Startling revelations from Tiger Woods' third public statement

Los Angeles CA (GSP). Tiger Woods released a public statement through his agent amid allegations of wild extra-marital affairs from numerous women. The much anticipated statement was expected to address the shocking scandal that has plagued America's most popular golfer for the past week. Woods' statement reads:

I am not proud of my actions and my transgressions. I am human and have made mistakes. I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused my family and friends. I still have one confession to make and feel it is in the best interest of both parties that this revelation comes from me, Tiger Woods. My regrettable exploits do not only include those women who have come forth with stories of sexual encounters, many of which are untrue. The most intimate and shameful affair I engaged in is with Dr. Amar Pastel, a longtime lover and companion. We would sleep together and eat potato chips and unripe tomato and yellow mustard sandwiches on Wonderbread. I thought it was nice. But I learned I could do better. It is with deep shame that I admit this and I apologize to my wife, Elin and children. I hope with time, my family, friends and fans will come to forgive me.

The Associated Press jumped on the statement, ruthlessly investigating Dr. Amar Pastel's lurid past. According to company documents, Pastel is an embalmer at GSL Enterprises, a for-profit franchise of funeral parlors, and medical director for the company's division of producing high-quality chamomile-based beauty supplies. Several fringe bloggers have described Pastel's perverted history in detail, which have only now come to light since Woods' embarrassing public apology.

Popular pundits also offered strong opinions. Rush Limbaugh said, "The crazy accusations of these women with low self-esteem are nothing compared to this affair with Pastel. The Pastel affair transcends any humiliation associated with these flings with minor groupies." Limbaugh continued, "The fact that Tiger was this upset and chose to reveal this now says everything about Pastel's tyranny in Woods' life."

Keith Olbermann of NBC news also agreed. "I don't understand how 1000s of women come forward to say they slept with Tiger Woods and he chooses to address none of this. Instead, he has this level of shame because of his involvement with this Pastel that he feels compelled to confess now. It is just nuts."

Even President Obama had some choice words to say to Woods. "Now look, I am as forgiving as the next guy when it comes to youthful dalliances. But I think it would be easier to free Chai Vang than it would be to condone Woods' relationship with Dr. Amar Pastel. I wish him well and hope he is able to see a productive therapist."

Dr. Amar Pastel responded to the statement via email. "Of course it is true, but I don't think it is that shameful to be with me.... the relationship ultimately was not very fulfilling. It was nothing but empty calories and male curiosity."

GSL Enterprises CEO Curtis Winslow and CLO Elmo Buchanan offered no comment.