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Pastel caught looking at pictures on the internet. Asked to stop by management.

Akron, OH (GSP). Dr. Pastel was called into management of GSL Enterprises today for an emergency meeting regarding his internet useage while at his desk in the corporate headquarters. He was called there due to complains from his robot coworkers.

Robot X stated"I would be walking by and look at him clicking away in his cubicle. A quick glance over his shoulder revealed what all the clicking was about. We are professionals, it was inappropriate, and I was offended."

Allegedly, Dr. Pastel was looking at google images of Chris Cornell, of Soundgarden and Audioslave fame, that day and for the previous few months Many of the pictures were reported to be half-naked.

"I was doing research for a little old man that wanted a post-death makeover to look like the rockstar. He even put in his will that 'if I could look like any man, I would look like Chris Cornell,'" said Pastel to GSL Management during investigation. Corporate counsel Dimejios-Ogun would not comment on the language in the will, but did release the statement that "there was no mention of Chris Cornell in the will."

GSL Management has asked Pastel to stop looking at pictures of Chris Cornell on company machines and during company hours.

Pastel commits risky faux-pas; outrage in local Russian community

Anne Arundel MD (GSP). This past weekend saw the local Russian community host its annual three-day Russian Festival, a much anticipated and a beloved event for the city. On-site at the local Orthodox parish, the festivities included traditional Russian dancing, gourmet delicacies and special teas and sweets, including pastries, pies, cakes and blondies, all for a low admission price of $2. It has grown in renown and prestige since it started in 1989, and local Russian Sergei Andreyevich, 6, said, “I waited all year to show the world the beauty of our culture. I will be dancing on the last day to show everyone the wondrous exoticism of the glorious Russian people.”

While the first two days went extraordinarily well, with several hundred visitors enjoying the festival, the fun took an ugly turn on the last day, with the arrival of Dr. Amar Pastel, famed embalmer for GSL Enterprises, from Akron Ohio. Pastel paid his admission fee and walked through the gates, into the tent, garbed in a big red Soviet hockey jersey, sporting the Communist party logo.

The music and dancing stopped, people stared, Pastel was oblivious and little Sergei began to cry. The festival was ostensibly ruined. The audacity and complete insensitivity of Pastel wearing such an item amongst the Russian Orthodox faithful filled the entire atmosphere with utter distaste. The Soviet communist government persecuted the Orthodox Church unmercifully for 60 years, systematically killing thousands of bishops, tens of thousands of priests and millions of faithful simply to eradicate religion, an essential tenet of Communism.

Interviews with the Russians were more telling than this reporter can describe.

Pavel Brushchenyov: Seeing that jersey made my blood boil. The “CCCP” represents the evil that befell my many ancestors who perished just for being Christian. My great-grandfather was killed in a gulag because he was a priest. Is that what this Indian clown is supporting by wearing such a thing? How horrid.

Tatyana Piorchevsky: He ruined the entire festival! Didn’t he know it was hosted by the Russian parish? Did he think we would embrace him for wearing evil letters that only remind us of the darkest time for the Russian people? He should read a *expletive* history book before he puts on such an awful shirt. He is a very, very bad man.

A local historian commented on the travesty saying, “this is basically the equivalent of the local synagogue hosting a German Jewish cultural festival and showing up with a swastika on your shirt. It is entirely inappropriate.

“However, not to exonerate him, but to perhaps explain his actions, Pastel probably just didn’t know what he was doing. It is amazing how many people are unfamiliar with the Soviet war crimes that killed more people in the 20^th Century than anything else.

“He likely thought that since modern-day Russia was borne out of the Soviet Union, that Russians would automatically embrace the Soviet Union. Such an interpretation would be categorically false and entirely wrong. All he would need to do is read a book and understand that. It only made matters worse that these were Russian Orthodox Christians.

He concluded thoughtfully, “there really is no excuse.”

Little Sergei at the moment when Pastel walked in with his most offensive shirt.

Pastel’s Unplanned Poetry Garners Snickers, Guffaws

Birdston, MS (GSP). After the most recent photo shoot for the latest McDonald’s campaign, a poem was found written by Dr. Amar Pastel, McDonald’s newest spokesperson and GSL Enterprises embalmer. Written on a napkin and peppered with spelling mistakes and unconventional grammar, Pastel seems to have released the emotions of his heart through the ink, onto cheap napkin tissue.

The poem, scrawled in hot pink ink, reads:

Rcently I have found many changes occuring within and without me. I feel like a totaly differant creature. I think i'm coming into my own and turning int the butterfly finally....NO MORE UGLY [sic].

Whether he is being serious or just looking for attention is unclear. However, child psychologist Dr. Franklin Heil said, “This is an ostensible cry for help, a wounded young man reaching out to the community around him. The squeal of the prepubescent mind is shrill to the uninitiated ears. I’m concerned, but glad. I feel flabbergasted, but not discombobulated. Annoyed, but tolerant. Anytime an expression from the depths of one’s soul is released into the world, like a kamikaze attack, something special happens. He’s a pretty [expletive] up guy. I would recommend he stick to pushing fried cheese.”

The napkin is being held by police to compare its handwriting with perverted notes written to annoyed women in the area. If a forensic handwriting scientist can show the styles are related, Pastel could be charged with peeping-tomism and lewd perverted behavior.

Pastel has declined to comment on whether he actually wrote this and if he truly believes he is coming into his own and turning into the butterfly finally.

GSL Enterprises has reportedly been strategizing ways to cut ties with Pastel permanently, or at least get him to stop being a weirdo pervert.

McDonald’s has denied that this is a new marketing scam and has expressed regret over hiring Pastel. The advertising campaign is slated for national exposure late next week.

Attention: Pervert On the Loose!

Akron, OH (GSP). Community watch officials met today to discuss the growing problem of perversion in the city's neighborhoods. Numerous white women have been reporting occasions of peeping toms invading their privacy by watching them without their permission.

"I go out to walk my dog and this creepy brown guy watches me. Sometimes he follows me, but he never speaks to me or asks me out on a date," says Mary (name has been changed for security purposes), a University of Akron qualitative sciences student.

Mary recently met with a police sketch artist to compose a picture of the suspected peeping tom. Together, they were able to piece together a picture of the perpretrating pervert (above). Mary later compared this sketch to police files of known perverts in the area. "That's the one," she said when faced with a picture of Dr. Amar Pastel, a local businessman, brown guy, and big fricking pervert.

Police are looking for Dr. Amar Pastel who disappeared last Wednesday after a domestic dispute with his girlfriend J. Krakow. He has been seen frequenting japanese bowling alleys. Police ask citizens to please call 1-800-PASTEL-PERVERT if they have any information regarding his whereabouts or wherewithalls.

Pastel, best friend Howie Mandel, jive the Chinese, arrested for racism and muffin pants incident

Friendship, AL (GSP) Dr. Amar Pastel, beleaguered embalmer for GSL Enterprises, was caught last night on a bender with long-time friend Howie Mandel engaging in inappropriate and racist behavior at the local Japanese bowling alley. In the wee hours of the night, Pastel and Mandel were seen extremely drunk and snapping pictures of each other with fake hats and eye makeup. They were creating a disruption after yelling in exaggerated Asian accents and stuffing each other’s pants with muffins. Many patrons were rather offended by the “ching-chonging” throughout.

This is not the first time the Pastel-Mandel duo has been charged with disorderly conduct. In 2003, both were cited for public urination; in 2004, they were charged with public defecation and the last incident involved public masturbation in a mall’s Hot Topic store.

Pastel and Mandel were carted off by police and will likely face prison time and perversion rehabilitation at the Gibson-Richards Center for Racism and Perversion Therapy, in New York.

Whether this will be the wake up call finally heeded by Pastel remains to be seen. Publicity spokespeople for GSL Enterprises and Pastel did not immediately return calls to the GSP.

Fried Cheese a Hard Line for Pastel to Swallow, Stomach

Flemington, NE (GSP). This may be a hard line to swallow, but Pastel can't even stomach his own merchandise. In a photo shoot today, new McDonald's spokesman, enraged embalmer Dr. Amar Pastel, was seen vomiting up the very same fried cheese he peddles for fast food behemoth McDonald's.

Located at the Palisades Mall food court, Ronald McDonald was on hand to laugh and point at the cheese eater, taunting him by saying, "What's the matter Habibi, too much fried cheese today?" "Habibi" means sweetheart in Arabic.

Pastel claims that a fried hunk of cheese curds somehow got stuck in his throat, although on-site nutritionist Claire Jonjak claimed it wouldn't have been possible given how greasy the cheese is. "It should just slide down his throat. It is hot and wet with oil. In my professional opinion, this man has just eaten too much fried cheese over his lifetime. No question, a boiled potato and a multivitamin would do that body good."

Snapshots of the incident have now found their way to the internet and police are worried there may be copycat behaviors in school. Pastel is reportedly fine and is washing down the rest of the fried cheese with ice cold Diet Pepsi. The photo shoot continues tomorrow.

Move over Ronald McDonald, Pastel the new face of McDonald's

Dr. Amar Pastel, enflamed embalmer for GSL Enterprises, has found a new part-time job moonlighting as a model for fast food chains. Utterly dejected after being thrown to the streets by his long-time girlfriend J. Krackow, when found canoodling with avant-garde artist Bjork, Pastel has found ways to waste his time as he promotes fast food products. Pastel was first found rummaging in the dumpster of a McDonald’s off exit 45 on the NJ Turnpike, allegedly looking for “dipping sauce” (which he yelled repeatedly) and with a strong odor of fried cheese on his breath. McDonald’s employees in the area took him under their wing and found his passion for fast food and fried products to be unsurpassed, and immediately called McDonald’s head office to set up a time for him to become the new model and face for McDonald’s.

Pastel has apparently been trying to change the current McDonald’s from “I’m Lovin’ It” to “Try some extra dipping sauce” or “Fried Cheese!” without any success. Pastel has replaced Ronald McDonald as the company seeks to attract a more adult and intelligent demographic. Whether this will be a short-lived experiment or a long-term commitment remains to be seen. What is sure though, is that Dr. Amar Pastel’s face will be on several McDonald’s commercials across the nation and around the world. GSL Enterprises declined to comment on the employment status of Pastel as he is garnering immense national media attention since the very public adulterous affair and living several days homeless. The commercials are set to air next week.

Nutrition Consultant's Preliminary Results

Akron, OH (GSP). Marina Di-Cuento, registered dietician and corporate nutrition consultant, met with executives at GSL Enterprises to discuss dietary habits. Below are preliminary results of her findings, to which she provided dietary recommendations. Identities have been redacted.

Mid-afternoon Rendevous Leads Pastel to Consequences

Akron, OH (GSP). A mid-afternoon hookup leads Pastel to the homeless shelter today. Girlfriend J. Crackow had long suspected the seeds of a cheater in famed embalmber Dr. Amar Pastel, but never did she suspect her live-in boyfriend would hurt her so swiftly and so badly. She first became suspicious upon seeing Pastel covorting with Icelantic musician Bjork last Wednesday (see right), but she held her jealousy in check and trusted him when he said "we're just meeting to go over our anestethiology notes."


"He accidently left his email open. I was closing it when I glanced at an email from her with subject line saying 'I want you.' I quickly opened it, read the details in heartbreak, and hurried to the location of their meeting."

The pervert Pastel strolled into the Sandman Inn with signature Jansport backpack loaded with dildos, scented lubricants, and various devices intended to inflict hedonistic punishment. His little viking princess laid in wait. Obviously, this time the BJ's were going to be free.

"I looked through the window, and it was all over (see right). True to Pastel's usual performance, it probably lasted two seconds, before he could even get off his boxers. He was already trying to turn on the TV and was playing with his water bottle. He never likes to cuddle after, the bastard. I just started crying uncontrollable," recounts J. Crakow.

Ms. Crackow promptly kicked Pastel out of the house. His whereabouts are currently unknown, although one Akron resident took a picture of him in a park with all his belongings (Jansport bag and TV), drinking cheap beer, this time not mixed with gin as during the happy times (see below).



To all readers: Please call 1-800-PASTEL-PERVERT if you have any information on his location or destination.