What’s Hot? Not JanSport; new bully technique "Pastel'd"

Cliffwoodshire, WV (GSP). In the latest fall issue of Backpacks Now!, a weekly conservative knapsack fashion magazine, the editor has denounced Jansport as the least fashionable backpack for back-to-school gear. The backpack company was slammed as having the least ergonomic, most uncomfortable and cheesy design for all the backpacks and this condemnation was made retroactive to 1992 when the company began making backpacks. The editor derided Jansport as catering to the “liberal elites” and focused only on providing “evil people with the devil’s purse.”

Oddly, GSL Enterprises embittered embalmist Dr. Amar Pastel was front and center in the crosshairs of the article, as he is an incredibly unpopular Indian doctor who goes nowhere without his Jansport. The editor blasted Pastel for singlehandedly bringing down Jansport with his bizarre lifestyle and his insistence on bringing his old, ugly bag with him everywhere and inadvertently promoting the company.

But the vituperative did not end there. Indeed, the Backpacks Now! editors cited several human rights violations by the company and Pastel “that make Coca-Cola and Walmart look like Cheech and Chong in the Cayman Islands.”

Jansport saw its stock plummet in light of the article in the popular magazine as mothers everywhere rushed to return the bags that have rendered many children nerdy and uncool. Playground analysts predict owning such bags may increase risk of swirlies by 43%, wedgies by 56% and painful rear admirals by 75%. Victims of such playground hijinks have no one to blame but Dr. Amar Pastel. In fact, studies have shown school bullies have been partial to popularizing a new school act of violence: stealing pastel crayons from the art room and shoving/ramming it up the butt of nerdy kids with Jansport backpacks while simultaneous giving the victims wet willies. They call it “gettin' you Pastel’d”, similar in usage to the formidable MTV show “Punk’d” and in direct reference to embalmist Amar Pastel.

The timing couldn’t be worse for Pastel who is trying to reinvent his image by pretending to be in a rock band and buying Rogaine to preserve his hair for when his dream of being a visionary rock god is realized.