Pastel linked to poisoned pet food from China, commended by Bush

Washington DC (GSP). In a disturbing foray into the high-stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue, Dr. Amar Pastel has been linked to a batch of poisoned pet food from China, imported to the US. According to CIA spy, William “Billy” Mumphrey, Pastel has been allegedly linked to Chin Chong Chow Delicious Lucky Fortune Cookie Dog Chow company in Qui Quong, China, as a consultant in the processing and rendering of pork anus and cow scrotum for dog food and cat chow. While this business relationship is perfectly legal according to world trade laws, Chin Chong Chow has accused Pastel of deliberately poisoning the food with his knowledge of dead bodies. Mumphrey followed Pastel and obtained a warrant for his arrest, confiscating his computer. His computer, which was rife with hard-core pornography, included damning evidence of biochemical toxicity reports that indicate Pastel has systematically and consistently sought to poison dog food for pets in the US. Mumphrey described Pastel’s motive in very simple terms: “Pastel is a vegetarian. He’s sick of seeing dogs and cats eat better than him on a daily basis. He wanted to wipe them out so he could have all the pork anuses and cow scrotums for himself. He also loves America and hates to see the Chinese develop themselves into an industrial, financial and world power.”

Because of his systematic sabotage of Chinese goods, Pastel has been commended by President Bush for his patriotism, constructive xenophobia and bravery. He was awarded a congressional medal of honor, and provided with as much pork anus and pornography as he could consume. Bush stated, “It’s the American way.”

Two hours before the ceremony, Bush declared war on the People’s Republic of China.