Amar continues to offend with racial-motivated photography venture

San Antonio TX (GSP). GSL's famed embalmer, Dr. Amar Pastel, has opened up a photo/snapshot booth in downtown San Antonio in an ostensible ploy to encourage anti-Asian sentiment among the locals.

The photo booth provides 4 pictures/poses for $1; access to a "coolie" hat (those funny triangular hats stupid Asians wear) and a sign imploring patrons to "LOOK ASIAN". If requested, the machine also prints out humorous "thought clouds" with racial overtones.

So far there have been mixed reactions. Most of the people buying the product are, strangely enough, Asian and Korean. However, it has been advertised exclusively to white people but users have been mildly interested at best. It appears to be a favorite among young white girls.

GSL Enterprises has not claimed any affiliation with Pastel's independent venture.

New Menopause Hormone-Replacment Therapy Gives Promising Results After Phase II Trials for GSL Biopharmaceuticals P.L.

Princeton, NJ (GSP). GSL Biopharmaceuticals released a press release today with the results of their Phase II clinical trials for their new drug Amarerva.

Dr. Curtis Ng, Director of Drug development & Discovery, and Translational Science at GSL Pharmaceuticals, said he was encouraged by the results, especially after extremely promising preclinical, Phase I, and several dosage studies: "Our hormone-replacement Amarerva appears to be 99% well-tolerated and effective, and we've only had one adverse event out of the 100 women we've tested so far. Our new therapy may end the barbarian pig-hormone and Suzanne Somers biosynthetic hormone therapies of today."

This revolutionary drug is made of 100% compacted cellulose fibers, with a thin outer coating of soy-based dye molecules 2nm thick that are formed into a naked picture of famous mortician Amar Pastel. Dr. Ng said it seems works by "Women's ovaries are stimulated to produce more estrogen and eggs after being exposed to the image of Amar Pastel with his silky chest hair. We don't know the exact physiological mechanism, but many of the women we asked during trials said 'after seeing that beautiful man naked, I never want to stop having sex!' and their ovaries, devoid of eggs, started producing eggs and estrogen replacing and rebalancing the hormones in their bodies. Damnest thing."

Dr. Ng did express some concern about the one adverse event coded: "We are really puzzled about this woman's death. We called the doctor at the North Baltimore Clinic running this leg of the trial, and he said 'After seeing the picture, she got really excited. Then she had a massive heartattack and died.' I looked at her chart, and she also had a WTP (Wetpanties) code." How FDA will view this event is a mystery, but GSL Biopharmaceuticals remains confident that Amarerva, with appropriate labeling, will be approvable after Phase III trials set to being this August, 2007.

Dr. Pastel hospitalized for severe nasal congestion

Frimfrale, OH (GSP). Frimfale Hospital announced this afternoon that Dr. Amar Pastel, famed chief-resident embalmer and Hindi translator for GSL Enterprises was hospitalized with what was diagnosed as severe nasal congestion.

According to the hospital release, Pastel's sinuses were drained and he is resting comfortably in the hospital. Doctors expect him to make a full recovery. The congestion was thought to be caused by extreme allergies and extended periods of intense lethargy.

Friends of Pastel were relieved, saying "I hope now he can come out to parties with us or at least talk on the phone. There should be no excuses for avoiding us now." They plan to donate the slippery secretions to the local zoo to be fed to aardvarks and llamas.

Frimfale is home to the largest concentration of GSL employees, both living and robotic, with over 30,000 individuals working for the funeral services division of GSL Enterprises. Several are happy the prognosis for Pastel is good.

High-protein nasal congestion removed from the sinuses of Dr. Amar Pastel will be fed to animals at the local zoo. (GSP/File photo).

Dr. Pastel in hot water for racist remarks, cartoon

Akron OH (GSP). In a public relations blow to GSL Enterprises, and on the doorstep of the mass introduction of GSL’s new Chamorette product, Dr. Amar Pastel has found himself amidst a storm of controversy after uttering remarks and sketching a crude cartoon with racial overtones about Asians and cigarettes.

According to GSP, Pastel told reporters that the “only Asian [he wants] to see smoking is one that has been freshly cremated.” Pastel has a history of refusing to provide funeral services to Asians, particularly Asian men, often recommending they get cremated so he “doesn’t have to look at their ugly mugs.”

Shortly after, a cartoon, apparently drawn by Pastel was published in an Akron tabloid, as part of a funny cartoon contest. It depicts a racially exaggerated Asian man sitting beside his rickshaw with a cigarette while a white police officer observes to the rickshaw’s white passenger, “hey pal, your engine is smoking.” The cartoon won for the Funniest Drawing award in the contest. It may be an ostensible ploy to make it difficult for Asian men to purchase the new Chamorette. The Asian market is one GSL has admitted it refuses to advertise to, underscoring a belief that people seeing Asian men smoke Chamorettes will turn them off the product.

Pastel has dismissed the remarks and cartoon as being “witty” and “astute,” saying that he “means everything.” Asian action leagues are outraged by this and have asked for everyone to boycott GSL products and services. Analysts predict this effect will be nil, since no one listens to action leagues, let alone Asian ones.

Whether this will impact sales of the new Chamorette product remains unknown. A reproduction of the cartoon appears below.

Chamorette scientifically proven to be delicious, not recommended for Asians

Springfield MA (GSP). In a landmark clinical trial set to be released in July 2007, the new chamomile cigarette device, a brainchild of GSL Enterprises and several tobacco companies, has shown that children and adults enjoy the product, it is highly addictive and surprisingly delicious. The taste of the product is likely due to the light spicy Indian tinge that chamomile is known for. The health effects of Chamorette are still not known.

Chamorette is not recommended for Asian men, as they will likely reduce the sexy mass appeal of the product and thus reduce sales among markets who actually have money and may provide a networking sales effect.

Chamorette is set for mass distribution in late June 2007.

GSL Enterprises presents research in explosive saving lives science

Will publish groundbreaking article in the science of saving lives, Asians top list.

Rice Lake WI (GSP). In a news conference held this morning, GSL Enterprises presented complex theorems and statistical models to show how certain employees save lives, using GSL as a business model.

Since 2004, GSL Enterprises has provided high-quality, low-cost funeral services across the nation and in the process help save lives. Company CEO and Saving Lives Division Leader, Curtis Engolopoulos said, “Many companies and individuals claim to save lives. Until now, there has been no way to quantify that. We make the science accessible with our cutting edge models and in the process of showing you how, we will probably save 2 lives. Let us prove it to you.”

GSL claims to exclusively employ people who save lives or have a high life saving potential. Through their rigorous pre-employment training, headed by MD, Dr. Amar Pastel, all employees are guaranteed to save at least 14 lives in their first week of employment, although typically most save many more than that.

Engolopoulos explained that each employee has a different quantifiable potential to save lives, as determined by the GSL Life Saving Potential Quotient. When paired with the proportion of time they spend working, you get a function that can tell you how many lives are saved per hour (and assuming 8 hour days, and 40 day weeks) also per day and per week. On average, an employee can reasonably expect to save 20-25 extra lives per week with each year of experience with the company. However, this tends to plateau at about 6000 lives saved per week, but only at GSL Enterprises.

There are some employees, such as Yasmine (note: all names changed to protect identities) that can save approximately 0.15 lives (probably like an arm or leg or something) per hour, while others such as Molly, can save an astonishing 720 lives/hour. Typically, an average employee like Sanford, has below-average potential but makes up for that by working hard, so he saves an average number of lives regardless. Asians, such as 2 year employee Wang Pho, tend to have a higher potential for saving lives. In other words, Wang Pho can potentially save more lives than Yasmine and Sanford combined, however Wang cannot capitalize on this by working in a discriminatory environment that is racist against Asians. That means in one hour, Wang actually can save more lives than Sanford who is actually working harder, but because Sanford’s potential is so low, and Wang is dealing with anti-Asian sentiment, Sanford save more lives. Same trends continue for the daily and weekly level.

It should also be noted how much it costs for GSL to save a life. It costs low-pay employees like Wang between $0.42 and $0.65 per life while it costs Molly more than a whopping $5 for each life saved. That is how GSL earns a lucrative profit: underpaying low level Asian employees, while earning maximum profits from them. In the GSL business models, white workers are paid more while less is expected from them, as compared to Asians.

Engolopoulos said that the story does not stop there and is actually more complicated. He explained that there is an important underlying assumption that undercuts all of this: not all lives are equal. Some lives go on to save other lives and are therefore more valuable in saving overall number of lives. These are called LSL (lives that save lives). The model predicts that Asians save LSLs at a rate much, much higher than other employees (generally, 80% of lives Asians save go on to save more lives). As an example, Yasmine is the best, as every life (or fraction of lives she saves), will certainly go on to save more lives. However, because she doesn't save many lives to begin with, it really doesn't make much of a difference.

GSL’s model is adjustable to see how many lives are saved by the LSL. Some employees, unlike Yasmine, simply cannot save lives that save lives, such as Molly, for instance. Effectively, Molly saves very low-quality, unhelpful lives, while the majority of lives Wang, or all Asians, save go on to save more lives. Since Molly works so hard, she has higher raw number than Wang, but for the effort she puts in and for money she charges, the returns are very, very low.

As far as comparing Asians to whites, since GSL is committed to providing racial bias in all presentations, Asians can only save a measly 5-8% of the lives a white employee saves. However, for every 10 lives Wang saves, 8 go on to save more lives; and for every 10 lives Molly saves, 0 go on to save more lives.

The results will appear in the June 2007 issue of Cutting Edge Research Monthly. Engolopoulous is the primary author and thanks Dr. Amar Pastel in the ‘Acknowledgments’ section for outstanding administrative assistance. Cutting Edge Research Monthly is a quarterly magazine published by GSP, a subsidiary of GSL Enterprises.

Large public outcry against GSL Chamorette campaign

Grassroots protest groups relatively mum about dangers of GSL-Tobacco Co. partnership, addictive Chamorettes

Seattle WA (GSP). There has been a public backlash against GSL Enterprises, the chamomile and funeral care giant, for their marketing approach promoting the new highly addictive, cigarette-like Chamorettes.

Grassroots activist-mothers groups have called for Dr. Amar Pastel’s head on a platter, as he is the new spokesman and most visible employee touting the new product. These groups claim that he is being irresponsible for marketing the product to children and for smoking them himself in public libraries and children's playgrounds. Faith-based initiatives have also been launched against the marketing campaign component that has Pastel passing out cigarettes to faithful church goers at the local Prayer Palace and various Mega-Churches, saying “God ain’t want you to feel that bad. Take a break from your sins… with a smooth Chamorette!” Richie Goodspan, a Concerned Christian against Chamorette and Pastel (CCCP), said, “This is outrageous. Church is a haven for sinners, but not for the likes of Pastel who prey on us without praying for us.” Asked if he has tried the new Chamorette, Goodspan said “no.”

The introduction of a new addictive device is the first since the introduction of the cigarette in the 18^th century. Analysts predict this is a bold move that will have tremendous economic impacts globally, given the increasing popularity and consumption of the Chamomile flower – a delicious spice with a light, Indian tinge, frequently used in body care products and potpourris. Health experts hypothesize the new Chamorette will have a horrible public health impact – likely worse the ebola, bird flu and migraines combined, given the addictive and safety concerns of the product. However, protest groups have only been mildly opposed to these aspects of the new addictive product, and instead have exhibited a ferocious disdain for Dr. Amar Pastel. Public support for the embittered Pastel has waned ever since he was embroiled in a very public sex scandal with Camilla Featherstone, an Arby’s employee from Ohio. It is expected GSL Enterprises will pull the plug on Pastel touting the new Chamorette and unnamed sources suggest he may be replaced with Tony Hawk, the Kool-Aid man and/or Kermit the Frog in an exciting new advertising campaign.

GSL announces partnerships with Philip Morris and RJ Reynolds, to produce chamomile-based cigarettes

Earned exemption from tobacco laws make chamomile cigarette a no-brainer

Durham NC (GSP). The NASDAQ and NYSE were rocked today after a landmark agreement between the chamomile product behemoth GSL Enterprises and two largest cigarette manufacturers in America was announced. GSL stock rose +$14.62 and Philip Morris and RJR rose +$12.32 and +$8.04 respectively after GSL CEO Elmo Buchanan revealed a groundbreaking new plan that is expected to revolutionize adult tobacco-chamomile products.

GSL Enterprises, an Akron- and Ontario-based chamomile luxury item manufacturer and low-cost, high quality funeral care provider, will provide chamomile flowers and leaves to PM and RJR for incorporation into a new cigarette design, which burns chamomile instead of tobacco. Industry scientific research reports conclude that chamomile is much more addictive than tobacco when its smoke is inhaled, however safety, toxicity and long-term health studies have not been conducted. GSL strongly claims that the new chamomile cigarette, called Chamorette, is a safe alternative to cigarettes despite a paucity of scientific evidence to back it up. Scientific studies are planned in the short-term future to determine the precise health and toxic effects of Chamorette. GSL spokesman and company asshole, Dr. Amar Pastel said, “We know that Chamorette gives people the rush they crave and will keep them coming back for more. And with no adverse health side effects, you can smoke as many as you like!” As he puffed on the new herbal cigarette he is quoted as saying, “Ahhhhh!” with tremendous satisfaction.

The immense rise in stock is related to an automatic exemption of PM and RJR from the Master Settlement Agreement, since the FDA mandated responsible marketing and production of tobacco products and not chamomile products. It is expected PM and RJR will increase profits by 600% within 6 months given they will not be paying exorbitant sums for federal taxes normally reserved for tobacco cigarettes and frivolous lawsuits. This, coupled with the highly addictive properties of Chamorettes, and the extremely low price and high value of GSL trademarked chamomile make this agreement a no-brainer and a guaranteed lucrative endeavor.

Chamorettes are not intended for children and come in a variety of flavors and colors. They are rumored to have a light, spicy Indian tinge upon inhalation, while the second-hand smoke reportedly smells like curry and sweat. Chamorettes are slated to be released by July 2007 and are expected to increase coolness factor for males by 4 and the sexiness factor for females by 3.