Man criticizes goatee, runs in snow

In an strange twist of events, operating officer and resident counsel for GSL Enterprises, Elmo Buchanan, criticized a very intimidating man for his goatee. Fearful of physical reprisals, Buchanan took off in the snow, running in a terrified frenzy, which was caught by local resident, Amar Pastel, in Akron, OH. Interestingly, the footage was converted to an animated GIF, which is the preferred media for GSL Enterprises. After all, everything is better as an animated GIF.

Magical Makeovers

GSL Enterprises recognize Andia Susan Winslow!

Give her a round of applause!

This is a company statement of support intended for immediate release.

Akron (GSP). At GSL Enterprises, Inc, we pride ourselves on offering quality chamomile-based natural skin care, health care and beauty care products that go along with our customized mortuary and funeral services. We also pride ourselves on fruitful relationships with friends and colleagues and offer our support to those who have supported us through the years.

In this regard, we are pleased to congratulate Andia Susan Winslow for her recent election as a bona fide “golf babe”. Andia has been a faithful supporter of GSL Enterprises since its inception in New Haven back in 2003 when chamomile-based lotions were not yet formulated and extreme cadaver make-overs were just a dream. Many fond memories abound from those halcyon days. Despite liberal displays of her underpants (see right), everyone at GSL Enterprises, including company CEO Curtis Nguyen; Warehouse Supervisor Elmo Buchanan; and Paralegal Dimejios Ashley-Ogun have valued her support and above all her friendship, especially during the difficult times.

Surprisingly, Andia has since blossomed into a grown woman with incomparable success. Her golfing prowess, racial awareness, and generous (though a bit crunchy) personality have lead her to her remarkable achievements. For example, she currently runs an enormously popular blog of instructional videos for working out (many of which feature her jumping around in a bikini), is engaged in a successful bikini modeling career (see below) and tweets from an electrifying Twitter account (presumably while wearing a bikini). Moreover, she continues to break hearts and has been linked to such A List men as Roi, Kervy, and Dr. Rama Pastel. We encourage all GSL Enterprises customers to frequent her sites often and keep her in mind when opening their wallets. It cannot be said enough that she is a rising star in the golf world and blogosphere.

Well done, Andian, and keep up the great work! We will be monitoring your accomplishments closely!

Dr. Rama Pastel witnesses perfection.

Your Attention Please

I have something to say.

Man marries lumpy pillow, other can't commit just yet

Two remarkable stories reported in the past several months have occurred that will forever change how men, women and pillows interact. This may shock you, but the ramifications are clear: men are marrying pillows at an unprecedented rate and there may be no turning back. Furthermore, the sanctity of man-pillow marriage is being undermined by the promiscuous and inconsiderate, who simply refuse to commit to the life-long bond that marriage demands, like this man, "Nisan":
Excerpts:
A more serious 2-D lover, like Nisan, actually believes that a lumpy pillow with a drawing of a prepubescent anime character on it is his girlfriend.

Nisan knows she’s not real, but that hasn’t stopped him from loving her just the same. “Of course she’s my girlfriend,” he said, widening his eyes as if shocked by the question. “I have real feelings for her.”

He knows it’s weird for a grown man to be so obsessed with a video-game character, but he just can’t imagine life without Nemutan. “When I die, I want to be buried with her in my arms.”

He carries Nemutan almost everywhere he goes, though he is more self-conscious about it than he may seem at first. “Some people don’t find this funny,” he said, “and it also takes up a lot of room.” He treats her the way any decent man would treat a girlfriend — he takes her out on the weekends to sing karaoke or take purikura, photo-booth pictures imprinted on a sheet of tiny stickers. In the few hours we spent together, I watched him position her gently in the restaurant booth and later in the back seat of his car, making sure to keep her upright and not to touch her private parts.

As for the groom at the top of this post:
Now the 28-year-old otaku (a Japanese term that roughly translates to somewhere between 'obsessive' and 'nerd') has wed the pillow in a special ceremony, after fitting it out with a wedding dress for the service in front of a local priest. Their nuptials were eagerly chronicled by the local media.

'He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,' said one friend.

'They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal,' they added.

Full articles here, here and here.

And here is a video of a man and his pillow out for a date:

Startling revelations from Tiger Woods' third public statement

Los Angeles CA (GSP). Tiger Woods released a public statement through his agent amid allegations of wild extra-marital affairs from numerous women. The much anticipated statement was expected to address the shocking scandal that has plagued America's most popular golfer for the past week. Woods' statement reads:

I am not proud of my actions and my transgressions. I am human and have made mistakes. I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused my family and friends. I still have one confession to make and feel it is in the best interest of both parties that this revelation comes from me, Tiger Woods. My regrettable exploits do not only include those women who have come forth with stories of sexual encounters, many of which are untrue. The most intimate and shameful affair I engaged in is with Dr. Amar Pastel, a longtime lover and companion. We would sleep together and eat potato chips and unripe tomato and yellow mustard sandwiches on Wonderbread. I thought it was nice. But I learned I could do better. It is with deep shame that I admit this and I apologize to my wife, Elin and children. I hope with time, my family, friends and fans will come to forgive me.

The Associated Press jumped on the statement, ruthlessly investigating Dr. Amar Pastel's lurid past. According to company documents, Pastel is an embalmer at GSL Enterprises, a for-profit franchise of funeral parlors, and medical director for the company's division of producing high-quality chamomile-based beauty supplies. Several fringe bloggers have described Pastel's perverted history in detail, which have only now come to light since Woods' embarrassing public apology.

Popular pundits also offered strong opinions. Rush Limbaugh said, "The crazy accusations of these women with low self-esteem are nothing compared to this affair with Pastel. The Pastel affair transcends any humiliation associated with these flings with minor groupies." Limbaugh continued, "The fact that Tiger was this upset and chose to reveal this now says everything about Pastel's tyranny in Woods' life."

Keith Olbermann of NBC news also agreed. "I don't understand how 1000s of women come forward to say they slept with Tiger Woods and he chooses to address none of this. Instead, he has this level of shame because of his involvement with this Pastel that he feels compelled to confess now. It is just nuts."

Even President Obama had some choice words to say to Woods. "Now look, I am as forgiving as the next guy when it comes to youthful dalliances. But I think it would be easier to free Chai Vang than it would be to condone Woods' relationship with Dr. Amar Pastel. I wish him well and hope he is able to see a productive therapist."

Dr. Amar Pastel responded to the statement via email. "Of course it is true, but I don't think it is that shameful to be with me.... the relationship ultimately was not very fulfilling. It was nothing but empty calories and male curiosity."

GSL Enterprises CEO Curtis Winslow and CLO Elmo Buchanan offered no comment.

Pastel loses it a la George