Pastel discovers missing-link molecule; Nominated for Nobel Prize

King of Prussia, PA (GSP). The missing link has been found. No, not the gorilla-human Darwin-has-been-wrong-for-200 years missing link, but the direct chemical agent causing Oriental Moth Ball Smell. This amazing discovery last week has shook the anatomical world. Dr. Amer Pastel, noted surgical nurse, while providing suction on a AshleeSimpson-Rhinoplasty for a middle-aged Asian American woman accidentally discovered Acetyl-Tylenolic-Riboneuclaic Acid. He was performing the complicated, multi-step suction process when he noticed a smell akin to mothballs somewhere in the operating room. He sniffed around, until he traced the smell to his patient’s head. Momentarily distracted by her bad breath, he steadfastly continued his way to the source of the most-obnoxious smell, the hair roots. With clear insight akin to Newton’s discovery of gravity, Dr. Pastel dipped some hair samples into PhenylPastelaHaldolic-Amarpolectic HCL, and was rewarded with the discovery of single-entity Acetyl-Tylenolic-Riboneuclaic Acid salts, emitting a smell just like moth balls. As most science is serendipitous anyway and based on mere anecdotal evidence (why does NIH waste so much money on useless research) the scientific community received the news of the discovery of Asian mothball smell with mass excitement and very little skepticism.

Evolutionary biologists have taken the most interest and are excited by the breakthrough research that now can take place (grant-writers grab your pens). Acetyl-Tylenolic-Riboneuclaic Acid has only been found in various species of very stinky fish. Biologists hypothesize that feet-smelling, finny pescados may transmit the ATR Acid into the blood of those eating it and it may crystalize in the hair follicles. The mechanisms of transmission and metabolization are still a mystery but may lead to fascinating insights on Asian fish addiction. Environmental issues owing to the lack of fish in the sea could then be directly addressed. Also, this research may provide insights on Indian spicy curry smell and Caucasian BO.

The Nobel Society in Sweden is in disagreement on whether to give the Nobel Prize of Chemistry or the Prize of Economics to Pastel, but it is agreed he should get something. On one hand, this is an amazing discovery that greatly revived the science of chemistry that has been flagging lately because no one STILL has found Dark Matter. But on the other hand, this will pave the way to industrial production of many moth-ball-smell-reducing hair products that may jumpstart some third-world economies such as Bangladesh and Laos.

Despite the general praise of Pastel’s brilliance, some skepticism was, however, received in the the jealous epidemiologic community. The George Washington University Exercise-Science Epidemiologist Theodoric Nyguen says that this molecule cannot possibly the cause of universal mothball smell in Orientals. Building a population regression estimation model based on representative hair samples from different areas of China, Korea, Japan, the Phillipines, Malaysia, and other Southeastern Asian countries, he was unable to show that Acetyl-Tylenolic-Riboneuclaic Acid is present in all Asian hair. All he was able to conclude was that, in fact, all the hair is black (p < .01 e 10, SD = 0).