Pastel Panty Puzzle Close to Results, Investigators Say

New York NY (GSP). Investigators involved in the so-called Pastel Panty Puzzle have been working around the clock to determine the ownership of the dirty panties found in the hotel room of famed GSL embalmer, Dr. Amar Pastel. While litigators and federal agents have been keeping close watch on Pastel and his moves, forensic experts and genetic scientists have been working non-stop in search of clues that may point to individuals connected with the wet and frilly undergarments.

The scientists are confident their work will see results sooner rather than later, and have not been paying attention to the online poll conducted by Gallup and GSP, lest the survey bias their research. Nearly all people who are friends or acquaintances with Pastel have been contacted to donate DNA samples for testing. It is unknown whether the individuals listed on the online polls have had any contact with Pastel, but given the scientific importance of quantifiable online surveys for sensational news scandals, no possibilities are excluded at this time, said lead forensic bacteriologist, Dr. Marvin Gardens.

While Gardens did not provide any hints as to who he thinks the mysterious owner of the panties is, he did reveal results from a bacterial culture found in the crotch of the crusty panties. "It seemed to be a true case of crotch-rot, with positive tests for festering aggressive bacterium, fungal spores and eggs of amphibious origin. We were rather surprised with what came out (pictured above)."

Exclusive coverage of the Pastel Panty Puzzle will be continued by GSP on this award-winning website.