Shocking discovery: Late celebrities to be exhumed for proper embalming, GSL professional burial
Milford, CT (GSP). According to leaked GSL Enterprises internal documents, the controversial company is purporting the exhumation of several dead celebrities, including John Wayne, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Bruce Lee, and the girl who disappeared from the TV sitcom "Family Matters" among others, as part of an extreme marketing campaign to garner favor and penetrate untapped demographics for GSL's funeral services industry.
The documents state that, once exhumed, depending on the level of decomposition, leading expert in embalming, Dr. Amar Pastel would provide a post-burial makeover. The makeover would include reconstructing facial tissue, muscles and providing fashion alternatives to the usual suits and conservative dresses. A typical GSL funeral consisting of colorful balloons, party favors and loot bags, complete with miniature gravestones, is planned to showcase the company edge in the funeral service domain. What has enraged critics and disgusted the public is the plan to make "Before-and-after" pictures which are to be advertised in city newspapers and highway billboards.
Senior crisis manager for GSL, Dimejios Ashley-Ogun, stated early this morning that the reports are simply overblown and GSL was merely considering ways to reach diverse and new markets. Furthermore, he stressed that "GSL has never, and will never, desecrate or disrespect the dead, period", wagging his finger for emphasis. Raising suspicion of a more devious intent, he added that new products and services in GSL's funeral business division are in the planning stages and that consumers can get excited about thrilling new approaches to funerals and embalming.
Several psychologists and human behavioralists have derided the press conference held by Ashley-Ogun, as he was reportedly perspiring heavily and repeatedly dropped Dr. Amar Pastel's name. Pastel is the chief embalmer for GSL and the administrative assistant for the GSL Funeral Services division and would have been in charge of internal documents related to top-secret funeral marketing strategy. Pastel has been blamed for nearly losing secret company chamomile recipes by leaving his Macintosh desktop unprotected. Psychologists are scheduled to conduct invalidated projective tests to determine the mental stability, personality traits and truthfulness of Pastel and Ashley-Ogun.
The reporters and newspaper who broke the story and published the top-secret internal documents have refused to name their source, invoking the Fifth Amendment. Several GSL employee robots have been fired after the startling, and disturbing, discovery.
The documents state that, once exhumed, depending on the level of decomposition, leading expert in embalming, Dr. Amar Pastel would provide a post-burial makeover. The makeover would include reconstructing facial tissue, muscles and providing fashion alternatives to the usual suits and conservative dresses. A typical GSL funeral consisting of colorful balloons, party favors and loot bags, complete with miniature gravestones, is planned to showcase the company edge in the funeral service domain. What has enraged critics and disgusted the public is the plan to make "Before-and-after" pictures which are to be advertised in city newspapers and highway billboards.
Senior crisis manager for GSL, Dimejios Ashley-Ogun, stated early this morning that the reports are simply overblown and GSL was merely considering ways to reach diverse and new markets. Furthermore, he stressed that "GSL has never, and will never, desecrate or disrespect the dead, period", wagging his finger for emphasis. Raising suspicion of a more devious intent, he added that new products and services in GSL's funeral business division are in the planning stages and that consumers can get excited about thrilling new approaches to funerals and embalming.
Several psychologists and human behavioralists have derided the press conference held by Ashley-Ogun, as he was reportedly perspiring heavily and repeatedly dropped Dr. Amar Pastel's name. Pastel is the chief embalmer for GSL and the administrative assistant for the GSL Funeral Services division and would have been in charge of internal documents related to top-secret funeral marketing strategy. Pastel has been blamed for nearly losing secret company chamomile recipes by leaving his Macintosh desktop unprotected. Psychologists are scheduled to conduct invalidated projective tests to determine the mental stability, personality traits and truthfulness of Pastel and Ashley-Ogun.
The reporters and newspaper who broke the story and published the top-secret internal documents have refused to name their source, invoking the Fifth Amendment. Several GSL employee robots have been fired after the startling, and disturbing, discovery.
posted by GSL Enterprises at
6:08 PM
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