Pastel Finagles Out of Legal Trouble Again; Hit with Speeding Ticket

Bosnia (GSP). Dr. Amar Pastel, world-renowned embalmer for GSL Enterprises funeral division, talked his way out of a large speeding ticket to a small one while vacationing in the war-torn Bosnia-Herzegovina. According to the Bosnian government, Pastel was driving his rented Aston-Martin DBS at high velocity through a declared war-zone, as a joy-ride commemorating the new James Bond 007 movie, "Casino Royale." Pastel was immediately caught as four tanks pulled up to the speeding spy car and ordered him to stop, threatening to open fire.

Pastel, a longtime self-described Bond nerd, has only recently been able to afford renting the famous MI6 auto for a day. He laughed off the $1000US fine and said that if he had the opportunity, he would definitely do it again. Pastel proudly said he was pushing nearly 80 mph in that thing and that only a man like himself could really test the limits of a machine like that. After being slammed with the ticket, he said he wished they had opened fire on him, claiming "I totally could've dodged those shells. I'm just like James Bond. That would've been so cool!"

Pastel also went on the record to say that the best James Bond was Timothy Dalton and that the new Bond, "Daniel Greg is totally gay." But said too, that he enjoyed the movie - "it was pretty cool."

GSL Contemplates New Operations Expansion; Ruthless Strategy

New York NEW YORK (GSP). After a period of relative inactivity and quiet, GSL Enterprises has been in secret deliberations since late last night with talks that are expected to completely reinvigorate the wildly successful company. While details are scarce, anonymous insiders have suggested that GSL will soon offer a “professional revenge” service, for those who were slighted by the bourgeoisie class and upper-crust bullies. Since GSL Enterprises was built up from blue-collar Asian beginnings and largely deliver quality chamomile consumer products to the working class, they have had trouble breaking through to the upper class segment. Instead of new marketing strategies to target this group, insiders have indicated that GSL executives will simply “take it out of their ass” as a form of retribution. One secretary, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “Buchanan and Nguyen are done fucking around. Its pay-back time and I pity those on the other end of the stick. They are good guys, especially Buchanan, and they’ve been pushed around one time too many. Its time GSL Enterprises was held in the appropriate regard.”

GSL Enterprises has been known for its ruthless, yet legal, business practices that have led to unprecedented success. However, given the company’s humble beginnings in Akron, Ohio and Napanee, Ontario, the established elite of business have failed to take the company seriously, with huge financial and public relations losses. With GSL's reported increased desire to completely take over the market and acquire these larger firms, simply to put them out of business, it will be interesting to see how long it will take before GSL finally is satisfied with its place in North American business.