Independent Research Study Shows that Dr. Pastel Prefers High School and Medical School Friends to College Friends

Boston MA (GSP). According to a landmark study conducted by Dr. Frank Walmer and the MIT Statistics and Econometrics department, Dr. Amar Pastel, famous GSL embalmer, greatly prefers his high school and medical school friends to his college friends.

In a pivotal research paper to be published in April, combining sociological, anthropological and psychological scientific techniques, Pastel’s social interactions and behaviors have been quantified and the results have been surprising, to everyone except his college friends. The researchers used conversational positive regard, participation in group activities, retrospective accounts and questionnaires with friends as a measure of Pastel’s interactions and preferences.

The results were surprising, since the authors hypothesized that Pastel would be more amenable to his college friends as they scored highly on “true friendship” scales and held Pastel in high regard. At the very least, the authors expected to see no difference in preference since most people value all of their friends and understand they contribute differently, but equally, to the relationship.

Not so with Pastel. Amar Pastel rated his college friends as significantly worse than his high school and medical school friends, and this was reflected in the behavioral scores recorded by experimenters. The puzzling finding is that, objectively, Pastel had a superior and more fun time with his college friends, yet he rated them as worse than his medical school friends and much worse than his high school friends. Walmer said, “We think Pastel suffers from a sort of selective recollection bias. By all empirical measures, he had a great time with his college friends (in terms of going out more, inclusion, affection, etc.), yet he truly believes that his high school and medical friends are better and that he had more fun with them. While possibly a bald-faced lie, we concluded that this is the reality Pastel has constructed for himself; a false reality, but a reality to Pastel nonetheless.”

Walmer also discussed limitations with the study. “One possible flaw in our design is that he is still forming and developing friendships in medical school, so an end-point evaluator is not possible for those relationships. However, our assumption is that as he continues to have sub-par medical school friendships his opinion and memories of his college friends will fall at the same time as magnifying his fake high school friendships which he holds in such high regard.” Walmer also pointed out that his college friends were probably understating their friendship interactions with Pastel, which makes the conclusions all the more robust.

“Sadly, Pastel doesn’t know what he is missing and what he had with his college friends. When someone has good friends, it is important to maintain those relationships, instead of deliberately destroying it by failing to show an interest in their lives, through apathy, laziness, studying or just plain malicious ignoring.” Walmer added, “it is just sad.”

The study will be published in the April issue of “Journal of Applied Psychology of Friendship.” Dr. Pastel was unavailable for comment at his Ohio residence.

Pastel Hospitalized After Serious Laundry Accident

Rancho Palos Verdes CA (GSP). In the local Hospice Care Center, Dr. Amar Pastel, famed GSL embalmist, is quietly recovering from a dangerous clothing-related accident that has left his left knee destroyed and capacity to walk hampered.

According to residents of the apartment building Pastel resides in, he was carrying a load of his dirty underpants from his studio apartment to the basement laundry facility when the accident occurred. While only one attractive Asian woman named Chan happened to see him fall, several speculation accounts have emerged on blogs and mass media around the world, merely hours after Pastel’s tumble.

Experts believe Pastel injured himself while carrying a heavy load not commensurate to his strength. According to kinesiology expert Matthew Goldfinger, "Because of Pastel’s penchant for watching television and eating cheese and mustard sandwiches made with white bread, his body was in a state of severe atrophy caused by extended periods of inactivity." Trying to lift a basket of dirty underpants was just too much.” Goldfinger made his remarks after demonstrating the fall using Lego blocks and a hamster representing Amar in a press conference sponsored by GSL Enterprises.

Goldfinger cautioned and advised all men to not do their own laundry, and rather let their girlfriends or wives do it. If you don’t have a girlfriend, at least get in the gym and workout so an embarrassing laundry-related injury does not occur.

Pastel is expected to recover by means of a rehabilitation program which places him at the foot of a staircase with friends standing at the next level, taunting him like a dog to "make it to the top, boy!"

Pastel’s Recipe Sees Terrible Reviews, Sour Faces

Akron OH (GSP). A recent Eater’s Digest article indicated that Dr. Pastel’s latest vegetarian cheese and mustard sandwich has received terrible reviews among moms and their kids.

A particularly nasty letter from a Boston mother said that she downloaded the time-saving recipe to make for her kids for dinner, since she didn’t have much time between driving them to flute lessons, tae kwon-do classes and soccer practice. However, the kids hated Pastel’s recipe, finding it distasteful, un-nutritious, and just plain “gross.”

Mom said that she followed the recipe exactly as outlined from the GSP website and that the sandwich still fell short of par. “I’ve never seen so much pouting, crying and vomiting. This was, single handedly, the worst recipe I’ve ever used. Pastel should go shake his head, get some tastebuds, a new stomach and have his medical license revoked. I’d rather feed my little girl (pictured above) cat food than anything Pastel recommends.”

Although her kids were of mixed heritage (Asian and white), their race apparently had nothing to do with their averse reaction to Pastel’s food. Hapa expert Jared Eng said, “If anything they should be really keen on the sandwich – after all, it is just yellow and white. In reality though, it is just a really shitty sandwich.”

Pastel and GSL Enterprises who co-wrote and posted the recipe are consulting to lawyers to avoid a drawn-out lawsuit and legal battle with disgruntled mothers and sick hapa girls.

Classic Vegetarian Meals: Anytime Recipes with Amar Pastel

A classic vegatarian recipe made with ingredients always sure to be in the door of your refrigerator. Kraft singles are the benchmark for chefs younger than 6. It's high-fat, low-nutrition, made at the drop of a hat! All ingredients are sure to survive a nuclear attack! No knowledge of how to use the stove necessary!

Make this recipe:
2 slices Wonderbread
2 Teaspoons French's Yellow Mustard
1 Slice Kraft Single Cheese (American or Cheddar)

Garnishes
2 Teaspoons Hellman's Miracle Whip

Lay bread on plate. Spread mustard on bread. Put Kraft Single on bread. Put two pieces of bread together with mustard and cheese in the middle. Serve with plain potato chips.

GSL Webmaster: Thank you for comments! Keep them up, Snowboardchik57!!

Akron OH (GSP). The GSL Webmaster has been flattered by a recent comment poster (snowboardchik57) who expressed their appreciation for the website and continual GSL news support.

We would like to sincerely thank you, and encourage you to continue to post and let us know what you think, and if you actually read this website. Your satisfaction is our number one priority.

Feel free to reach Dr. Amar Patel if you would like to receive a personal response at

Thank you again for your kind words and we really truly hope to hear from you again soon.

Sincerely,
GSL Webmaster

Dr. Pastel sells name, face to Carmen Sandiego franchise

Sillicon Valley CA. (GSP). Dr. Pastel and Electronic Arts Entertainment, a computer game company, have recently announced a partnership that will see Dr. Pastel's name and face on educational software entitled, "Where in the World is Amar Pastel?"

A throwback to the popular 1990s children's video game "Carmen Sandiego", the updated version will include Amar digitally remastered, authentic voiceovers and his very own a cappella theme song sung by "Rock-a-pella."

According to EA Entertainment, Pastel sold the rights to his face, body and voice for a lump sum of $2,000 plus cheese sandwiches. No rights or royalties will be paid if the game becomes a smash hit, which is an enormous mistake in contractual agreements on Pastel's part, according to experts in bodily and physical trait copyrights.

The video game is expected to be due out in early 2008, and will not be suitable for children ages 6+. The expected retail cost will be $19.95 plus customized console ($249.95 MSRP).

Pastel Performs Genital & Rectal Exams Under the Influence of Hallucinogenic Antihistamines, Happiness

East Harlem, NY (GSP). According to internal GSL documents and police reports, Dr. Amar Pastel recently performed genital & rectal exams under the influence of hallucinogenic antihistamines. The shocking news came after Pastel participated in a "refresher" course on how to correctly poke, push, prod, and ultimately manipulate said body parts. Allegedly, he got a finger stuck somewhere. Authorities have been notified and Pastel is expected to make a statement through his publicist sometime this afternoon.

Investigative Report: Dr. Pastel May be Real Superhero New York Has Been Waiting For

New York NY (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel of the Upper East Side, may be the anonymous Good Samaritan that has puzzled New Yorkers for days now, says an astonishing investigative report. The report, which rocked New York this morning, has earned Pastel strong convictions that he is the real superhero New York has been waiting for.

Step aside Spiderman, Green Goblin and Ghost Rider - there is a new hero in town, and he's brown - the lovable, squeezable GSL embalmer and mortuary expert, Dr. Amar Pastel. Trading in his lab coat for sweatpants and his glasses for prescription squash goggles, Pastel has been linked to several impressive good deeds that have occurred throughout the city in recent weeks. Consider the evidence:

January 12, 2007 - brown man foils a purse snatching from an elderly woman.
January 27, 2007 - man with short dark hair returns quarter dropped by elderly gentleman.
February 2, 2007 - sweaty man seen delivering baby in steamy alleyway.
February 4, 2007 - man in checkered shirt and backwards hat refuses to participate in a spirited game of "spin-the-bottle."

Several friends of Pastel have made comments that there is no way these incidents are connected with their mild-mannered embalmer. Pastel's college roommate commented, "He would never leave his room! That is, unless his high school and medical school friends are in town. I just can't see Amar summoning the energy to go out to help people in need."

Others who know Pastel have disagreed. One said, "He must be out helping people in secret. I have no idea how he spends his time. He always says he is watching TV, but there is no way anyone can watch that much TV. He must be a superhero."

One thing is for certain: New York has been waiting for a man like Dr. Amar Pastel for a long time. Dr. Amar Pastel, superhero.

Pastel Eats 4lb. "Gordo" Burger, Rewarded with Comped Bill

Rochester NY (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel, famous embalmer for GSL Funeral Services division, has received another decoration in an impressive list of accolades. After consuming a 4 pound "Gordo" or "Fatso" burger, in one sitting, from Donnie's Burgers (Rochester, NY), he did not have to pay the bill. Pastel washed it down with a refreshing root beer and topped it off with warm cherry pie a la mode.

After chewing his way in the record books, Pastel said he never doubted he could do it. "I believed in myself, when no one else did. You can kick me when I am down, but I will get up and prove you wrong," he said. Critics believe Pastel was referring to earlier that day when he tripped on a storm drain and a reporter kicked him in his rear saying he is "washed up."

Donnie's Burgers have offered picking up the check for anyone who could consume their "Gordo" burger, in what's called the "Donnie's Gordo Burger Put-Up-or-Shut-Up Challenge." Usually, families of four eat the meal for a weekend treat, but the challenge is popular - 42 individuals have succeeded, while over 100 have failed since the challenge was offered in 1994. Pastel has been known to participate in many fast food restaurants on their sandwich challenges and has not failed yet.

The "Gordo" burger is a signature sandwich filled with the "works," including lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, cheese, special sauce, ketchup, mustard and relish on a sesame seed bun, and costs $11.95. Pastel is the 2006 Champion of the New England Chowder Challenge and plans to compete in the Pittsburgh Pierogi Eat-Off.

Attn: GSL Public Service Announcement

Attention people of the United States & The World. Football players are disproportionately taking all of our women. What chance does the world have of genetic variety and natural selection if football players take all of our women and reduce the gene pool to a narrow range of perfect genes, rendering the world tall, good-looking, and strong? Women can't help but flirt with these perfect athletic specimens. And they WILL ALWAYS cheat on you with them and/or be inseminated. Watch your lady, before it's too late.

Same goes for Amar dancing. Shaking his hips and displaying dazzling footwork.

GSL Exclusive Post: Rosie O'Donnell Racist, Pastel Disapproves

New York NY (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel, of Mt. Sinai School of Applied Embalming fame, has spoken out against self-proclaimed racist Rosie O'Donnell and her racially charged tirade against Chinese people. Dr. Pastel has said, "I have lots of Chinese friends and they don't ching chong around me. Not at all. On the contrary, they speak English and enjoy All-American sports like ping pong and badminton. If I ever meet Rosie I will piss in her wonton soup."

GSL Enterprises, Pastel's chief employer, has condemned the insensitive and racist remarks. GSP provides exclusive YouTube coverage.

Attn: I have something to say.

Everywhere, USA (GSP). Please note, this picture is racist.


GSL Enterprises does not and will not condone this picture.

GSL Enterprises Rides the Pastel Train… to Pharmaceutical Name Glory

Sodom, Galilee (GSP). GSL Enterprises has announced an exciting new business venture of naming pharmaceutical and consumer healthcare products. Revealing that new and revised names of existing products are the brainchild of GSL, CEO Elmo Buchanan also said that they will be selling names to pharmaceutical companies for new products. The twist? They bank on the name recognition of famed GSL Custodial Expert, Dr. Amar Pastel.

Recently, Proctor and Gamble’s popular Metamucil, fiber substitute/laxative will now be named Metamarcil, which the company believes will reach a new market segment and improve sales given the obvious tribute to Dr. Pastel. Pastel, a strong proponent of regularity, has endorsed Metamarcil, saying that this is a product he is proud to offer his name to.

Other names slated for unveiling are: Amarpolectic-C, a new brand of emetic used to induce vomiting; Amaralax, an extremely potent and violent laxative suitable for pranks and enemies; Amarpacet, an MAO-inhibitor antidepressant; Amarlegra, a sleeping aid; Patellorex, a genital wart removal cream; Amariltal, an anal wart removal ointment; Amarfrin, an agent to reduce the likelihood of organ rejection; and Amaricillin, the latest in a brand of new antibiotics, specifically to treat bacterial STDs.

GSL presented the new names as symbolic of “ushering in a new age of drug nomenclature and names, the Age of Pastel.” GSL spokesman Tyler Przybolezck said, “To tie Amar Patel’s name to new and effective drugs will not only revolutionize healthcare and marketing, but will revolutionize life as we know it. Everyone has got a little Pastel in them. If that makes them poo and be healthier, then all the more glory to Pastel!”

Pastel discovers missing-link molecule; Nominated for Nobel Prize

King of Prussia, PA (GSP). The missing link has been found. No, not the gorilla-human Darwin-has-been-wrong-for-200 years missing link, but the direct chemical agent causing Oriental Moth Ball Smell. This amazing discovery last week has shook the anatomical world. Dr. Amer Pastel, noted surgical nurse, while providing suction on a AshleeSimpson-Rhinoplasty for a middle-aged Asian American woman accidentally discovered Acetyl-Tylenolic-Riboneuclaic Acid. He was performing the complicated, multi-step suction process when he noticed a smell akin to mothballs somewhere in the operating room. He sniffed around, until he traced the smell to his patient’s head. Momentarily distracted by her bad breath, he steadfastly continued his way to the source of the most-obnoxious smell, the hair roots. With clear insight akin to Newton’s discovery of gravity, Dr. Pastel dipped some hair samples into PhenylPastelaHaldolic-Amarpolectic HCL, and was rewarded with the discovery of single-entity Acetyl-Tylenolic-Riboneuclaic Acid salts, emitting a smell just like moth balls. As most science is serendipitous anyway and based on mere anecdotal evidence (why does NIH waste so much money on useless research) the scientific community received the news of the discovery of Asian mothball smell with mass excitement and very little skepticism.

Evolutionary biologists have taken the most interest and are excited by the breakthrough research that now can take place (grant-writers grab your pens). Acetyl-Tylenolic-Riboneuclaic Acid has only been found in various species of very stinky fish. Biologists hypothesize that feet-smelling, finny pescados may transmit the ATR Acid into the blood of those eating it and it may crystalize in the hair follicles. The mechanisms of transmission and metabolization are still a mystery but may lead to fascinating insights on Asian fish addiction. Environmental issues owing to the lack of fish in the sea could then be directly addressed. Also, this research may provide insights on Indian spicy curry smell and Caucasian BO.

The Nobel Society in Sweden is in disagreement on whether to give the Nobel Prize of Chemistry or the Prize of Economics to Pastel, but it is agreed he should get something. On one hand, this is an amazing discovery that greatly revived the science of chemistry that has been flagging lately because no one STILL has found Dark Matter. But on the other hand, this will pave the way to industrial production of many moth-ball-smell-reducing hair products that may jumpstart some third-world economies such as Bangladesh and Laos.

Despite the general praise of Pastel’s brilliance, some skepticism was, however, received in the the jealous epidemiologic community. The George Washington University Exercise-Science Epidemiologist Theodoric Nyguen says that this molecule cannot possibly the cause of universal mothball smell in Orientals. Building a population regression estimation model based on representative hair samples from different areas of China, Korea, Japan, the Phillipines, Malaysia, and other Southeastern Asian countries, he was unable to show that Acetyl-Tylenolic-Riboneuclaic Acid is present in all Asian hair. All he was able to conclude was that, in fact, all the hair is black (p < .01 e 10, SD = 0).

GSL Reveals Chamomile Ice Cubes, Pastel-Focused Market Strategy

Akron OH (GSP). Dr. Pastel hosted a news conference this morning declaring the expansion of GSL Enterprises highly successful chamomile division to new products. The product released today was chamomile-flavored ice cubes, to add some kick to hot summer drinks, or cold winter mugs of tea. Pastel claimed the ice cubes surpassed all expectations in focus groups and targeted market segments.

Touted as the first "flavor-injected" ice cubes, Pastel remarked how the "taste is locked in with sub-zero freezing, sealing in the flavor and natural juices." The cubes will be called "CHAM-COLD-CUBES Beta", or "C-cubed-B".

Marketing strategies include billboards of Pastel rubbing the chamomile-flavored ice cubes on his nipples in an ostensible display of S&M kinky sex with another man, with the slogan, "Got Some?"

Skeletons in the Closet: Hijra Sudha Rajakumari speaks out about the truth of Dr. Pastel

New Delhi, India (GSP). An article today from Bollywood Weekly, a monthly Indian entertainment report (est. circulation 250 million sub-continent wide), interviewed transgender eunuch Sudha Rajakumari, who has alledgly been world-renowned embalmment science lab technician Dr. Amar Pastel’s mistress for several years. Recently diagnosed with HIV, he/she has chosen to speak out publicly about the affair, to force Pastel to recognize a common law marriage between him and him/her in order to seek aid for his/her condition.

Sudha lives on the fringe of society in the southern Tamil Nadu state. He/she was castrated 10 years-ago to become a eunuch: “I always felt like a man-woman in a man’s body.” With lavish makeup and a flowing wig, he/she is forced to work as a prostitute because “respectable” paths are not open to him/her, a result of Indian society’s century’s-old misunderstanding of the hijras, or aravannis, as they like to be called. Sudha daily walks through the streets, clapping to gain the attention of potential customers.

According to Sudha, Pastel frequents the southern Tamil Nadu state once a month on business trips to visit him/her. He always brings him/her American gifts such as Coca-Cola and mini-Statue of Liberty replicas, which he/she proudly displayed on a dusty shelf to Bollywood Weekly. He/she says that Pastel has told him/her that he loves him/her many times, and that they are in love.

Sudha was recently diagnosed with HIV by a Red Cross community health mission. Heartbroken, he/she has repeatedly and desperately attempted to contact Dr. Pastel to ask for help. Pastel has not responded, forcing Sudha to claim his/her last dying option: a leftover-from-the-days-of-the-British-style-common-law marriage between the two by the Indian government to seek the aid he/she needs.

Pastel’s counsel, Dimejios-OgunAshley, released a statement saying that although the affair has happened, because Sudha cannot be legally classified as a woman (or a man for that matter), the Indian state does not recognize the marriage which is only to be between a man and a woman. Poor Sudha, with no other options, has decided to see it through and appeal if necessary, even though plaintiffs rarely get far in the corrupt Indian appellate courts. His/her court date is set for 15 February 2007.