GSL trivia challenge garners wild answer: 2009 is Year of the Pervert, prophecy
Op-ed: Special to GSP, Tim-Tim Horton. Akron OH (GSP).
The lunar new year was celebrated by Asians around the world January 26, 2009. As a business committed to secular diversity, GSL Enterprises honored the holiday with a moment of silence during the company's morning prayers. To increase enjoyment of the celebration, Asian employee Cho Sung-Chan posed a company-wide question as part of a trivia challenge: What Chinese zodiac sign is celebrated for 2009?
Given the high profile of company principal and blustery embalmer Dr. Amar Pastel, the majority of workers said that 2009 is the Year of the Pervert. With several comments along the lines of, "Pastel is so base, he has no place to go but up" and "If Pastel didn't have bad luck, he'd have no luck at all", it was clear GSL employees were rallying behind Pastel, looking for the reviled and notorious GSL CEO (chief embalming officer) to increase his social capital. Furthermore, in an eerie coincidence, several GSL Asians consulted their chinky almanacs and reportedly discovered an ancient prophecy touting 2009 as indeed the Year of the Pervert. The prophecy predicts that in 2009, perverts everywhere will increase the publicity of their perverted acts, regardless of scandal and social norms, only to implode on themselves in a twisted mess of outrageous perversion. There are allusions to a perspiring Indian chap leading the charge of perverts with aplomb. The prophecy was discovered in a code of Chinese characters found in a book of ancient spiritual sayings and food recipes entitled "The Hidden Saying of Confuscious and Cookie: The Dawn of Sorrow and Tears."
While all GSL employees hope that Pastel curtails his perverted lifestyle and can relate to normal people, they do not expect that to happen. The majority encourage the continuing coverage of Pastel's public acts by GSPress as a celebration of diversity and tolerance, despite the inherent scandals that accompany each press release. Others worry about the threatening nature of Pastel's perverted actions, particularly among GSL employee robots who have claimed to catch Pastel doing much more, and worse things, than is currently reported.
While GSP seeks to provide objective and groundbreaking news coverage, even the editors agree that 2009 is indeed the Year of the Pervert. Editor-in-chief Sam Smithello says, "we will continue to publish and report on Dr. Amar Pastel through 2009 and beyond, as long as he remains a pervert-at-large. We do not doubt he will continue his ways, and until we see otherwise, his life will be under extra scrutiny. We have nothing to lose keeping him honest and exposing his demented way of life."
That is good news, and relief, for faithful readers and bad news for Dr. Amar Pastel and his family.
Tim-Tim Horton is Human Resources Manager for GSL Robot Division, specializing in internal conflict management. He claims to have several boxes worth of complaints about Dr. Amar Pastel, the subject of the above editorial.
The lunar new year was celebrated by Asians around the world January 26, 2009. As a business committed to secular diversity, GSL Enterprises honored the holiday with a moment of silence during the company's morning prayers. To increase enjoyment of the celebration, Asian employee Cho Sung-Chan posed a company-wide question as part of a trivia challenge: What Chinese zodiac sign is celebrated for 2009?
Given the high profile of company principal and blustery embalmer Dr. Amar Pastel, the majority of workers said that 2009 is the Year of the Pervert. With several comments along the lines of, "Pastel is so base, he has no place to go but up" and "If Pastel didn't have bad luck, he'd have no luck at all", it was clear GSL employees were rallying behind Pastel, looking for the reviled and notorious GSL CEO (chief embalming officer) to increase his social capital. Furthermore, in an eerie coincidence, several GSL Asians consulted their chinky almanacs and reportedly discovered an ancient prophecy touting 2009 as indeed the Year of the Pervert. The prophecy predicts that in 2009, perverts everywhere will increase the publicity of their perverted acts, regardless of scandal and social norms, only to implode on themselves in a twisted mess of outrageous perversion. There are allusions to a perspiring Indian chap leading the charge of perverts with aplomb. The prophecy was discovered in a code of Chinese characters found in a book of ancient spiritual sayings and food recipes entitled "The Hidden Saying of Confuscious and Cookie: The Dawn of Sorrow and Tears."
While all GSL employees hope that Pastel curtails his perverted lifestyle and can relate to normal people, they do not expect that to happen. The majority encourage the continuing coverage of Pastel's public acts by GSPress as a celebration of diversity and tolerance, despite the inherent scandals that accompany each press release. Others worry about the threatening nature of Pastel's perverted actions, particularly among GSL employee robots who have claimed to catch Pastel doing much more, and worse things, than is currently reported.
While GSP seeks to provide objective and groundbreaking news coverage, even the editors agree that 2009 is indeed the Year of the Pervert. Editor-in-chief Sam Smithello says, "we will continue to publish and report on Dr. Amar Pastel through 2009 and beyond, as long as he remains a pervert-at-large. We do not doubt he will continue his ways, and until we see otherwise, his life will be under extra scrutiny. We have nothing to lose keeping him honest and exposing his demented way of life."
That is good news, and relief, for faithful readers and bad news for Dr. Amar Pastel and his family.
Tim-Tim Horton is Human Resources Manager for GSL Robot Division, specializing in internal conflict management. He claims to have several boxes worth of complaints about Dr. Amar Pastel, the subject of the above editorial.
posted by GSL Enterprises at
11:47 AM
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