Pastel Considers Self-Performed Plastic Surgery

Times Square, NY (GSL). People magazine alleged today that Dr. Pastel of GSL corporate fame is considering pectoral implants for himself. This is in connection with several key informants of relation to Pastel who have suggested that he, while drunk, has said he emulates Patrick Swazye developing strategies on how to perform surgery to make himself look like the Dirty Dancing star. The surgery involves inserting semi-solid silicone implants into the pectoral cavity. Pastel has little experience performing plastic surgery on living flesh.

Dr. Amar Patel Diagnosed with Hemorrhoids

Mayo Clinic, VA (GSP). The venerable Dr. Amar Pastel was recently diagnosed with severe hemorrhoids, says a GSL corporate physician who asked to remain anonymous. At 3:20 this afternoon, Pastel rushed himself to the hospital complaining of “intense pain down there” and was immediately seen by eminent proctologist Dr. Fee-Shong Shuing. Dr. Shuing had to remove several hamsters and various metallic objects from Dr. Pastel’s rectum before being completely sure the pain Pastel experienced was indeed due to hemorrhoids. Pastel was prescribed maximum strength hemorrhoid ointment which he is to apply hourly and given an inflatable donut to sit on. Dr. Shuing recommended Pastel improve his diet, namely cutting down on sugar to avoid the painful condition.

Pastel loves Eli, hates sibs

New York NY (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel, a long time football fan and chief executive embalmer for GSL Enterprises Funeral Division, enjoyed the Colts-Giants game at Giants Stadium on Sunday night. Spotted in the nosebleed section in full Eli Manning regalia, Pastel was seen laughing and smiling throughout the game with what appeared to be a young white attractive female. Pastel in a rare form of generosity gave autographs to several fans preempting requests.

During a press conference Monday afternoon, Pastel stated his desire to see Eli Manning win over older brother Peyton, given his affinity for the city but most importantly to see a younger sibling defeat an older sibling. Pastel explained he has always lived in the shadow of his older sister, Anita Pastel, Miss Youth American-Indian of Newington, 1998, and current celebrity zoo keeper at Newington Safari Heights, as well as his older brother Kumar Pastel, the first South East Asian-American actor to actually be cool in a motion picture. Being the youngest, he always identified with Eli Manning and compared him and Eli to “brothers of the same sorrows and weeping.” Amar related several stories from his troubled childhood, including an incident when he was 7 and Anita gave him an atomic wedgie while Kumar pinched his nipples. Another incident involved Kumar blowing up one of Amar’s favorite dolls with household-grade demolitions while Anita gave him a full-frontal wedgie. The press conference concluded with Pastel in tears ordering the reporter out of the room.

Repost From GSL Archives: Study, Pastel Conclude Picking At It Makes It Better, Not Worse

This original GSP article was published June 30, 2006.

Silicon Valley, CA (GSP). Mothers everywhere may have to hold their tongue - and get their kids to start scratching - thanks to Dr. Rama Pastel and head researchers from an independent research organization.

In a landmark study, sponsored by GSL Research Division, examining the benefits or harms associated with picking at it, researchers have concluded that, contrary to popular beliefs, there are no harms and picking at it actually makes it better.

While the study focused nearly exclusively on scabs and sores, there is reason to suggest the findings apply equally well to noses and ears, but not the anus, said Dr. Rama Pastel, Chief Dermatologist for the University of Minnesota Music School.

While the precise mechanism of why picking at it is beneficial has not been mapped, Pastel offered clues as to what scientists think what may be going on.

"The general consensus is that the scratching and digging effect of fingernails on scabs, sores and boils may provide a means to bring blood to the surface and deliver nutrients to the affected area. It is also possible that the psychological satisfaction of picking at it despite your mother's insistence to stop can increase the immune system and speed healing. But there are limits. There is no need to scratch so hard as to get black stuff under your fingernails. That is certainly not beneficial and should be avoided at all costs."

At first rejected from several top journals because of the conflicting financial interest by Pastel and GSL in Chamomile-based skin care, the study will finally be published in September 2006. Pastel and GSL eventually disclosed the nature of their chamomile business venture and research after several months of denying any association or conflict.

This article will be published in The International Journal of Dermatology. Pastel and GSL have announced plans on conducting further studies, specifically looking at the hedonic response to biting fingernails and profiling the peculiar, but popular habit of wiping so hard on the toilet that it hurts.

Pastel storms into Stalingrad; meets Lenin

Stalingrad RUSSIA (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel arrived in Stalingrad (formerly St. Petersburg and Leningrad) yesterday with an escort and chauffeur, after visiting various nunneries and orphanages in Bulgaria. Pastel toured the city with his own private tour book and many print-outs from wikipedia.com. One of his stops included the tomb of the great Russian icon Vladimir Lenin. Pastel reportedly enjoyed viewing the embalmed revolutionary, but later scoffed, "I can pull a better embalmed corpse out of my [behind]." He then claimed that the embalming fluids and gases used to preserve Lenin were from "the Stone Age" and that GSL has far superior technology to ensure Lenin will be "handsome and hued" until Russia becomes a world power again. Pastel said that GSL would provide the best embalming practices for a nominal fee and that he just "can't wait to get [his] hands on that stiff."

Pastel visits Bulgarian orphanage

Sofia, Bulgaria (GSP). Dr. Pastel, VP of the GSL Enterprises Mailroom visited St. Juniper's Orphanage in Sofia, Bulgaria today, traveling through the city en route to Leningrad, Russia. But what was thought to be a humanitarian gesture turned into disaster. The children rushed to Dr. Pastel, amazed to see the soft-faced, well-intentioned Westerner. One little boy named Vlakov came up to Pastel and said "Dr. Pastel, my life is hopeless. I am nothing but shambles" Pastel's face immediately changed, and with cold, glaring eyes he looked at the little boy and replied "WELCOME TO MY LIFE," and left the 16th century Orphanage without so much as a good bye. The eruption of crying in the building took nuns three hours to calm down.

Fox News alleges Pastel creates Fake Business News

New York, NY (GSP). Business Weekly on Fox News charged Dr. Pastel of GSL Enterprises today for using the Gymshorts Press today to create "fake business news" that misleads American and International investors. This is following several accounts of investors using GSP news to make bad investments based on "faulty or just plain fake news." Richard Cypress of Blodding, OH has told Fox News that he invested his entire retirement on shares of watered GSL stock in response to "fake reports of profit growth and higher divedend yields." Fox News also charges Dr. Pastel for not conforming to GAAP accounting regulations and simply faking financial statements for public investors and tax evasion. Both the SEC and IRS are investigating Junior CFO Pastel's actions. Pastel is a graduate of Mt. Sinai Medical School and has played in several non-season minor league baseball games in right field.