GSL announces partnerships with Philip Morris and RJ Reynolds, to produce chamomile-based cigarettes

Earned exemption from tobacco laws make chamomile cigarette a no-brainer

Durham NC (GSP). The NASDAQ and NYSE were rocked today after a landmark agreement between the chamomile product behemoth GSL Enterprises and two largest cigarette manufacturers in America was announced. GSL stock rose +$14.62 and Philip Morris and RJR rose +$12.32 and +$8.04 respectively after GSL CEO Elmo Buchanan revealed a groundbreaking new plan that is expected to revolutionize adult tobacco-chamomile products.

GSL Enterprises, an Akron- and Ontario-based chamomile luxury item manufacturer and low-cost, high quality funeral care provider, will provide chamomile flowers and leaves to PM and RJR for incorporation into a new cigarette design, which burns chamomile instead of tobacco. Industry scientific research reports conclude that chamomile is much more addictive than tobacco when its smoke is inhaled, however safety, toxicity and long-term health studies have not been conducted. GSL strongly claims that the new chamomile cigarette, called Chamorette, is a safe alternative to cigarettes despite a paucity of scientific evidence to back it up. Scientific studies are planned in the short-term future to determine the precise health and toxic effects of Chamorette. GSL spokesman and company asshole, Dr. Amar Pastel said, “We know that Chamorette gives people the rush they crave and will keep them coming back for more. And with no adverse health side effects, you can smoke as many as you like!” As he puffed on the new herbal cigarette he is quoted as saying, “Ahhhhh!” with tremendous satisfaction.

The immense rise in stock is related to an automatic exemption of PM and RJR from the Master Settlement Agreement, since the FDA mandated responsible marketing and production of tobacco products and not chamomile products. It is expected PM and RJR will increase profits by 600% within 6 months given they will not be paying exorbitant sums for federal taxes normally reserved for tobacco cigarettes and frivolous lawsuits. This, coupled with the highly addictive properties of Chamorettes, and the extremely low price and high value of GSL trademarked chamomile make this agreement a no-brainer and a guaranteed lucrative endeavor.

Chamorettes are not intended for children and come in a variety of flavors and colors. They are rumored to have a light, spicy Indian tinge upon inhalation, while the second-hand smoke reportedly smells like curry and sweat. Chamorettes are slated to be released by July 2007 and are expected to increase coolness factor for males by 4 and the sexiness factor for females by 3.