punjab, Pastel School of Management. This new institution will draw the finest students throughout the Punjabi region and prepare them for management of the world's largest emerging economy behind China. The school will teach from both Case-study based American and theoretical British Colonial business models. The current core curriculum will include Accounting 104: Accounting is my life (making student eligble for Junior CPA); Finance 107: Commericial Banking for Elementary Students; Investment Management 200: Blowing your companies money on the Chicago Bulls; and Management 300: how to get 1 billion lazy Indians to work because China is kicking your asses. The first class is scheduled for Fall 2007.

Pastel Recruits Gibbons for Chamomile Spokesman; Harrasses Wells

Toronto ON (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel, administrative assistant for GSL Chamomile marketing division, announced this morning that John Gibbons, current manager for the Toronto Blue Jays, will be the new spokesman for all GSL chamomile products. In what will likely be a boost for the GSL chamomile segment in Canada, Gibbons has been chartered to film several TV and media commercials as well as appear at several GSL marketing events.

The mercurial Gibbons and philanthropic Pastel met privately with GSL and Blue Jay representatives for several hours. Reportedly, Pastel told Gibbons he needs to "calm down out there" and "stop challenging your ballplayers to fights." Gibbons agreed, breaking down several times to acknowledge he is "getting old" and that he is simply not as tough as he would like to be. Pastel reassured him that GSL chamomile tea is all he needs to calm down and get his life in order and win some ball games.

GSL Enterprises sees this as a unique marketing opportunity where in-game marketing is a viable option to promote their product to an unlikely market - the older Canadian male who enjoys baseball. When a Jays pitcher is floundering on the mound, the skipper would take a few sips of tea, walk to the mound with a thermos and hand the pitcher a steaming cup, calming his nerves so that they can toss some heat and win some games.

There have been unconfirmed reports that GSL Enterprises is interested in trading Dr. Pastel for a package of J.P. Ricchardi, A.J. Burnett and the rights to change the name to The Toronto Pastels. However, the ball club has made no indication that they are interested in Pastel for anything and actually had to forcibly remove Pastel from the Rogers Center for sexually harassing slugger Vernon Wells.

Pastel pleased JonBenet case solved

Akron OH (GSP). Dr. Rama Pastel has announced today that he is pleased that John Mark Karr has confessed to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, a crime that has remained unsolved for over a decade. While Pastel has no vested interest in the case or connections with the victim or her family, he commented that it is “a good thing” that Karr was caught and remarked that JonBenet’s death was “tragic,” while reading news headlines in his side cubicle. Pastel has since been placed under a gag order by GSL Enterprises CEOs until he promises not to abuse the press release procedures generally reserved for GSL-oriented business updates. GSL employee robots are exempt.

Pastel committed to a "Green company"

MacNamera, VA (GSP). Dr. Pastel of famed success GSL Enterprises graced the cover of this month's Small Business in Florida magazine to highlight his committment to making GSL Enterprises a greener company. Following Wal-Marts recent environmental initiatives, Pastel met with GSL board members to discuss ways GSL Enterprises can clean up its act. In attendance was Al Gore championing Pastel's passionate committment. Pastel, a staunch vegatarian, is quoted as saying "if we end much of GSL's industrial and nuclear waste from entering the world's rivers, we can save 2 tons of coal a day and reduce 30 lbs of CO2 from the atmosphere every second. That means that plants can grow better and that I will have more to eat at the dining hall. I'm sick of sandwiches."

GSL Enterprises, Inc. Website Smashes Record for Hits

Akron OH (GSP). The GSL Enterprises official website just recently cracked 200 hits, vaulting it within the illustrious ranks as www.google.com, www.microsoft.com, www.god.com, www.freeporn.com, all who are among the most successful websites in 3 months of inception. GSL executives attribute the success to the commitment of GSP to providing exceptional, objective news; the popularity of GSL business ventures in the high risk funeral industry and volatile chamomile healthcare product market among shareholders; the key market place GSL holds as a Fortune 10 company; and, the most popular outspoken Indian embalmer on the planet, Dr. Amar Pastel.

In a brief non-scientific survey, 95% of readers went to the website updates on Pastel, and 94% read for the business news and to stay abreast of GSL happenings. Close to 98% read to increase their knowledge of finance and business terminology, while 97% read to gain a chuckle in their bleary, work-a-day lives. There is a survey uncertainty of 2 percentage points.

Pastel has responded, "If [wandering into a cinema drunk and naked, while getting tossed out by a high school girl or threatening to buy the media and confessing to sodomizing men and women, living or dead] is what it takes to let the public get a peek at my private life, so be it. I am so proud right now. Proud enough to f*** someone in the a**."

GSL Executives have released no comment about Pastel's recent outburst.

Pastel Considers Changing his Name

Akron OH (GSP). Dr. Pastel announced this morning that he is considering a name change while on a local radio station. Pastel said on the "DJ Snazzy Snap and Mighty Mouse Morning Show" by telephone, that he is considering changing his name to "Malcolm Akbar Mustafa", so as not to be "some fool named Grady." The producers for station 101 "The Hawg" have confirmed Pastel's statements. They told reporters from Reuters that for no reason at all Pastel said a couple of times "Dum-dum-didday."

Pastel released a statement that he just feels like "more of a Malcolm Akbar Mustafa", instead of a previous pseudonym "Shecky Shebazz" which he used during a brief stint as a stand-up comedian.

GSL bigwigs have denied that Pastel is going to change his name, since they own the rights to Pastel's name, physical appearance and thoughts. They said, "Pastel can say whatever he wants. But he is not changing his name. He is the perfect Amar."

Pastel has previously spoken about changing his name to "T-Bone," "Big Zeke," "Dimeji" and "Derek" but has never received recognition for any of these. Peers have once called him "Koko" in reference to the monkey that does sign language, and later "Gammy" (simply because maybe there should be a "Gammy") but both names lasted approximately two days, when Pastel began crying.

US, Canada Antitrust Regulators Agree to More Cooperation Due to GSL Improvements in Second Quarter

Aug. 7 (Bloomberg) -- Antitrust regulators in the US and Canada agreed to cooperate more in their reviews of merger proposals, as the two nations move toward creating a single economic market in an acute knee-jerk reaction to GSL Enterprises successes in this second quarter.
The regulators will cooperate on assessments of deals and may gather information on behalf of each other, the Napanee- based Commerce Commission said in a statement on its Web site today. Cooperation may include synchronizing the timing of merger reviews and sharing analysis and third-party information, it said. GSL Enterprises have jealously guarded their trade secrets which have led the Assistant to the Attorney-General in Fair Trade to suspect some underhanded antitrust activity with the wildly successful company.
The new protocol, effective today, will reduce compliance costs for companies and make competition law more effective, according to a joint statement from the commission and the Canadian Competition and Consumer Commission, e-mailed to Bloomberg News.
The regulators met in Akron, Ohio last month and agreed in principle to the new protocol.

Magazine Reveals Pastel kicked out of American Greetings

San Francisco, CA (GSP). Dog Fancy magazine, a premier canine publication for middle-aged 'stay at home moms,' published a shocking article this month about Dr. Pastel, famed deputy administration assistant for GSL Enterprises. The article states Pastel interned at American Greetings one summer while an undergraduate at the University of the Punjab. Although a talented greeting writer, especially with 'get well soon' limericks, the magazine alleges that Pastel was fired from his internship for crossing the lines of what a greeting can and can not do. Martha Gedleheim of American Greetings is quoted saying "That dirty Mexican Pastel came up with anti-American greetings, mis-using time-loved traditions such as Thanksgiving and blaming the pilgrims for genocide, something we all know the Indians did against our forefathers ." Curtis Nyugan was asked about his knowledge of Pastel's engagement. His response was "that's odd."

Pastel Rushed to Hospital: Critical Condition

New Waterford (GSP). Dr. Rama Pastel was rushed to the hospital this morning after a GSL board meeting. The business meeting which lasted over 5 hours, discussed the anti-trust laws and symmetrical positive action surrounding GSL, and was apparently too much for Pastel to bear. Pastel brought cookies, blondies and refreshments as he usually does to business meetings, yet still became so bored that he tried to swallow his own tongue. He succeeded, but began choking. GSL CEO Elmo Buchanan poked Pastel in the eye with his business card as a joke but upon realizing the serious nature of the injury, he rushed Pastel out on a food cart and directly to Mt. Sinai Hospital. Pastel's condition is critical and his prognosis is unknown.