What’s Hot? Not JanSport; new bully technique "Pastel'd"

Cliffwoodshire, WV (GSP). In the latest fall issue of Backpacks Now!, a weekly conservative knapsack fashion magazine, the editor has denounced Jansport as the least fashionable backpack for back-to-school gear. The backpack company was slammed as having the least ergonomic, most uncomfortable and cheesy design for all the backpacks and this condemnation was made retroactive to 1992 when the company began making backpacks. The editor derided Jansport as catering to the “liberal elites” and focused only on providing “evil people with the devil’s purse.”

Oddly, GSL Enterprises embittered embalmist Dr. Amar Pastel was front and center in the crosshairs of the article, as he is an incredibly unpopular Indian doctor who goes nowhere without his Jansport. The editor blasted Pastel for singlehandedly bringing down Jansport with his bizarre lifestyle and his insistence on bringing his old, ugly bag with him everywhere and inadvertently promoting the company.

But the vituperative did not end there. Indeed, the Backpacks Now! editors cited several human rights violations by the company and Pastel “that make Coca-Cola and Walmart look like Cheech and Chong in the Cayman Islands.”

Jansport saw its stock plummet in light of the article in the popular magazine as mothers everywhere rushed to return the bags that have rendered many children nerdy and uncool. Playground analysts predict owning such bags may increase risk of swirlies by 43%, wedgies by 56% and painful rear admirals by 75%. Victims of such playground hijinks have no one to blame but Dr. Amar Pastel. In fact, studies have shown school bullies have been partial to popularizing a new school act of violence: stealing pastel crayons from the art room and shoving/ramming it up the butt of nerdy kids with Jansport backpacks while simultaneous giving the victims wet willies. They call it “gettin' you Pastel’d”, similar in usage to the formidable MTV show “Punk’d” and in direct reference to embalmist Amar Pastel.

The timing couldn’t be worse for Pastel who is trying to reinvent his image by pretending to be in a rock band and buying Rogaine to preserve his hair for when his dream of being a visionary rock god is realized.

GSL ENTERPRISES ® WISHES BUCHANAN BEST

GSL ENTERPRISES® WISHES PRESIDENT ELMO BUCHANAN ALL THE BEST ON HIS EXAM.

SPECIAL REGARDS FROM CEO CURTIS NG, AND
PERVERT EMBALMIST DR AMAR PASTEL, AND
ALL THE EMPLOYEES FROM GSL.

CALM DOWN!

Carrot Top new Eyes guitarist; Police recommend put trash in bins, or recycle

Nashville, TN (GSP). In a bizarre publicity stunt to promote his new band, many media analysts believe pictures of famed GSL embalmist Dr. Amar Pastel paired with comedian-bodybuilder Carrot Top have been placed on empty bus seats as a ploy to penetrate the consciousness of the public. The pictures are in frames and have been placed in prominent places to make them look they were mistakenly left on the bus. However, photoshop experts have claimed the pictures are a fake. Publicists for Carrot Top had no comment and the affable comedian claims to have never heard of “this Amar Pastel pervert” in a phone conversation on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Pastel has responded by asking, “Has someone found my precious picture of me and my best friend? I would like it back – we need it to start the band. We already have a sick visionary guitarist. Do you know any drummers?”

Claiming that the picture is “priceless” and “treasured” and a “secret,” Pastel did not know what to say when told that several of these pictures have appeared on empty bus seats across 14 major metropolitan areas in the US. He claims that there is only one picture, and that is the picture that is lost. He said the first person to deliver it to him may be the one “who is mature enough for future national exposure.”

Police in these areas have not had any complaints about this strange marketing ploy and encourage all people to properly dispose of rubbish in appropriate bins.

COULD YOU BE EYES OF GYMSHORTS' LEAD GUITARIST?

COULD YOU BE EYES OF GYMSHORTS' LEAD GUITARIST? Singer/Lyricist Amar Prince Albert of Eyes of Gymshorts, is looking for an amazingly passionate, good-looking, and perverted rhythm/lead guitarist in the Akron, Ohio and/or Cuayahoga Falls, Ohio or surrounding area. A potential band member must have F&%$KING SICK ability to collaborate on song writing and performing to impart Vishnu's everliving truth of Nirvana through HOTT ROCKIN' MUSIK. Requirements include someone with AMARZING TALENT, dark soul, band loyalty & unmitigated perversion, and maturity for future national exposure along with the ability to write blank verse, heart-felt melodies similar to Adam Durwitz of the Counting Crows. Amar is looking for a man whose "music changes with or without him." Eyes of Gymshorts' sound will be a unique blend of heavy alternative rock and rumba. Serious inquirers please message or comment as soon as possible. Eyes of Gymshorts band management: Dimejios Sola-ogun of GSL Enterprises.

Hits will include:
1. Last in Life (2:07)
2. Danni Dangerous (1:31)
3. Gotta get something outta my head
(A Pervert's Anthem) (7:43)
4. Goth Girl Grass (4:01)
5. Changes without me (0:27)
6. I would have f----- her (4:43)
7. Mama G. Musak (5:05)
8. No More Ugly (12:43)

Vocals/Lyrics: Amar Prince Albert
Rhythm/Lead guitar: TO BE FILLED
Bass: TO BE FILLED
Drums: TO FILLED

Pastel tells joke, date shocked, not amused

Farmington, CT (GSP). GSL exec Elmo Buchanan wasn't expecting an exciting night when he picked up Dr. Pastel, famed embalmer from his Newington home, where he lives with his parents and performs pro-bono celebrity post-death makeovers for the used cadavers at the local medical school. And an exciting night he didn't get. Pastel, with an overwhelming olfactory blockade of Polo Sport, checkered shirt, and absense of charm, stepped into Buchanan's jap mobile and didn't say a word.

"It was hard driving the stick, with all of us crammed in there. I kept hitting her knees" said Buchanan about their ride to a local pizza restaurant overlooking the Housatonic River and much recommended by Curtis Ng, MPH. Buchanan picked up Tessa from her apartment in Farmington, and witnessed an awkward display of "um, nice to...um...meet you" between Pastel and the attractive blonde. They climbed into the little two-wheel drive purple truck for a ride to romance, crammed 1-2-3 on the bench seat like cows going to slaughter, with Tessa getting bruised knees on every gear change.

"It got so quiet in my jap mobile, that I had to turn on the radio," Buchanan said of the subsequent moments, "it was music to my ears to find Fergie's 'Big Girls Don't Cry' on 88.4, the River." Buchanan pulled up to the pizza restaurant whistling the tune, and pushed out the two crazy kids for a night they would remember.

"I wish I could forget that night," answers Tessa when asked about the pizza date. "We were sitting there and he was bragging about anesthesiology and surgical rotations, and I asked if I could get pepperoni. Then the waitress comes around, and he orders a small deep-dish veggie deluxe with extra cheese without asking me. What kind of man doesn't eat meat? I want a Marlboro man, not Habib, the Cheese Eater." As the pair chomped down on the green-pepper, onion, cheese, mushroom slices, washed with Diet Pepsi, Pastel got it in his head to show his humorous side.

"Why can't Brown people and Chinese people do business? Because Chinese people always say things that don't make sense. I went to buy a purse. He told me 'be a man' and then 'someone gonna get a hurt real bad.' Haha." Tessa, a wholesome, prettyish girl from Maine, was shocked.

"I didn't get it. Did he think he was funny? I didn't. He was just mean. I wanted to leave. Then to top it off, he ordered a small pizza and ate 3/4 of it. I was so hungry. Then I had to pay for it as he complained about medical school being expensive." recaped the ever-joyful-until-that-night Tessa. It ended with long ride home with very few good-night kisses characterized by Buchanan as being "Like an old horse finally getting put down with a bullet to the head."

---"I baked Cranberry-oatmeal cookies that night to forget."~Tessa
---"She wasn't very interesting."~Amar Pastel

Dr. Amar Pastel to Reveal All in “Semi-Biographical Autobiography”

New London CT (GSP). Famed GSL embalmer, Amar Pastel, after a several months hiatus from the press has just announced he will be releasing his “semi-biographical autobiography” entitled, Crimes of Passion. In it, Pastel mentions that he will disclose many of his public scandals, including getting busted doing insider trading of muffin stock and revealing himself in a movie theatre, and confess some of his most heinous crimes, including taking steroids and human growth hormone. He also intimated that he will name others who have taken performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball. However, his claims have been scoffed as dubious given that his only access to the MLB was as a fan attending a Red Sox-Blue Jays game in Toronto in the spring of 2005.

The book is being published as a last ditch effort by Scholastic Publishing to improve their “back-to-school” fall lineup of novels aimed at young adults. Scholastic has been enthusiastic about Pastel’s ghost written book. Spokesperson Ginine Pittlieri said, “This is a book any child would love to read and I will post articles about it on my blog that has high readership because I write so good and will try not to swear so much at my husband.”

Pastel has maintained a low-profile since being identified as a fourth brother in the pop-sensation group, “Hanson” in early June. The book is expected to reach shelves September 24.