Pastel loses it a la George

Pastel celebrates birthday, perverted party all in the imagination

Akron OH (GSP). World renowned embalmer and deviant Dr. Amar Pastel made waves in the office today with disturbing tales of a birthday party. Regailing his co-workers with bizarre tales of perverted sexual exploits even when it was obvious they did not want to speak to him, Dr. Pastel continued to alienate himself from his peers.

While hovering above their cubicles with offensive coffee breath, Pastel proudly told a tall tale about how he went to a birthday theme party hosted by a mysterious high school friend. The theme? The end of the world with hot chicks. He claims he reenacted the apocalypse scene from Transformers with Megan Fox herself, and he played the (self-described) "naughty Shia LaBeouf." Pastel even offered, what he called, photo evidence of the event. Strangely, the picture looked like Pastel was vomiting as he leered at Fox's breasts. He tried to cover up his perversion by saying he actually held her hand, but soon became entangled in his own web of lies. After that scene, Pastel said Megan Fox was so enchanted by his portrayal of "Sexy Shia" that she gave him a birthday lap dance to the 1990s hit "Following a Star" by Duke Daniels.

Here is where the story gets interesting. He claimed that since she was drunk, she acted erratically during the lap dance. Suddenly, and without warning, she bit him on the lower forearm. Needless to say, his coworkers did not believe him and were fed up with his coffee breath and almond oil hair. Undeterred, Pastel showed them marks on his arm as proof of Megan Fox masticating his flesh. However a lower-level GSL chamomile expert said the wounds looked more like he accidentally walked into a whiteboard marker-tray. Pastel confessed later in the day that the whiteboard hypothesis is the truth, and he simply made up the hot-girl-biting-his-arm-after-giving-him-a-lap-dance story to account for the marks on his arm. He insisted, though, that his high school friends threw him a party.

Coworkers were furious at the lies and outright perverted behavior exhibited in the story. One remarked, "Man, that guy is such a pervert. He is messed up in the head." Others said, "He's not that bad. I'm glad its his birthday. He's a good guy and he deserves a good birthday. Even if it is as fake as the Neverending Story."

GSL Execs Curtis Nguyen and Elmo Buchanan were surprised to find out it was their most notorious employee's birthday. "I always thought his birthday was in April," Curtis said. He continued, "Well, happy birthday Amar, you ol' pervert!"

Attorney Dimejios Ashley-Ogun left a memo congratulating Pastel and apologizing for not being present. The memo read, "Going out for a hot date with Stephen, I mean Stephanie."