GSL Enterprises applies for federal bailout, efforts to deport Pastel

Washington DC (GSP). GSL Enterprises announced Monday that it will be asking for federal funds to help buoy the company's financial woes. Asking for a bailout is an unprecedented, but not entirely unexpected move by GSL, which was built on free market principles. A previously staunch fiscal conservative, CFO Russel Dalrymple, stated that such a move was necessary to allow him to keep his job managing the business practices of GSL. He acknowledged several business mistakes including bad investment decisions, shoddy products and innovations that were simply not grounded in reality. Dalrymple passed the proverbial buck on to Dr. Amar Pastel, saying, "If Pastel had focused on his job as embalmer-in-chief and remained in his isolated TV room where all the boxes are, then none of this would've happened." Dalrymple claims Pastel insisted on investing heavily in sub-prime mortgages as a "way to ensure the future and stability of our company." Furthermore, Pastel made illegal business decisions to outsource the entire "Baby GSL Chamomile Formula and Diaper Rash Cream" product line to China, where every item became contaminated with lethal amounts of lead. GSL agreed to a multimillion dollar settlement for families of 152 dead babies. In official statements, GSL pinned all the blame on Pastel and his "perverted" tendencies.

Dalrymple defended his decision to ask for federal bailout money: "Firstly, we do not consider this a bailout, but rather a loan. We intend on paying back every cent to the government. GSL continues to provide the best possible chamomile and death services to the American public. We just need an opportunity to prove it, which is what this bailout is all about. We would like some tax money so sexy housewives can continue to grease themselves up with our patented GSL chamomile lotion, and that the hard working American family can bid their grandfather a fond farewell by dressing up his dead body like an astronaut." When asked how taxpayers will see their money spent if a bailout is approved, Dalrymple said, "first and foremost, we will pay to have INS review the immigration status of Dr. Amar Pastel and do our best to get him deported." When told there is evidence that Pastel is actually an American, Dalrymple replied, "Impossible. He is an Indian and very brown. GSL is committed to employing real Americans, like Clint Eastwood, Chris Cornell and Zach Braff."

The Federal Treasury said they have not received an application for a bailout from GSL Enterprises at the time of publication.