Pastel Distinguishes Between Funny and Offensive

New Stanton, PA (GSP). In a press release by GSL Enterprises this morning, Administrative Assistant Supervisor Dr. Amar Pastel revealed that some humor is actually funny, while other humor is, in fact, offensive.

Citing several examples of jokes, Pastel intended to show that there is a distinction between offensive humor, and offensiveness period. For example, he said that monsters counting to 21 by using their toes is a funny joke, while monsters molesting 21 koala bears is not, and is in fact rude and offensive, potentially offending koala bears who are victims of monster molestation.

He also said that spilling spot remover on a dog to make the dog disappear is a "rip-roaring, pee-your-pants" joke. However, spilling spot remover on an Indian to make their forehead disappear is racist and a borderline hate crime. The list goes on and on.

Of note, Pastel, a longtime "Seinfeld" fan, has intended to host Michael Richards, better known as Kramer, a key-note speaker and guest comic to a future press conference, to demonstrate how humor does not have to be offensive. Pastel said, "I've always loved Kramer's comedy. He's so whacky. Plus there is no way that Michael Richards would, or could, ever offend anyone doing his stand-up routine."

Pastel mentioned that he would like to see GSL Enterprises set up a non-profit research center to study offensive humor and how to mitigate its damaging effects in society. GSL Executives have said flat-out that the company will not participate in this endeavor whatsoever.

Pastel has since coined the phrase, "There's funny, and then there's offensive."

Pastel Gets Picture Taken with Fresh Prince, Is Nervous, Thrilled

Hollywood CA (GSP). At the Warner Bros. Studio in Hollywood, GSL Enterprises embalmer and in-house pediatrician Dr. Amar Pastel got his picture digitally edited within a commercial for the popular syndicated Fresh Prince of Bel-Air sitcom.

As a novelty offered to guests on the Warner Bros. tour, Pastel paid $55US for the picture and the memories that will last a lifetime.

Pastel said he was "nervous" to share a frame with his childhood idol and fantasy man Will Smith, but was also "thrilled" at the opportunity. He said, "I knew vacationing and taking this tour was something special. Now I can die in peace."

Several parents of families on the same tour complained that Pastel hogged the exhibit and was overall very disruptive throughout the experience.

CEO Buchanan Digs New Chamomile Chewing Gum

Akron OHIO (GSP). CEO of GSL Enterprises, Alberto Buchanan, has deemed GSL's new chamomile chewing gum prototype, "Project Chamo-Chew" a delicious success.

Market research from ACNielsen has shown the chamomile gum to be more tasty and magical than Bubblicious Grape-Berry-Fruit-o-Blast and has more elasticity (or, "jaw-bounce") than the leading Bazooka Joe Bubblegum Pop. It also outperformed the flavor duration of Extra Sugar-free gum, earning it the reputation as "Going the Distance in Flavor... Lasting an Extra-Extra long time."

Furthermore, Little League baseball players have preferred it to Big League Chew and 1 out of 5 dip users prefer it to Skoal Mint Snuff. Also, smokers have said it has helped them quit more than Nicorette and cigarettes combined.

The secret ingredients include sweat from Tibetan monks, incense from traditional Chinese tea celebrations and special Indian herbs and pubic hair from the mother and sister of GSL honcho Dr. Amar Pastel.

Buchanan is more than pleased with the way the project has turned out and was chewing the scrumptious gum as he delivered the press conference. Buchanan was quoted as saying, "The gum is so [expletive] good, its enough to make Willy Wonka [cream] his candy-ass shorts."

The gum is rumored to have a light, spicy Indian tinge.