GSL launches “Calm Down with Chamomile” campaign

Napanee ON (GSP). Amidst a flurry of controversial litigation, wild allegations and furious critics, GSL Enterprises has officially announced an aggresive marketing campaign in an ostensible effort to curtail the heavy profits and revenue losses attributed to the follies of chief embalmer and landscape architect, Dr. Amar Pastel.

The “Calm Down with Chamomile” campaign has been in the works for weeks and finally, GSL made the official word yesterday afternoon in a press conference at their chamomile headquarters in Napanee, Ontario.

“Calm Down with Chamomile” is a four-pronged approach to marketing chamomile products. As explained by senior marketing strategist, Elmo Buchanan, “Without giving away too much, I will tell you what I am authorized to say. We first identified the markets we wanted to target. Roughly speaking, there were two clear groups that we felt were reasonable to attack: those who are interested in purchasing GSL chamomile and those who are not.”

Buchanan continued, “Once we had our target market profiled, we decided on a four pronged approach to penetrate the market most effectively. The first is through sponsored sporting events complete with free samples. We plan to start with pseudo-sports that are popular among the Discovery Channel crowd, like BotWars and Myth Busters, then we plan to extend to big tobacco-sponsored tennis events like the Marlboro Classic or the Newport Pleasure Open. Eventually NASCAR and the Cannes Festival will see a large GSL Chamomile contingent operation. We feel that this is a crowd that could use the soothing and calming effect only found in GSL chamomile. After a hot and sweaty day, who wouldn’t like a warm cup of soothing chamomile?”

“The second strategy we have is to target nursery schools and kindergarten classes. At first GSL was reluctant to target this demographic, but this group, upon investigation, fell into the “not interested in purchasing GSL chamomile” which meant we should try and target them. With strong insistence by our infantile junior advisor, Dr. Amar Pastel, we decided to give it a whirl and at his further insistence, we let him be in charge of all the front-line work involved. Pastel has stated numerous times he is interested in doing market research in the soporific (sleep-inducing) effects of chamomile during naptime and when he is alone with them.”

“The third strategy is to target a distinctly Asian group. Most Asians are not aware the chamomile is derived from China. Furthermore, there are many attributes of the chamomile flower we feel is empowering for Asians and will help them calm down in an increasingly white dominated world. Not only is the peculiar flower native to their land, engendering a strong sense of nationalism, but there are the physical attributes that are important. The flower has a yellow core with a white surrounding. It also is known for its light, spicy Indian tinge. Plus, it makes sense to try to move their tastes from plain old chinaman tea to GSL chamomile: the most exciting tea on the market. Everyone knows chinamen drink tea by the gallons. They are a strange bunch, and we are proud to offer delicious GSL chamomile to help them calm down.”

“The fourth and final strategy we seek to employ in our “Calm Down with Chamomile” campaign is to tout the mysterious thrills inherent with purchasing GSL chamomile. Each item of GSL chamomile purchased at Walmart and Crabtree and Evelyn comes with an erotic thriller story written by romance enthusiast Dr. Amar Pastel. Most stories involve some female engaging in an adulterous affair with a male of color (excluding Asians, of course, for the virtue of realism and to increase the sexy nature of the stories instead of turning readers off). Our market research shows that a significant portion of our consumers are the ‘lotioned-up’ housewives who are desperate for excitement and lust in their suburban, provincial lives. We feel that Pastel’s stories are enough to get them purchasing GSL chamomile and calm them down to give them the confidence to act on their deep-seated desire to cheat on their husbands. In the future, we hope to provide some chamomile products for husbands who wish for soothing relief when they are financially destitute from divorce and therapy bills. At the very least, we can provide funeral services to the wives, husbands and ‘other men’ lest any of them perish in crimes of passion.”

Buchanan left immediately after proudly proclaiming the “new age of GSL chamomile.”

Spherion research is currently surveying focus groups to gauge the public reaction to the “Calm Down with Chamomile” campaign.